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There is a paragraph in the essay which stood out to me; >>>The irony is that straight men could learn a thing or two from their gay brethren, as Andrew Sulliv

There is a paragraph in the essay which stood out to me; >>>The irony is that straight men could learn a thing or two from their gay brethren, as Andrew Sullivan implied in his insightful book on the AIDS crisis, Love Undetectable: Notes on Friendship, Sex, and Survival (1998). Often estranged from their natural families and barred from forming legally acknowledged new ones of their own, gay men, Sullivan observed, learned to rely not on the kindness of strangers but the loyalty of friends: “Insofar as friendship was an incalculable strength of homosexuals during the calamity of AIDS, it merely showed, I think, how great a loss is our culture’s general underestimation of this central human virtue.”<<< I've experienced that in my life. The closest people I have are people who have no direct relation through blood with me. This was something really counter-intuitive to me, because I grew up in a country where family is supposed to be paramount, but I discovered that isn't so. I am willing to bet that anyone who has had to deal with forced social isolation be it through abuse, or homelessness will agree. No one taught me that relationships are only as good as the people who compose it. Friendships don't magically happen. You have to work for them, and the cost isn't just time but it is something deeper and more intrinsic to who you are. The smartest thing anyone could have ever said is that love is a verb. To love someone involves making "sacrifices" at one level or the other for the sake of the relationship, and most people are unwilling to do that. They don't realize that you can't have your cake and eat it too. I think that this is the reason why most people, not just in the USA, think it's cool to be alone. They tend to desire instant results, which simply isn't possible.

pasbesoin 16y ago
Slightly OT, but I think we/society needs to find a better word than "sacrifice". To me, it invokes too much of an image of giving up power and of one-way giving. I've had this conversation with friends (as a conversation, I mean, not an accusation nor negotiation), and usually there is agreement. At the moment, I feel I'm not recalling our best substitutes, but I am thinking of the word "contribution". We contribute to relationships. Like an investment. We put in something of value and hope/expect to grow that investment. Like an investment in work you enjoy, it should -- on balance -- not feel like a burden. And all parties need to be contributing. Contributions may vary; at times, one may have more to give while another has less. At times, someone may need to borrow a bit of equity, e.g. when they are acutely ill. It's when, over time, the contributions/investments do not balance, that we need to have concern. Those are not sustainable relationships. Unless, perhaps, they are offset by other relationships and we chose to accept this trade off. For example, when a family member is seriously ill, we don't necessarily withdraw our support. Friends help to balance the equation and get us, and indirectly so also our family member -- who is relying on our support -- through. I don't see sacrifice. I see collaboration. And working with a really good team can be one of the best experiences of one's life.
ahoyhere 16y ago
Hear, hear. I'm an American and I get dirty looks when I mention that I don't talk to my family - that I didn't invite my mother or brother to my wedding - that I don't care about them. People don't believe it. But the friends I've made -- once I got over my insularity and fear, and decided to trust unless proven otherwise, to be a friend instead of hoping for friends -- are my chosen family. They've treated me better than my family ever did. I know that if something happens tomorrow and I'm homeless, I have 20 people who'd put me up, feed me, and take care of me until I could do it on my own. And I'd do it for them, too. And that's because of effort and willingness and bravery and love (the verb), not accident of birth.
- todayiamme 16y ago
  I know exactly what you mean. For some people their biological family is their chosen family. For some of us it simply isn't. I don't think I will have any contact whatsoever with my biological family after this year. It's not just one sided, but they've made it pretty explicit to me. On one level it's really hard to deal with, but on the other it has taught me things in a small period of time which usually takes decades to settle in. I've learnt how to sense emotions, and whether or not I can trust someone. I've learnt the difference between anger and deep seated hatred. I've learnt the difference between the storms that pass and an eternal jupiter-esque red spot. I've learnt so much that I simply can't condense it into words, let alone a comment. No matter what I have gained though. I still wish that things weren't like this. Everything has taken it's toll on me. The most direct result is that I have deep seated insecurities and fears about things like rejection, failure etc. The most worrying result is that a part of me, no most of me, is just old and dead (the other part increasingly vanishing part is roughly 13). As someone pointed out I am 18 and I talk like I am in my 30s & 40s. What worries me is that I really can't remember the last time I had a genuinely happy day. It's like I can't have fun. Everything from conversations to thoughts just spiral down into that survival mode. I hate it, but it's almost a part of me now and I can't imagine an existence without it. So yeah life sucks, but at least I have a family that helps me to deal with it. Does it truly matter what's in their veins? P.S. - I can tell that you've been through a lot of pain yourself. Is there any way I can help you to deal with it? Take care.

