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You will screw up your kids just like your parents screwed you up.... You just don't know how yet. But it isn't really screwed up... It is called parenting. T

You will screw up your kids just like your parents screwed you up.... You just don't know how yet. But it isn't really screwed up... It is called parenting. Then when u become a grandparent it begins to totally make sense....we all screw up our kids...teaching thwm how to recover is the real deal

ashark 9y ago
Yeah, I get that, but there's screwed up and there's screwed up, ya know? Sure you can be in the top 50% of parents by just not actively trying to screw them up, but I'd like to do better than that, within reason, and tech/screens/Web seem to me like pretty big things worthy of a little attention and care, especially as they get older. Finding something like a least-harm/most-benefit way to fit that into our home lives is probably worth spending some thought on.
- losteverything 9y ago
  My kid tells us we did her/him a big disservice by just who were were: an in love couple with a good marriage. She/he tells us ahe/he was so unprepared for relationships and the knowledge that others' sid not come from our style home (happy marriage filled with love, imo) Now how does one predict that??? Introduce my kids to broken marriages?
  - bastijn 9y ago
    Offtopic: are we now so gender neutral we even cannot address our own kid as he or she? Or did you do this on purpose to hide the gender of your kid as part of your privacy? No flame intended. Honest question. Never thought about the gender of my kids being a privacy thing. Ontopic: As a parent I (we) try not to restrain things like screen use. Instead we actively promote all other forms of spending time we prefer more. This means I usually enter the room before my kids get up and put the devices away and put other toys in sight. My wife is a montessori (method) teacher which makes her quite skilled at knowing which kind of toys/lessons our kids like at what time in their life. Meaning each couple of weeks the things we prepare change. Result is they usually first pick a bit of everything in plain sight and only after, at the end of day, ask for a device. We didn’t tell them not to, it is just they really like their puzzles, painting, and what have you. In real life preparing means putting things in sight instead of in a closet and one of us being downstairs before the kids is normal as well. Not much effort there. Disclaimer: my oldest is only 3 right now. Older kids may be entirely different though I believe promoting better options has a better effect than restraining the negative ones.
    - losteverything 9y ago
      Hide gender
      - bastijn 9y ago
        Thanks for clarfying. What, if you don’t mind me asking, makes you feel their gender in this context is worth censuring? You made me think about it and it is quite interesting. From reading your post I was surprised. Thinking about it makes it interesting. I work in the Healthcare sector and gender definitly is part of privacy information (as is age for that matter). However, I would have not thought about it twice sharing it here. Now I’m in between.
        losteverything 9y ago
        I sprinkle all my online posts with random lies and inconsistencies... Gender. Location. Age.. Job.. Not many but enough to make me believe it would be harder to find out who i am
        matte_black 9y ago
        Many people do this as well, but mostly for fun.
        otakucode 9y ago
        Weird. I've been online since I was 12 and I never made stuff up about myself. I'm 39 now.
        deleted 9y ago
        [deleted]
      - magic_beans 9y ago
        Why not just use the opposite gender of your child? Or imply this child is one of several, given that you only have one?
    - 9y ago
  - woolvalley 9y ago
    That model that you gave them will help them in the future as they figure out how to deal with not ideal people in relationships, and be a good person that attracts the right kind of people. They just have to learn how to deal with non-ideal people, mostly by dating a bunch, maybe reading a few books so they can better recognize borderline and other personality disorders.
  - vlasev 9y ago
    It takes a great deal of self-awareness to recognize how different your relationship/marriage/household/raising is from the norm and how this may affect your children. What messes kids up sometimes is just that their home is different from that of others so they don't know how to cope with others' expectations. Your kid sounds a little too cynical though. I'd say what he/she has is a blessing, because he/she has the opportunity to not only introduce someone to a good relationship, but also with some work, have a good marriage later on.
