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Concepts I've found effective and powerful: * Given them your attention and listen closely. Ask considerate questions. * Practice empathy. People usually don'

Concepts I've found effective and powerful: * Given them your attention and listen closely. Ask considerate questions. * Practice empathy. People usually don't want advice, they most often simply want someone else to understand their experiences. If they are open to advice and you have a tidbit of wisdom, share it kindly and with obvious humility * Channel your optimistic/zen side. All bad experiences are temporary, we can't change the past, and our mindset greatly affects how we actually feel about any scenario. The future is in front of us, how do we want to proceed? These attitudes can be contagious as well. * Try to find common ground, even if you don't share their viewpoint. With a stranger, there isn't usually a foundation of rapport and mutual understanding to support adversarial debate. * If you strongly disagree, respectfully acknowledge what they have said, and then shift to a more amicable topic (unless they specifically ask for your view) * Pay close attention to body language and other subtle cues. Listen to what is not being said. Keep in mind all relevant context. The specific words that are spoken usually reflect a small portion of the actual information being communicated. Practice, practice, practice. These skills come naturally for some, but we can all use improvement. Being actively mindful of these aspects of communication/social interaction is valuable for anyone.

edc117 9y ago
Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Jokes aside, interesting and well thought-out list, thank you. Going to try some of these as I am visiting very opinionated, ornery family this week.
cousin_it 9y ago
I think using your analytical mind to affect your attention and behavior in social situations isn't the best way to learn social skills, because it's too easy to come across as creepy if you don't have the right "feel" for doing these things. My own approach is more about unlocking another part of your mind, to which socializing makes sense natively. It's a bit more inwardly focused, but still supposed to be used in social situations, so you can see the automatic change in your outward behavior. It goes like this: Learn to notice and nudge the emotional state that your entire body is actually projecting at any given moment, using slow breaths as a focus.
- IAmGraydon 9y ago
  I think these techniques are initially analytical in nature, and may seem forced, but eventually it becomes habit, and you don't have to think about it on a moment-to-moment basis. Your last sentence is interesting, but quite a cliffhanger. Can you expand upon your technique or point us to some resources?
  - Mikhail_Edoshin 9y ago
    (Not the comment author) I think the general direction is toward somatic approaches like Alexander technique or Feldenkrais method. They do not seem exactly what the comment author meant, but are indeed similar.
  - cousin_it 9y ago
    I'm not even sure it will work for anyone besides me... The overall approach was inspired by the book "Drawing on the right side of the brain" by Betty Edwards. It starts with some simple exercises that don't teach you to draw per se, but get you into a strange inner state where drawing makes sense. (Repeating real world curves and angles with your pencil without looking at the paper, redrawing a sketch upside down, etc.) It works incredibly well - an adult with zero artistic skill could do these exercises for a couple hours and get a strong sense of "holy shit, I can draw anything I want!" It really feels like you're unlocking a part of your brain that was always there. And the upgrade sticks with you for life. The point is that I think many skills, especially those with a bimodal separation (you either get it or don't), are really about your inner state. The right inner state is hard to teach, but it can be taught, and then you gain the skill quickly and almost miraculously. For example, all those infuriating people telling you to "just be yourself" are referring to some kind of change in inner state, but haven't found the key to communicating it. For drawing, Betty Edwards has found the key. For social skills, no one has found the key yet. I'm skeptical that my approach will work for everyone, but I'm certain that self-experimenting on your inner state when around other people is more fruitful than trying to force things with them (bravely approach! pay attention! ask them about their job!) It might take a long time though. For me it took years, and only after I stumbled into the right state a few times by accident. === Anyway, if you want to follow me, here's what I would suggest. All training must be done while you're around other people, and the first step is noticing just how much information you're sending out. Many nerdy folks don't even fully register their own mood - how good or bad they feel at any given moment - even when everyone around them can see it plain as day. To me it felt at first like a firehose of information, much of it negative, that I couldn't help but blast at whoever was close. (Not through words! Through my pose, my eyes, etc.) One way to notice it is by contrast. Watch a clip by Sean Paul, and imagine that everyone around is constantly comparing you to him. That's the firehose. It's very hard to change, because it feels like "water", a part of what you are. And it's hard to accept that the true reason people don't flock to you is your low-grade depression. It feels unfair! But becoming hyper-aware of it is the first step you must take. When I'm socializing, the focus of my mind is being aware of that firehose of information. It's easy enough to redirect when it feels nasty (just turn it away from other people). And if I deliberately ignore what I want from other people, and focus entirely on making my firehose a bit less off-putting to them, I can slowly affect change. Breathe out, breathe in slowly, don't lose touch with the immovable object, and very carefully make it move.
gkya 9y ago
> * Practice empathy. People usually don't want advice, they most often simply want someone else to understand their experiences. If they are open to advice and you have a tidbit of wisdom, share it kindly and with obvious humility This is a thing I sometimes crave... People are very eager to teach you lessons and give one advice after another, when you open yourself up even the tiniest bit, if your life is even slightly unconventional. So annoying; if I'm telling my story, it's because I want to share it and lighten my heart, and I'm not stupid, I know what you tell me already, and a bit more, given the topic is my life. I'm an aspiring researcher in humanities, but I know me some programming and a couple foreign languages. Every time the topic of future comes up, and if I make the stupid mistake of talking about my worries and plans, I'm bombarded with suggestions on how to put my skills to use, how to become rich, how I should just quit this laziness, this idleness and spend my time doing something useful. The best thing to do after listening to someone sharing their problems, worries etc. is either to make them speak more, or to nod your head, and pass on to some other topic, related or not. And if one really wants to help, just ask whether they want you to help and if yes how to help.
- mrhappyunhappy 9y ago
  I was an idiot who was on the advice giving side. Looking back I can see how I was a really shitty friend. I am glad to come across these types of topics so that the person opening up to me can have someone who listens without jumping in with advice. Please forgive us idiots who don’t know any better.
  - gkya 9y ago
    Don't be so harsh on yourself. Frankly I too am sometimes one of those idiots. The urge to advice someone, especially if you think you know the domain well, is very hard to resist. While I always was annoyed by advices (THB also when I needed them the most), it's rather late when I realised how much I was guilty of giving them invasively. Since then I'm actively avoiding giving advices unless asked.