pasbesoin 16y ago

Slightly OT, but I think we/society needs to find a better word than "sacrifice". To me, it invokes too much of an image of giving up power and of one-way giving. I've had this conversation with friends (as a conversation, I mean, not an accusation nor negotiation), and usually there is agreement. At the moment, I feel I'm not recalling our best substitutes, but I am thinking of the word "contribution". We contribute to relationships. Like an investment. We put in something of value and hope/expect to grow that investment. Like an investment in work you enjoy, it should -- on balance -- not feel like a burden. And all parties need to be contributing. Contributions may vary; at times, one may have more to give while another has less. At times, someone may need to borrow a bit of equity, e.g. when they are acutely ill. It's when, over time, the contributions/investments do not balance, that we need to have concern. Those are not sustainable relationships. Unless, perhaps, they are offset by other relationships and we chose to accept this trade off. For example, when a family member is seriously ill, we don't necessarily withdraw our support. Friends help to balance the equation and get us, and indirectly so also our family member -- who is relying on our support -- through. I don't see sacrifice. I see collaboration. And working with a really good team can be one of the best experiences of one's life.

ahoyhere 16y ago

Hear, hear. I'm an American and I get dirty looks when I mention that I don't talk to my family - that I didn't invite my mother or brother to my wedding - that I don't care about them. People don't believe it. But the friends I've made -- once I got over my insularity and fear, and decided to trust unless proven otherwise, to be a friend instead of hoping for friends -- are my chosen family. They've treated me better than my family ever did. I know that if something happens tomorrow and I'm homeless, I have 20 people who'd put me up, feed me, and take care of me until I could do it on my own. And I'd do it for them, too. And that's because of effort and willingness and bravery and love (the verb), not accident of birth.

todayiamme 16y ago
I know exactly what you mean. For some people their biological family is their chosen family. For some of us it simply isn't. I don't think I will have any contact whatsoever with my biological family after this year. It's not just one sided, but they've made it pretty explicit to me. On one level it's really hard to deal with, but on the other it has taught me things in a small period of time which usually takes decades to settle in. I've learnt how to sense emotions, and whether or not I can trust someone. I've learnt the difference between anger and deep seated hatred. I've learnt the difference between the storms that pass and an eternal jupiter-esque red spot. I've learnt so much that I simply can't condense it into words, let alone a comment. No matter what I have gained though. I still wish that things weren't like this. Everything has taken it's toll on me. The most direct result is that I have deep seated insecurities and fears about things like rejection, failure etc. The most worrying result is that a part of me, no most of me, is just old and dead (the other part increasingly vanishing part is roughly 13). As someone pointed out I am 18 and I talk like I am in my 30s & 40s. What worries me is that I really can't remember the last time I had a genuinely happy day. It's like I can't have fun. Everything from conversations to thoughts just spiral down into that survival mode. I hate it, but it's almost a part of me now and I can't imagine an existence without it. So yeah life sucks, but at least I have a family that helps me to deal with it. Does it truly matter what's in their veins? P.S. - I can tell that you've been through a lot of pain yourself. Is there any way I can help you to deal with it? Take care.