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Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming
- hoodwink 9y agoAny good book recommendations on engaging small talk and authentic first impressions? I’m headed to a weeklong NYE retreat that has a tendency to dredge up high school cafeteria level social anxieties.
- wonder_er 9y agoA while back I read Never Eat Alone [0], and found it to be fruitful for framing casual social interactions. Additionally, most other people do not look forward to "mindless smalltalk with strangers". Since it's possible that everyone in the group shares equal anxiety about being there, you can provide a gift to them by asking pointed questions. If it's easy for them to answer, and gives something interesting for everyone else to listen to, it's actually a lot of pressure off the whole group. The go-to question I use is: what's the best book you've read in the last year or so? Why? Note: This works for me because I am a voracious reader, and am always on the hunt for more good books, so if they can make a good book recommendation, I benefit. YMMV. Since not everyone reads, that question can be amended to "best movie/tv show/documentary". I'm often the new guy in certain work situations, and that question has saved me a lot of discomfort. good luck! [0] https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H6JBFOS/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H6JBFOS/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?...
- trentmb 9y agoTotally off topic- why is it people always use "voracious" to describe their reading habits?
- forkLding 9y agoHungry for information and hungry for more books
- ellius 9y agoThis is actually an everyday way of expressing a scientifically observed fact. Studies of highly intelligent people suggest that they have a “rage to learn”: they greedily and even obsessively search out new information.
- chickenfries 9y agoIt's funny how some adjectives always seem to be followed by certain nouns, huh? I think about this whenever I heard about "bodies strewn on the street" on the news. Reading (and watching) seems to be compared to eating all the time: - I devoured that book - I binged that season Then there's that term, "consumption" which seemingly applies to every piece of media.
- knight17 9y agoSimilarly, I have observed 'abject' going with 'poverty', usually.
- deleted 9y ago[deleted]
- dswalter 9y agoYou're looking for the linguistic term 'collocation,' and these are good examples of idiomatic usage of English. Further, words located in proximity with each other is a big part of the distributional hypothesis: "you shall know a word by the company it keeps". This is in turn a key component of how language models like word2vec or GloVe can be effective.
- jacobolus 9y agohttps://prelectur.stanford.edu/lecturers/hofstadter/analogy.html https://prelectur.stanford.edu/lecturers/hofstadter/analogy....
- philwelch 9y agoThere is a "veritable cornucopia" of these phrases.
- dominotw 9y agoThis has the danger of someone rambling for like 10 minutes about some book and everyone else is just waiting for him/her to finish. I hate people who tell "stories" in big groups , so rude. I prefer quick back and forth where everyone gets a chance to speak. Lots of people overestimate how interesting their story is to other people. I want to know how to tell people who monopolize group discussion to shut the fuck up so others can speak.
- wonder_er 9y ago100% agree. There are members of my family that, if allowed to contribute a sentence, often go on to dominate the conversation for minutes, despite the very obvious boredom and displeasure of everyone else in the conversation. If you come up with an answer to how to tell a conversational monopolist to shut up... please, please share it. I usually just walk away, but that doesn't improve the situation for everyone else.
- pcunite 9y agoOne thing that helps me is knowing that these people are Quality Time (according to the Five Love Languages book). Don't confuse Quality Conversation with Time. The best way to stop them is to identify the time that has gone by. I don't have perfect method yet.
- wonder_er 9y agoHah! That's a good book. My wife and I have running jokes about imaginary love languages. She's pretty sure "chocolate" is a love language. I agree.
- executesorder66 9y agoI just interrupt them, by asking someone else in the group their opinion on what was just said. Rude? Yes, but not as rude as taking over the conversation for longer than you should.
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- Fnoord 9y agoI like your suggestion but I am not sold on you asking about what someone's favorite documentary is in work situations. You generally want to avoid discussing politics in work situations. How do you cope with that? Has it ever lead to awkward situations?
- wonder_er 9y agogood question. I pretty actively try to avoid discussing politics, because... well, it's rarely fruitful. Talking/debating pretty much never convinces anyone of anything. If you want to change someone's mind on something, step 1 tends to be "deeply understand why they think a certain thing", and not only is this totally at odds with casual work conversation, it's not actually appropriate in the vast majority of work relationships. Anyway - gentle redirects out of political topics usually work for me. If they say something like "I just watched a documentary about {bad group} doing {bad thing}, and that's why Trump is an idiot", I'd try something like "oh, where did you see that? Was it on Netflix, or cable TV?" If they say Netflix, then "oh, cool. I just saw a video on how Netflix caches content and uses this thing called a 'chaos monkey' to preempt catastrophic outages. It's really clever... the way they use it is..." Just pick a non-political element out of the conversation, and drive into that. Usually works.