edc117 9y ago

Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Jokes aside, interesting and well thought-out list, thank you. Going to try some of these as I am visiting very opinionated, ornery family this week.

cousin_it 9y ago

I think using your analytical mind to affect your attention and behavior in social situations isn't the best way to learn social skills, because it's too easy to come across as creepy if you don't have the right "feel" for doing these things. My own approach is more about unlocking another part of your mind, to which socializing makes sense natively. It's a bit more inwardly focused, but still supposed to be used in social situations, so you can see the automatic change in your outward behavior. It goes like this: Learn to notice and nudge the emotional state that your entire body is actually projecting at any given moment, using slow breaths as a focus.

IAmGraydon 9y ago
I think these techniques are initially analytical in nature, and may seem forced, but eventually it becomes habit, and you don't have to think about it on a moment-to-moment basis. Your last sentence is interesting, but quite a cliffhanger. Can you expand upon your technique or point us to some resources?
- Mikhail_Edoshin 9y ago
  (Not the comment author) I think the general direction is toward somatic approaches like Alexander technique or Feldenkrais method. They do not seem exactly what the comment author meant, but are indeed similar.
- cousin_it 9y ago
  I'm not even sure it will work for anyone besides me... The overall approach was inspired by the book "Drawing on the right side of the brain" by Betty Edwards. It starts with some simple exercises that don't teach you to draw per se, but get you into a strange inner state where drawing makes sense. (Repeating real world curves and angles with your pencil without looking at the paper, redrawing a sketch upside down, etc.) It works incredibly well - an adult with zero artistic skill could do these exercises for a couple hours and get a strong sense of "holy shit, I can draw anything I want!" It really feels like you're unlocking a part of your brain that was always there. And the upgrade sticks with you for life. The point is that I think many skills, especially those with a bimodal separation (you either get it or don't), are really about your inner state. The right inner state is hard to teach, but it can be taught, and then you gain the skill quickly and almost miraculously. For example, all those infuriating people telling you to "just be yourself" are referring to some kind of change in inner state, but haven't found the key to communicating it. For drawing, Betty Edwards has found the key. For social skills, no one has found the key yet. I'm skeptical that my approach will work for everyone, but I'm certain that self-experimenting on your inner state when around other people is more fruitful than trying to force things with them (bravely approach! pay attention! ask them about their job!) It might take a long time though. For me it took years, and only after I stumbled into the right state a few times by accident. === Anyway, if you want to follow me, here's what I would suggest. All training must be done while you're around other people, and the first step is noticing just how much information you're sending out. Many nerdy folks don't even fully register their own mood - how good or bad they feel at any given moment - even when everyone around them can see it plain as day. To me it felt at first like a firehose of information, much of it negative, that I couldn't help but blast at whoever was close. (Not through words! Through my pose, my eyes, etc.) One way to notice it is by contrast. Watch a clip by Sean Paul, and imagine that everyone around is constantly comparing you to him. That's the firehose. It's very hard to change, because it feels like "water", a part of what you are. And it's hard to accept that the true reason people don't flock to you is your low-grade depression. It feels unfair! But becoming hyper-aware of it is the first step you must take. When I'm socializing, the focus of my mind is being aware of that firehose of information. It's easy enough to redirect when it feels nasty (just turn it away from other people). And if I deliberately ignore what I want from other people, and focus entirely on making my firehose a bit less off-putting to them, I can slowly affect change. Breathe out, breathe in slowly, don't lose touch with the immovable object, and very carefully make it move.

gkya 9y ago

> * Practice empathy. People usually don't want advice, they most often simply want someone else to understand their experiences. If they are open to advice and you have a tidbit of wisdom, share it kindly and with obvious humility This is a thing I sometimes crave... People are very eager to teach you lessons and give one advice after another, when you open yourself up even the tiniest bit, if your life is even slightly unconventional. So annoying; if I'm telling my story, it's because I want to share it and lighten my heart, and I'm not stupid, I know what you tell me already, and a bit more, given the topic is my life. I'm an aspiring researcher in humanities, but I know me some programming and a couple foreign languages. Every time the topic of future comes up, and if I make the stupid mistake of talking about my worries and plans, I'm bombarded with suggestions on how to put my skills to use, how to become rich, how I should just quit this laziness, this idleness and spend my time doing something useful. The best thing to do after listening to someone sharing their problems, worries etc. is either to make them speak more, or to nod your head, and pass on to some other topic, related or not. And if one really wants to help, just ask whether they want you to help and if yes how to help.

mrhappyunhappy 9y ago
I was an idiot who was on the advice giving side. Looking back I can see how I was a really shitty friend. I am glad to come across these types of topics so that the person opening up to me can have someone who listens without jumping in with advice. Please forgive us idiots who don’t know any better.
- gkya 9y ago
  Don't be so harsh on yourself. Frankly I too am sometimes one of those idiots. The urge to advice someone, especially if you think you know the domain well, is very hard to resist. While I always was annoyed by advices (THB also when I needed them the most), it's rather late when I realised how much I was guilty of giving them invasively. Since then I'm actively avoiding giving advices unless asked.