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I married my wife 10 years ago. When we got married she was ready to have "at least 3 kids". Now she is not even sure she wants 1. I know it sounds selfish and

by juusto 9y ago

I married my wife 10 years ago. When we got married she was ready to have "at least 3 kids". Now she is not even sure she wants 1. I know it sounds selfish and absurd but we enjoy our life so much: all of our time we spend with each other, we travel 4-5 times a year to different countries, on the weekend we go for hikes in some national parks close to us. I could go on, but the theme is that we enjoy a lot our company and both me and her we are terrified of changing this. And if that was not the selfish part here it comes: I am actually afraid for both me and her when we are old that no one will come to visit or we won't have friends in this late stage in our life, we have moved to different countries 3 times. Those that have more or less the same lifestyle, how and what do you deal with this? I am quite interested in learning how others cope with the selsifh feeling that you should have someone to be with you.

somethingorothr 9y ago
My wife and I have been married for a little over 14 years and, from the beginning, knew that neither of us wanted to have kids. There's nothing at all selfish about being happy with your current life. The real question is why you'd feel selfish for not wanting to have children. It's simply a choice. It's neither selfish nor unselfish, it's just a decision based on a very real cost-benefit analysis. As for old age, I'll point out a few things: First, having children is no guarantee you'll be cared for in old age. My grandmother on my father's side was virtually abandoned by most of my family during her greatest years of decline. And she's unfortunately a datapoint in a much larger trend of neglected elderly. Heck, I read a story recently of elderly people in Japan dying in their homes and no one realizing it until the smell disturbed their neighbours... Second, one can, and should, build an extended support network. The great irony is that having children makes that a lot harder--it's tough to build and maintain friendships when parenting is taking up most of your time--which means this will become more difficult as your own friends have kids. Be prepared to have to work harder to maintain those friendships and to build new ones. But don't neglect this. It'll be tempting to let your social network shrink to just you and your wife. Don't let that happen. Third, you can plan for your own care. Being child-free means you're more likely to have funds to ensure you can retire healthy and get the necessary care needed as you become infirm. In the end, though, it's unquestionably a tradeoff, and it's certainly the case that, by not having children, you're more likely to have less support during your declining years. Personally, I choose to take that risk knowing my wife and I are doing what's right for us, today. We can't be living our lives, now, for an unknown future decades from now.
jrwoodruff 9y ago
Oh man, we went through a lot of this. We've moved to different states, not countries, but that selfish aspect of 'what happens when I get old' was definitely a topic. I think one of the realizations that helped us was my wife's experience working in a nursing home. She gets grief all the time for not having children, meaning most of her patients do have children. The thing is, most of their children rarely visit, or don't visit at all. Having children is no guarantee that they'll be there in the end, and once their adult, that relationship is completely different, especially in the world of cheap travel and communication that we live in. There was lots of things that went into our decision, not all of them within our control, but ultimately we decided we should focus on our lifestyle, making good friends, and saving enough to afford and quality retirement lifestyle.
- somethingorothr 9y ago
  BTW, this is what /r/childfree on Reddit should have been about: providing advice and support for people making this choice. It's a damn shame it's turned into such a toxic community (that, sadly, reinforces the idea that folks who choose not to have kids are "baby haters")... sigh
thriftwy 9y ago
> all of our time we spend with each other, we travel 4-5 times a year to different countries, on the weekend we go for hikes in some national parks close to us. This gets old eventually. This shifts from being novel to repetitive. Having children lets you have a whole new set of experiences.
- somethingorothr 9y ago
  This person has made their choice. They didn't ask to be offered an alternative perspective, and they've evidently thought it through. What do you gain by trying to convince them they're wrong or to change their mind? And this goes both ways! I often see parents talk about how rewarding parenthood is, only to be replied to by folks who insist on pointing out how difficult it can be, even if those comments were entirely unsolicited. I often wonder if comments like this are borne of defensiveness. The GP, in their comment, made mention of all the things they can do absent children, and that could be seen as an indictment of parenthood. Unfortunately, this makes it impossible for folks with and without children to have a rational conversation, since it's all but impossible for each to speak of the advantages of their lifestyle without implicitly criticising the lifestyle of the other person.
  - thriftwy 9y ago
    > This person has made their choice. ...and they've evidently thought it through Nothing evident about it in parent comment. You should probably re-read it, hold your platinum thoughts steady.