- avinassh 9y agoHow about `How to Win Friends and Influence People` by Dale Carnegie? https://www.amazon.com/dp/0091906350 https://www.amazon.com/dp/0091906350
- dominotw 9y ago> weeklong NYE retreat I would like to go to random retreats , where do i find these? Regarding anxiety, I constantly remind myself that people have short memories and even shorter memories about other people. No matter what embarrassing thing that do you do/say will be forgotten very soon by everyone.
- StavrosK 9y agoNot a book, but I've found that asking people what they do and being genuinely interested in it (especially if it's a job you know nothing about) is a treasure trove of interesting information. For example, if you meet a plumber, you can get hours of conversation out of just talking about the various aspects of the jobs. Although I guess it helps that I like learning about other jobs, too, and I tend to ask people to explain things in detail. They usually like that.
- TrevorAustin 9y agoPaul Ford has a great riff on that: https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c > Here’s a polite person’s trick, one that has never failed me. I will share it with you because I like and respect you, and it is clear to me that you’ll know how to apply it wisely: When you are at a party and are thrust into conversation with someone, see how long you can hold off before talking about what they do for a living. And when that painful lull arrives, be the master of it. I have come to revel in that agonizing first pause, because I know that I can push a conversation through. Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” > Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be introduced to this rumpled giant in an off-brand shirt, but when I told her that her job sounded difficult to me she brightened and spoke for 30 straight minutes about sapphires and Jessica Simpson. She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that. I didn’t reveal a single detail about myself, including my name. Eventually someone pulled me back into the party. The celebrity jewelry coordinator smiled and grabbed my hand and said, “I like you!” She seemed so relieved to have unburdened herself. I counted it as a great accomplishment. Maybe a hundred times since I’ve said, “wow, that sounds hard” to a stranger, always to great effect. I stay home with my kids and have no life left to me, so take this party trick, my gift to you.
- kaybe 9y agoIf you think this sounds stupid - try, it works surprisingly well!
- betenoire 9y agoThis book worked well at helping me overtime social anxiety. It helped me see how others saw me. Upon reading it, and taking its advice, at least one long-time friend mentioned to my wife at how much happier and friendlier I seemed lately. The Charisma Myth by Olivia Cabane.
- deleted 9y ago[deleted]
- nhhilltopper 9y agoNot a book, but a great starter question is "So what's on your (movie/book/travel/restaurant/etc.) bucket list this year?"
- ww520 9y agoRegarding anxiety, treat the small talk as a game. Something you're having fun with. Realize that the anxiety is coming from your beliefs, not the situation, and you have the power to change. You are an interesting person with a lot to contribute. Everyone else is a bit anxious inside and needs someone to talk. He would be glad if you strike up a conversation with him and find him interesting. Realize that what's the worse that can happen? If they don't like you, so what? Just like in a game, re-spawn in another spot and have fun again. As for specific techniques, there are the NEWS - News, Event, Weather, and Sport - for non-personal conversational topics. Event is the function you guys are attending that you can have a common shared topic to talk about. Additional topics: Movies, Musics, Mobile, TV, and Games. There are the FORD - Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams - for more personal topics to talk about. As for conversation techniques, there're the SPADDE techniques. S is for small talk, as above. P for paraphrasing what the other person has said. Paraphrasing as a form a question to ask for confirmation and show that you're really listening. Paraphrasing as a form of exclamation to show empathy. A for asking questions. Ask questions to open up new topics. Ask follow up questions to lead the topic further. D for disclosure. Disclose something about yourself. Give them a chance to ask you questions. If they don't know how to follow up, go back to S and A. D for deprecation. Add a bit of self-deprecation to the conversation. E for experience. Ask their experience or talk about your experience.
- adrianratnapala 9y agoThanks for the acronym. I have learned that GNU's not NEWS!
- cpeterso 9y agoDale Carnegie's How To Win Friends And Influence People is the classic small talk book. TL;DR: people like to talk about themselves and listeners make good conversationalists.
- asadjb 9y agoI just finished listening to "The Like Switch" [1] and it covers a lot of ground on how to hit it off with people. It starts with non-verbal behaviors to look friendly to people when they first see you and then slowly transitions into how to make them like you more when talking to them. I'm on a holiday now and I'm trying to apply some of the things I've learned. I feel like I'm getting good results. A lot of the suggestions are similar to what I've read in other books; especially the "How to win friends and influence people", which signals to me that these things are core principles rather than tricks found out by individual authors. One thing I've learned from these books. All of these techniques need you to have a degree of self-confidence in-order to apply them. That's something I'm working on right now, but overall I think these books (and similar ones) have a lot of good info to offer for shy non-communicative people like me. [1]: https://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/The-Like-Switch-Audiobook/B00RKRDOM2/ https://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/The-Like-Switch-...