  - Xeoncross 9y ago
    > My kid tells us we did her/him a big disservice by just who were were: an in love couple with a good marriage. This is just their perception and proposed solution. Ruining your marriage so they will be comfortable in a bad relationship is crazy. Parents often fail to teach their kids how they got to this point. I have made a point to make sure I don't just take for granted my kids know everything I know. What to look for? What not to look for? Where does this action come from? Why do I get a funny feeling about this person? What fear causes this anger response. The fact that everyone is nice at some point. On and on the list goes... Right and wrong, life, is either taught... or learned the hard way.
    - losteverything 9y ago
      <Parents often fail to teach their kids how they got to this point. What a great statement. So true! It may seem trivial but this is important..
  - glitchc 9y ago
    Maybe they are having trouble with their current relationships. It may be an expectation management issue, worthy of discussion with them. Also if she is young (< 21), this is a phase and it will pass.
  - otakucode 9y ago
    Teach them about the monumental complexity and difficulty (but ultimately rewarding nature) of human relationships. Also, why didn't they have enough direct experience with the home lives of their friends to be familiar with marriages that didn't work out? Why had they never spoken with an adult whose marriage failed and been able to ask what happened and why? We do not seek to teach our children how to form or maintain human relationships, much less intimate relationships. As a result, they do not spontaneously learn these things, especially in a society that isolates young people to an increasingly radical degree from their community, their peers, and society in general.
- losteverything 9y ago
  We used to think it was awful my kid stayed up late and watched Johnny Carson as a very young kid. Too much tv?? HORRORS! ( now her/his family doesn't even own a tv) Go with the flow.. Man... Your kid will surprise you
this_user 9y ago
That's an extremely fatalistic attitude, and I don't think it is true either. The problem with most parents is that they don't take the time to see the bigger picture, to reflect on their methods and to evaluate their results. Instead, it's mostly a series of ad hoc decisions that are more often than not driven by their own worst impulses. In fact, this is the same way many people handle their own lives, too. Raising a child should be a seen as sort of project. You need to figure out what they need to learn while they grow, and then you need to figure out ways of teaching it to them. Of course, you will probably have to adjust your plan along the way, and you yourself will have to learn how to do this properly. But if you view things from the end, it is easy to see why "helicopter" parenting is harmful and will likely result adults who are incapable of managing their own lives once the time comes
astura 9y ago
As someone who was actually, legitimately, very seriously screwed up by my parents... I don't agree. "Screwing up your kids" and "parenting" are not at all synonymous. Can we please treat this topic with the seriousness it deserves? This dismissal attitude makes me feel physically ill.
- Fnoord 9y ago
  You're projecting a bifurcation. "Screwing up your kids" isn't a proposition; it is relative. Every single kid gets "screwed up" in some way (some severe, as you claim you are). The lessons they got taught in life during child and teenage years is their manual for getting themselves fixed afterwards, in order to function in society. If they fail to succeed by themselves, professional help can aid them. See also Dr. Ingeborg Bosch on Past Reality Integration [1] or this Wikipedia article [2] for an introduction. > This dismissal attitude makes me feel physically ill Argumentum ad misericordiam [3]. [1] http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/introduction-psychotherapy-integration http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/introduction-psycho... [2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Integrative_psychotherapy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Integrative_psychotherapy [3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_to_pity https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_to_pity

