4 ms·

I have 4 boys under the age of 12. I would say I think about one of them dying (accident, sickness, murder...so many ways it can happen...) multiple times a day

I have 4 boys under the age of 12. I would say I think about one of them dying (accident, sickness, murder...so many ways it can happen...) multiple times a day. I know that sounds morbid, and it probably is, but my brain does it on its own...not a lot of control over it. Nothing on earth scares me more than the idea of having to go on living without one of them. Having 4 increases my odds that I might have to. It terrifies me on a daily basis! Yay, Parenthood! I can’t watch movies that involve kids being sick, hurt, etc. which is fine,,,,not the reason I watch movies, but I literally cannot. I will turn off the tv or leave the room. I’m a giant baby, basically!

thriftwy 9y ago
On the other hand, having more of them decreases your odds that you will face losing all of them. Imagine how parents live who had just one child, who died.
- erik_landerholm 9y ago
  Dude...not how it works. Read the story. They had two...totally ruined their lives. You can argue they didn’t “handle it well” (blaming her when it was an obvious accident, not moving on together, leaving the room, etc), but the point is every child you have feels like your only child in many ways. I’m going to have to disagree with you here.
  - ajeet_dhaliwal 9y ago
    I have two children and you're right but what he may be saying is that at least you have some comfort in your remaining child/children.
    - erik_landerholm 9y ago
      I understand what they mean. I just disagree. I think studies on it agree with me too, but I’d rather not read about it. They and I will just have to agree to disagree. On one hand having another child or more children could be comforting, but I think you are more likely to make that child’s life much harder and sadder, which would add more guilt. It’s all around *ucking awful and terrifying.
- nxc18 9y ago
  There have been studies on this. Your life (well, chance at ever being happy again) is effectively ruined by the death of one child, regardless of how many you have. You never stop loving or missing the one that died.
  - erik_landerholm 9y ago
    It’s terrifying. The other day my youngest started crying and screaming cuz his stomach hurt (ended up being gas or upset stomach that lasted for 4-5 hours). My brain instantly went to “well that’s it...”...it almost always goes through worst case first. I literally can’t imagine how hard it is on parent’s whose kids are actually sick, suffering so badly, and then may end up dying. I don’t know...I’m not sure I’m made of stuff strong enough to deal with that.
    - sjg007 9y ago
      You take it one day at a time and try not to overthink it. You are also a lot stronger than you think you are.
  - b6 9y ago
    > Your life (well, chance at ever being happy again) is effectively ruined by the death of one child I think the sentiment here has a lot of truth, but it's just a bit too strong. My parents lost my sister when she and I were young. It was terribly painful for them. It still tears me up to think about it. I think I've only ever asked about it once or twice in 40 years, and especially never dared to do so with my dad. But they seem to have found ways to be at peace about it. They are happy in their own lives and happy about me. Time and love and wisdom can eventually make it OK.
- dmitripopov 9y ago
  It does not work in mathematical way. You lose one and your life is broken forever.
  - AlgorithmicTime 9y ago
    How did parents do it before modern medicine? Historically, it was exceedingly common to lose at least one child.
- lr4444lr 9y ago
  Having to deal with the siblings' loss and the repercussions on their own mental health on top of your own loss could potentially be FAR worse.
- phkahler 9y ago
  Gave you an upvote because I don't think you deserved a negative score for a common misconception. I've known people permanently changed in all sorts of ways by various things. You or I can not completely understand the reality of it. I am generally moved by them and feel honored when anyone shares their story with me.

thriftwy 9y ago

On the other hand, having more of them decreases your odds that you will face losing all of them. Imagine how parents live who had just one child, who died.

erik_landerholm 9y ago
Dude...not how it works. Read the story. They had two...totally ruined their lives. You can argue they didn’t “handle it well” (blaming her when it was an obvious accident, not moving on together, leaving the room, etc), but the point is every child you have feels like your only child in many ways. I’m going to have to disagree with you here.
- ajeet_dhaliwal 9y ago
  I have two children and you're right but what he may be saying is that at least you have some comfort in your remaining child/children.
  - erik_landerholm 9y ago
    I understand what they mean. I just disagree. I think studies on it agree with me too, but I’d rather not read about it. They and I will just have to agree to disagree. On one hand having another child or more children could be comforting, but I think you are more likely to make that child’s life much harder and sadder, which would add more guilt. It’s all around *ucking awful and terrifying.
nxc18 9y ago
There have been studies on this. Your life (well, chance at ever being happy again) is effectively ruined by the death of one child, regardless of how many you have. You never stop loving or missing the one that died.
- erik_landerholm 9y ago
  It’s terrifying. The other day my youngest started crying and screaming cuz his stomach hurt (ended up being gas or upset stomach that lasted for 4-5 hours). My brain instantly went to “well that’s it...”...it almost always goes through worst case first. I literally can’t imagine how hard it is on parent’s whose kids are actually sick, suffering so badly, and then may end up dying. I don’t know...I’m not sure I’m made of stuff strong enough to deal with that.
  - sjg007 9y ago
    You take it one day at a time and try not to overthink it. You are also a lot stronger than you think you are.
- b6 9y ago
  > Your life (well, chance at ever being happy again) is effectively ruined by the death of one child I think the sentiment here has a lot of truth, but it's just a bit too strong. My parents lost my sister when she and I were young. It was terribly painful for them. It still tears me up to think about it. I think I've only ever asked about it once or twice in 40 years, and especially never dared to do so with my dad. But they seem to have found ways to be at peace about it. They are happy in their own lives and happy about me. Time and love and wisdom can eventually make it OK.
dmitripopov 9y ago
It does not work in mathematical way. You lose one and your life is broken forever.
- AlgorithmicTime 9y ago
  How did parents do it before modern medicine? Historically, it was exceedingly common to lose at least one child.
lr4444lr 9y ago
Having to deal with the siblings' loss and the repercussions on their own mental health on top of your own loss could potentially be FAR worse.
phkahler 9y ago
Gave you an upvote because I don't think you deserved a negative score for a common misconception. I've known people permanently changed in all sorts of ways by various things. You or I can not completely understand the reality of it. I am generally moved by them and feel honored when anyone shares their story with me.