by juusto 9y ago

somethingorothr 9y ago

My wife and I have been married for a little over 14 years and, from the beginning, knew that neither of us wanted to have kids. There's nothing at all selfish about being happy with your current life. The real question is why you'd feel selfish for not wanting to have children. It's simply a choice. It's neither selfish nor unselfish, it's just a decision based on a very real cost-benefit analysis. As for old age, I'll point out a few things: First, having children is no guarantee you'll be cared for in old age. My grandmother on my father's side was virtually abandoned by most of my family during her greatest years of decline. And she's unfortunately a datapoint in a much larger trend of neglected elderly. Heck, I read a story recently of elderly people in Japan dying in their homes and no one realizing it until the smell disturbed their neighbours... Second, one can, and should, build an extended support network. The great irony is that having children makes that a lot harder--it's tough to build and maintain friendships when parenting is taking up most of your time--which means this will become more difficult as your own friends have kids. Be prepared to have to work harder to maintain those friendships and to build new ones. But don't neglect this. It'll be tempting to let your social network shrink to just you and your wife. Don't let that happen. Third, you can plan for your own care. Being child-free means you're more likely to have funds to ensure you can retire healthy and get the necessary care needed as you become infirm. In the end, though, it's unquestionably a tradeoff, and it's certainly the case that, by not having children, you're more likely to have less support during your declining years. Personally, I choose to take that risk knowing my wife and I are doing what's right for us, today. We can't be living our lives, now, for an unknown future decades from now.

jrwoodruff 9y ago

Oh man, we went through a lot of this. We've moved to different states, not countries, but that selfish aspect of 'what happens when I get old' was definitely a topic. I think one of the realizations that helped us was my wife's experience working in a nursing home. She gets grief all the time for not having children, meaning most of her patients do have children. The thing is, most of their children rarely visit, or don't visit at all. Having children is no guarantee that they'll be there in the end, and once their adult, that relationship is completely different, especially in the world of cheap travel and communication that we live in. There was lots of things that went into our decision, not all of them within our control, but ultimately we decided we should focus on our lifestyle, making good friends, and saving enough to afford and quality retirement lifestyle.

somethingorothr 9y ago
BTW, this is what /r/childfree on Reddit should have been about: providing advice and support for people making this choice. It's a damn shame it's turned into such a toxic community (that, sadly, reinforces the idea that folks who choose not to have kids are "baby haters")... sigh

thriftwy 9y ago

> all of our time we spend with each other, we travel 4-5 times a year to different countries, on the weekend we go for hikes in some national parks close to us. This gets old eventually. This shifts from being novel to repetitive. Having children lets you have a whole new set of experiences.

somethingorothr 9y ago
This person has made their choice. They didn't ask to be offered an alternative perspective, and they've evidently thought it through. What do you gain by trying to convince them they're wrong or to change their mind? And this goes both ways! I often see parents talk about how rewarding parenthood is, only to be replied to by folks who insist on pointing out how difficult it can be, even if those comments were entirely unsolicited. I often wonder if comments like this are borne of defensiveness. The GP, in their comment, made mention of all the things they can do absent children, and that could be seen as an indictment of parenthood. Unfortunately, this makes it impossible for folks with and without children to have a rational conversation, since it's all but impossible for each to speak of the advantages of their lifestyle without implicitly criticising the lifestyle of the other person.
- thriftwy 9y ago
  > This person has made their choice. ...and they've evidently thought it through Nothing evident about it in parent comment. You should probably re-read it, hold your platinum thoughts steady.