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Hear, hear. I'm an American and I get dirty looks when I mention that I don't talk to my family - that I didn't invite my mother or brother to my wedding - that

Hear, hear. I'm an American and I get dirty looks when I mention that I don't talk to my family - that I didn't invite my mother or brother to my wedding - that I don't care about them. People don't believe it. But the friends I've made -- once I got over my insularity and fear, and decided to trust unless proven otherwise, to be a friend instead of hoping for friends -- are my chosen family. They've treated me better than my family ever did. I know that if something happens tomorrow and I'm homeless, I have 20 people who'd put me up, feed me, and take care of me until I could do it on my own. And I'd do it for them, too. And that's because of effort and willingness and bravery and love (the verb), not accident of birth.

todayiamme 16y ago
I know exactly what you mean. For some people their biological family is their chosen family. For some of us it simply isn't. I don't think I will have any contact whatsoever with my biological family after this year. It's not just one sided, but they've made it pretty explicit to me. On one level it's really hard to deal with, but on the other it has taught me things in a small period of time which usually takes decades to settle in. I've learnt how to sense emotions, and whether or not I can trust someone. I've learnt the difference between anger and deep seated hatred. I've learnt the difference between the storms that pass and an eternal jupiter-esque red spot. I've learnt so much that I simply can't condense it into words, let alone a comment. No matter what I have gained though. I still wish that things weren't like this. Everything has taken it's toll on me. The most direct result is that I have deep seated insecurities and fears about things like rejection, failure etc. The most worrying result is that a part of me, no most of me, is just old and dead (the other part increasingly vanishing part is roughly 13). As someone pointed out I am 18 and I talk like I am in my 30s & 40s. What worries me is that I really can't remember the last time I had a genuinely happy day. It's like I can't have fun. Everything from conversations to thoughts just spiral down into that survival mode. I hate it, but it's almost a part of me now and I can't imagine an existence without it. So yeah life sucks, but at least I have a family that helps me to deal with it. Does it truly matter what's in their veins? P.S. - I can tell that you've been through a lot of pain yourself. Is there any way I can help you to deal with it? Take care.
- ahoyhere 16y ago
  You sound a lot like me, 8 years ago. Except I hadn't given up on my family yet. It took a lot of time and a lot of thinking to realize that they were toxic, and I had to learn to love myself enough to stop subjecting myself to their toxicity just for the sake of "family." > P.S. - I can tell that you've been through a lot of pain yourself. Is there any way I can help you to deal with it? That's such a sweet thing to offer. I'm good now, though - but maybe I can help you. It's hard to find people in person for talking about this stuff -- they don't understand, or they're in it just like you, and can't help you OUT of it. But what really changed my life was two books, and a third I read recently that might help you too. 1. When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It's nontheistic buddhism, for crises. Get the audio book. It's the next best thing to having a loving parent. Listen with your heart, and do the meditations (including the lo jong - no matter how crazy it sounds). You're probably cynical about this stuff - because life has taught you to be cynical, but this is not something to be cynical about. This book has made the biggest difference in my life - the change you wouldn't believe. I'm not a fruity religious type, or a touchy-feely new age type, but what I learned from this book -- to not run away from my emotions, to not distract myself, to embrace it, and go through the fear, and to have empathy for everyone else (and, then, myself), to accept that reality is reality no matter how much I might like it to be otherwise -- has been life-altering in the biggest way possible. If you met me today, you'd see an extremely positive, happy, confident person, who is responsible for her own choices, and who doesn't let shit get to her -- because she knows who and what she is. That is the exact opposite of who you would have seen 7 years ago. I can attribute that almost entirely to what's in this book, and my practice of it. 2. Toxic Parents. In case there was any doubt, this book will be your best buddy telling you that you made the right choice, and it's okay. 3. Drama of the Gifted Child. This one's a bit weird, but you know what? It's good and true. You don't have to stay the way you are now; you can be happy, and you can be sad, but you will be able to be whole. Seriously. I'm proof.
  - todayiamme 16y ago
    >>>Except I hadn't given up on my family yet. It took a lot of time and a lot of thinking to realize that they were toxic, and I had to learn to love myself enough to stop subjecting myself to their toxicity just for the sake of "family."<<< I will continue to love them no matter what, but I still can't sustain contact with them. I am intersexed and I want to live life as who I am, just another girl. To them I am against god and I should not even exist. I've been called names and stuff that I don't want to repeat. In a way I can understand why they are like this. It's just socially unacceptable to be me, and their social position matters a lot to them. >>>It's hard to find people in person for talking about this stuff -- they don't understand, or they're in it just like you, and can't help you OUT of it.<<< I know what you mean. I just want to be loved for who I am you know. I want to be held, kissed and hugged. I just need to feel safe and secure. My real father can't be there for me all the time as he has to work and we live apart. So, I really feel guilty whenever I call on him. I did figure out that I needed a lot of advice, though. So, I started contacting people around me and I even emailed one of my heroes (he is simply awesome). Now, I actually do have people I can talk to. No matter how far apart we are. They're my family. Can I ask a question though? How did you deal with the guilt? I got into physically violent situations after I turned 16 and for a while I was the aggressor, and I just can't deal with the thought that I hurt another human being. It doesn't matter what they were doing. It's just unacceptable to me. I should have been smart enough to just swallow it. That guilt was overpowering for me back then it used to be the reason why I didn't think I was good enough to exist. I can't count the number of times I've tried to kill myself over it, but I couldn't do it since it would have hurt my sister. The potency has evaporated, but that sense of guilt combined with worthlessness still exists. >>>But what really changed my life was two books, and a third I read recently that might help you too.<<< They sound quite interesting and awesome, but I can't buy them right now. Not only I don't have a simple penny to my name. I also can't bring such stuff into the house, or it will prompt a really, really bad outburst. By the way, yeah, Drama of the Gifted Child is a bit weird and I doubt that I will get much mileage out of it, since I don't think I am "gifted".