- ShabbosGoy 9y agoYou just have to realize that small talk, especially among those who don’t know each other well, is stateless. There is no beginning and no end. It’s just talking for the sake of killing time, introducing yourself, etc...
- spodek 9y agoYes. If it doesn't break any rules to mention mine: Leadership Step by Step -- https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Step-Become-Person-Others/dp/0814437931 https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Step-Become-Person-Others/... -- in particular Chapter 17, on how to make a meaningful connection. Note that one of its foundations is that developing social, emotional, expressive, performance-based skills takes practice and rehearsal to go from mechanical practicing, like playing scales, to effortless, genuine, authentic self-expression. The same as in learning to act, sing, play an instrument, play a sport, military, and so on. The book gives you exercises. It's not for everyone. Just reading it will help you appreciate the skills. Practice will lead to growth.
- redslazer 9y agoWhile some of these may be good tips, they don't exactly sound effortless. Also does refocusing your eyes actually make you look engaged? Sometimes people I talk to appear to be doing that and it comes off a bit shady.
- deleted 9y ago[deleted]
- 0xcde4c3db 9y ago> While some of these may be good tips, they don't exactly sound effortless. No kidding. I can barely even imagine juggling verbal language and body language and facial expressions.
- nine_k 9y agoThey should look natural and effortless to the other party.
- qubyte 9y agoThe article mentions getting someone to like you unnaturally fast to divulge information. This happened to me once. I was a character reference for a friend who needed security clearance for a position in the UK, and they sent a a guy to come and interview me. About 45 minutes later I came out of the room and quickly realised I'd been mined for information (all good, luckily for my friend). While it was happening it felt like we were having just a nice chat. Afterwards I was totally exhausted. A very strange experience.
- AlexCoventry 9y agoYou can see that principle at work in the interrogation of Reality Winner. https://www.politico.com/f/?id=0000015e-c5e7-ddab-a57f-cfe7d5b50002 https://www.politico.com/f/?id=0000015e-c5e7-ddab-a57f-cfe7d...
- dilap 9y agoI've read parts of that and it's fascinating. The FBI agents are good at their job.
- cloakandswagger 9y agoThey're good, but the transcripts really demonstrate just how hopelessly naive RW is. She printed classified docs on her work printer, emailed them from her work email and then confessed to FBI agents without consulting a lawyer. It doesn't excuse what she did, of course, but it's clear she didn't grasp the gravity of her actions.
- heartbreak 9y agoMaybe it’s because I’ve never been in that position, but I simply do not understand why you wouldn’t ask to have an attorney present for the questioning.
- nkozyra 9y ago
- zschuessler 9y agoOne tip mentioned is to raise your eyebrows. As example: when you first meet someone, raise your eyebrows slightly (or one), smile, and tilt your head and greet them. Making someone else feel special makes you charming. Along the same lines: I find that voice cadences, and inflection, work pretty well for being charming! Take time to enuncicate the whole sentence you want to say, throw emotion into your words. And if you happen to do the eyebrow trick at the same time - it's charm overload. Surprised audio cues weren't mentioned more :-)
- EasyTiger_ 9y agoHow grossly manipulative
- pault 9y agoYou could take that view or you could think of it as putting your best foot forward. How manipulative it is depends on your intentions.
- saulrh 9y agoTools are tools. Some people use these techniques to be manipulative. Others use them to protect themselves from those that use them maliciously, or as a social prosthesis the same way they might use a meticulous journal to combat an attention or memory disorder.
- zschuessler 9y agoI can see how one may think that! I see charm as a way to make connections with others (which is awesome!). It's also crazy fun to inflect your voice. Everyone has a better time when you're okay being silly. Would you treat a new acquaintance like they had the plague? Probably not. Is it manipulative to be nice to someone? I don't think so. Being silly with inflection, or using any of the tools described in the article, for me is just another way to relate to others. I won't deny some may use the tools for manipulation - but the practice isn't inherently manipulative in my opinion.
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- danharaj 9y agoWhy are these framed as tricks?
- juanmirocks 9y agoSo you click on it. It worked.