ashark 9y ago

Yeah, I get that, but there's screwed up and there's screwed up, ya know? Sure you can be in the top 50% of parents by just not actively trying to screw them up, but I'd like to do better than that, within reason, and tech/screens/Web seem to me like pretty big things worthy of a little attention and care, especially as they get older. Finding something like a least-harm/most-benefit way to fit that into our home lives is probably worth spending some thought on.

losteverything 9y ago
My kid tells us we did her/him a big disservice by just who were were: an in love couple with a good marriage. She/he tells us ahe/he was so unprepared for relationships and the knowledge that others' sid not come from our style home (happy marriage filled with love, imo) Now how does one predict that??? Introduce my kids to broken marriages?
- bastijn 9y ago
  Offtopic: are we now so gender neutral we even cannot address our own kid as he or she? Or did you do this on purpose to hide the gender of your kid as part of your privacy? No flame intended. Honest question. Never thought about the gender of my kids being a privacy thing. Ontopic: As a parent I (we) try not to restrain things like screen use. Instead we actively promote all other forms of spending time we prefer more. This means I usually enter the room before my kids get up and put the devices away and put other toys in sight. My wife is a montessori (method) teacher which makes her quite skilled at knowing which kind of toys/lessons our kids like at what time in their life. Meaning each couple of weeks the things we prepare change. Result is they usually first pick a bit of everything in plain sight and only after, at the end of day, ask for a device. We didn’t tell them not to, it is just they really like their puzzles, painting, and what have you. In real life preparing means putting things in sight instead of in a closet and one of us being downstairs before the kids is normal as well. Not much effort there. Disclaimer: my oldest is only 3 right now. Older kids may be entirely different though I believe promoting better options has a better effect than restraining the negative ones.
  - losteverything 9y ago
    Hide gender
    - bastijn 9y ago
      Thanks for clarfying. What, if you don’t mind me asking, makes you feel their gender in this context is worth censuring? You made me think about it and it is quite interesting. From reading your post I was surprised. Thinking about it makes it interesting. I work in the Healthcare sector and gender definitly is part of privacy information (as is age for that matter). However, I would have not thought about it twice sharing it here. Now I’m in between.
      - losteverything 9y ago
        I sprinkle all my online posts with random lies and inconsistencies... Gender. Location. Age.. Job.. Not many but enough to make me believe it would be harder to find out who i am
        matte_black 9y ago
        Many people do this as well, but mostly for fun.
        otakucode 9y ago
        Weird. I've been online since I was 12 and I never made stuff up about myself. I'm 39 now.
        deleted 9y ago
        [deleted]
    - magic_beans 9y ago
      Why not just use the opposite gender of your child? Or imply this child is one of several, given that you only have one?
  - 9y ago
- woolvalley 9y ago
  That model that you gave them will help them in the future as they figure out how to deal with not ideal people in relationships, and be a good person that attracts the right kind of people. They just have to learn how to deal with non-ideal people, mostly by dating a bunch, maybe reading a few books so they can better recognize borderline and other personality disorders.
- vlasev 9y ago
  It takes a great deal of self-awareness to recognize how different your relationship/marriage/household/raising is from the norm and how this may affect your children. What messes kids up sometimes is just that their home is different from that of others so they don't know how to cope with others' expectations. Your kid sounds a little too cynical though. I'd say what he/she has is a blessing, because he/she has the opportunity to not only introduce someone to a good relationship, but also with some work, have a good marriage later on.
- Xeoncross 9y ago
  > My kid tells us we did her/him a big disservice by just who were were: an in love couple with a good marriage. This is just their perception and proposed solution. Ruining your marriage so they will be comfortable in a bad relationship is crazy. Parents often fail to teach their kids how they got to this point. I have made a point to make sure I don't just take for granted my kids know everything I know. What to look for? What not to look for? Where does this action come from? Why do I get a funny feeling about this person? What fear causes this anger response. The fact that everyone is nice at some point. On and on the list goes... Right and wrong, life, is either taught... or learned the hard way.
  - losteverything 9y ago
    <Parents often fail to teach their kids how they got to this point. What a great statement. So true! It may seem trivial but this is important..
- glitchc 9y ago
  Maybe they are having trouble with their current relationships. It may be an expectation management issue, worthy of discussion with them. Also if she is young (< 21), this is a phase and it will pass.
- otakucode 9y ago
  Teach them about the monumental complexity and difficulty (but ultimately rewarding nature) of human relationships. Also, why didn't they have enough direct experience with the home lives of their friends to be familiar with marriages that didn't work out? Why had they never spoken with an adult whose marriage failed and been able to ask what happened and why? We do not seek to teach our children how to form or maintain human relationships, much less intimate relationships. As a result, they do not spontaneously learn these things, especially in a society that isolates young people to an increasingly radical degree from their community, their peers, and society in general.
losteverything 9y ago
We used to think it was awful my kid stayed up late and watched Johnny Carson as a very young kid. Too much tv?? HORRORS! ( now her/his family doesn't even own a tv) Go with the flow.. Man... Your kid will surprise you

this_user 9y ago

That's an extremely fatalistic attitude, and I don't think it is true either. The problem with most parents is that they don't take the time to see the bigger picture, to reflect on their methods and to evaluate their results. Instead, it's mostly a series of ad hoc decisions that are more often than not driven by their own worst impulses. In fact, this is the same way many people handle their own lives, too. Raising a child should be a seen as sort of project. You need to figure out what they need to learn while they grow, and then you need to figure out ways of teaching it to them. Of course, you will probably have to adjust your plan along the way, and you yourself will have to learn how to do this properly. But if you view things from the end, it is easy to see why "helicopter" parenting is harmful and will likely result adults who are incapable of managing their own lives once the time comes

astura 9y ago

As someone who was actually, legitimately, very seriously screwed up by my parents... I don't agree. "Screwing up your kids" and "parenting" are not at all synonymous. Can we please treat this topic with the seriousness it deserves? This dismissal attitude makes me feel physically ill.

Fnoord 9y ago
You're projecting a bifurcation. "Screwing up your kids" isn't a proposition; it is relative. Every single kid gets "screwed up" in some way (some severe, as you claim you are). The lessons they got taught in life during child and teenage years is their manual for getting themselves fixed afterwards, in order to function in society. If they fail to succeed by themselves, professional help can aid them. See also Dr. Ingeborg Bosch on Past Reality Integration [1] or this Wikipedia article [2] for an introduction. > This dismissal attitude makes me feel physically ill Argumentum ad misericordiam [3]. [1] http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/introduction-psychotherapy-integration http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/introduction-psycho... [2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Integrative_psychotherapy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Integrative_psychotherapy [3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_to_pity https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_to_pity