todayiamme 16y ago

I know exactly what you mean. For some people their biological family is their chosen family. For some of us it simply isn't. I don't think I will have any contact whatsoever with my biological family after this year. It's not just one sided, but they've made it pretty explicit to me. On one level it's really hard to deal with, but on the other it has taught me things in a small period of time which usually takes decades to settle in. I've learnt how to sense emotions, and whether or not I can trust someone. I've learnt the difference between anger and deep seated hatred. I've learnt the difference between the storms that pass and an eternal jupiter-esque red spot. I've learnt so much that I simply can't condense it into words, let alone a comment. No matter what I have gained though. I still wish that things weren't like this. Everything has taken it's toll on me. The most direct result is that I have deep seated insecurities and fears about things like rejection, failure etc. The most worrying result is that a part of me, no most of me, is just old and dead (the other part increasingly vanishing part is roughly 13). As someone pointed out I am 18 and I talk like I am in my 30s & 40s. What worries me is that I really can't remember the last time I had a genuinely happy day. It's like I can't have fun. Everything from conversations to thoughts just spiral down into that survival mode. I hate it, but it's almost a part of me now and I can't imagine an existence without it. So yeah life sucks, but at least I have a family that helps me to deal with it. Does it truly matter what's in their veins? P.S. - I can tell that you've been through a lot of pain yourself. Is there any way I can help you to deal with it? Take care.

ahoyhere 16y ago
You sound a lot like me, 8 years ago. Except I hadn't given up on my family yet. It took a lot of time and a lot of thinking to realize that they were toxic, and I had to learn to love myself enough to stop subjecting myself to their toxicity just for the sake of "family." > P.S. - I can tell that you've been through a lot of pain yourself. Is there any way I can help you to deal with it? That's such a sweet thing to offer. I'm good now, though - but maybe I can help you. It's hard to find people in person for talking about this stuff -- they don't understand, or they're in it just like you, and can't help you OUT of it. But what really changed my life was two books, and a third I read recently that might help you too. 1. When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It's nontheistic buddhism, for crises. Get the audio book. It's the next best thing to having a loving parent. Listen with your heart, and do the meditations (including the lo jong - no matter how crazy it sounds). You're probably cynical about this stuff - because life has taught you to be cynical, but this is not something to be cynical about. This book has made the biggest difference in my life - the change you wouldn't believe. I'm not a fruity religious type, or a touchy-feely new age type, but what I learned from this book -- to not run away from my emotions, to not distract myself, to embrace it, and go through the fear, and to have empathy for everyone else (and, then, myself), to accept that reality is reality no matter how much I might like it to be otherwise -- has been life-altering in the biggest way possible. If you met me today, you'd see an extremely positive, happy, confident person, who is responsible for her own choices, and who doesn't let shit get to her -- because she knows who and what she is. That is the exact opposite of who you would have seen 7 years ago. I can attribute that almost entirely to what's in this book, and my practice of it. 2. Toxic Parents. In case there was any doubt, this book will be your best buddy telling you that you made the right choice, and it's okay. 3. Drama of the Gifted Child. This one's a bit weird, but you know what? It's good and true. You don't have to stay the way you are now; you can be happy, and you can be sad, but you will be able to be whole. Seriously. I'm proof.
- todayiamme 16y ago
  >>>Except I hadn't given up on my family yet. It took a lot of time and a lot of thinking to realize that they were toxic, and I had to learn to love myself enough to stop subjecting myself to their toxicity just for the sake of "family."<<< I will continue to love them no matter what, but I still can't sustain contact with them. I am intersexed and I want to live life as who I am, just another girl. To them I am against god and I should not even exist. I've been called names and stuff that I don't want to repeat. In a way I can understand why they are like this. It's just socially unacceptable to be me, and their social position matters a lot to them. >>>It's hard to find people in person for talking about this stuff -- they don't understand, or they're in it just like you, and can't help you OUT of it.<<< I know what you mean. I just want to be loved for who I am you know. I want to be held, kissed and hugged. I just need to feel safe and secure. My real father can't be there for me all the time as he has to work and we live apart. So, I really feel guilty whenever I call on him. I did figure out that I needed a lot of advice, though. So, I started contacting people around me and I even emailed one of my heroes (he is simply awesome). Now, I actually do have people I can talk to. No matter how far apart we are. They're my family. Can I ask a question though? How did you deal with the guilt? I got into physically violent situations after I turned 16 and for a while I was the aggressor, and I just can't deal with the thought that I hurt another human being. It doesn't matter what they were doing. It's just unacceptable to me. I should have been smart enough to just swallow it. That guilt was overpowering for me back then it used to be the reason why I didn't think I was good enough to exist. I can't count the number of times I've tried to kill myself over it, but I couldn't do it since it would have hurt my sister. The potency has evaporated, but that sense of guilt combined with worthlessness still exists. >>>But what really changed my life was two books, and a third I read recently that might help you too.<<< They sound quite interesting and awesome, but I can't buy them right now. Not only I don't have a simple penny to my name. I also can't bring such stuff into the house, or it will prompt a really, really bad outburst. By the way, yeah, Drama of the Gifted Child is a bit weird and I doubt that I will get much mileage out of it, since I don't think I am "gifted".