I take an SNRI (newer variant of SSRI), and have done solidly now for over 2 years. However before that I had some failed attempts of taking other long-term SSR

I take an SNRI (newer variant of SSRI), and have done solidly now for over 2 years. However before that I had some failed attempts of taking other long-term SSRIs. When I started taking my current medication, it was due to a massive breakdown which left me an uncontrollable sobbing mess on the floor. I was totally incapacitated. I started taking the SNRI (along with Diazepam/Valium for immediate effect), and after about 10 days, I became massively suicidal; It was just through sheer willpower, and the knowledge of upsetting people who cared about me that prevented me from doing anything about it. After about 3 weeks or so, those daily feelings dissipated, and I started feeling more 'normal'. Well people said it was 'normal' - for me, I just feel odd. I live with the 'altered' version of me, knowing it's not really who I am. Coming to terms with just that, is the hardest part of being in this state. My dose is really high, and I have no intention of increasing it. I also committed (properly) to therapy, and that helped immensely. I constantly consider getting my dose lowered, with the aim to be totally off the drugs, but in reality, I know that will never happen. My psychiatrist said that "first time depression usually results in a re-occurrence 40% of the time, second time depression is 60%, and if it hits a third time, that's you done - you will always be this.'