- tabeth 9y agoＩwonder if the existence of said "tips"ｉｓ ｗｈｙ ｍａｎｙ ｐｅｏｐｌｅ ｆｉｎｄ ｏｔｈｅｒｓ ｉｎｓｉｎｃｅｒｅ．
- jchw 9y agoTo the contrary, I think people who put effort into their interpersonal interactions are not necessarily insincere at all. Unless they're sales people :)
- deleted 9y ago[deleted]
- have_faith 9y agoNo problem with people actively trying to be more confident or just practicing being more sociable etc, but the slightest scent of social manipulation, trying to get something out of me, or anything scripted borders on "pick-up artist" repulsion. Being in the UK is particularly difficult and I get the impression eastern Europe is similar or the same. Getting an honest and authentic reply to every day questions seems impossible. But I also understand that there is some weird cultural requisite of toughness and not making a fuss getting in the way of authentic conversations with strangers.
- tw1010 9y agoThere are now so many people who have read and taken to heart these types of tricks, that displaying that you've read them, even if you come across slighly insincere is itself sometimes a positive social signal (i.e. that you're trying to improve yourself).
- anbende 9y agoPeople tend to find others insincere when it seems like the other person is trying or practicing rather than just acting naturally. Unfortunately, social interactions are a skill, and for many people this skill could use some work, so this becomes a catch-22. Trying or practicing is a prerequisite for getting better, but it seems unnatural and/or awkward at first. Of course, some people just rattle off canned lines and don't pay attention to others. They're insincere, because they can't be bothered to give other people their attention and respect. In my experience, people who are actively trying to get better at social situations are usually in the first category, but not always (read PUAs). And maybe there are other categories!
- AlexCoventry 9y ago> So now you have made your entrance – hopefully without gurning like a maniac TIL the verb "gurn," "make a grotesque face."
- jack_quack 9y agoSauce
- 659087 9y agoTricks to make yourself look like a sleazy salesman to anyone who sees through your bullshit. It's like the "developing your 'personal brand'" concept those without personalities use on social media, but applied to real life situations. I prefer not to interact with people who need to use "tricks" to make themselves seem trustworthy. The fact that you're faking a personality (aka lying) already tells me all I need to know about your trustworthiness up front.
- sidcool 9y agoA harsh fact is not mentioned. Good looking people have it easier than others. There's a natural charm in for looks.
- sharkjacobs 9y agoThe importance of "morphological features" are mentioned, but the article's focus is on things that people have more control over.
- bkanber 9y ago> “While some things, like dominance, are highly related to morphological features, there are things like trustworthiness and even attractiveness which are highly dependent on facial expressions,” says Todorov > Of course, while you may not be able to control the physical features of your face, it is possible to alter your expressions and smile. I'd say that is mentioned.
- sidcool 9y agoOk, the language somewhat confused me. It's mentioned somewhere.
- djroomba 9y agoAlso dont be unattractive. I think its called the halo effect.
- dtf 9y agoOn a related note, Sky News body language review of 2017 is quite fun. https://youtu.be/l4n67_dbaC0 https://youtu.be/l4n67_dbaC0 It’s interesting how the eyebrow flash and the smile are promoted in this BBC article on charm, yet perhaps did not do Hillary Clinton so much good in this age of the strongman. Women have it tough getting the tone right in politics and business.
- baxtr 9y agoI’d be cautious with that kind of advice. Rapport is established over time. Even if you make a terrible first impression you can make up for that during a course of an interview (for example).
- devdad 9y agoMany seem to claim that using these methods are manipulative. One could also argue that knowing these methods put those that lack inherited social skills, or find it scary to interact with others, on equal footing with those that use these techniques naturally. Look to someone you think is killing it in all social circumstances without effort. These people will smile (with both the eyes and mouth), show interest in others and mirror the physical behavior of their talking partner. Most of these people aren't trying to manipulate. It comes naturally. You could improve yourself to just become a natural by realizing these signs.
- nextstepguy 9y agoI wish the writer would have used a spell checker.
- philwelch 9y ago> "Suzanne de Janasz, an affiliated professor of management at Seattle University, says interpersonal skills are becoming increasingly important in the workplace as organisations have done away with older, hierarchical structures in recent years." Yup. "Flat" organizational structures don't exist in reality; you're just replacing a formal hierarchy with an informal hierarchy of charisma.
- jbnicolai 9y agoYou might enjoy the essay The Tyranny Of Structurelessness, which articulates this exact point, if you weren't already referencing it https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7409611 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7409611
- jancsika 9y agoBe careful with this. Attempting to be charming in this way means you've taken one branch over an alternate branch. And at least in the U.S., very few people will be willing to tell you the costs once you've made the decision, especially if you are extraordinarily bad at being charming. For example: at the beginning of "The Little Prince", the narrator describes his childhood drawing of a snake eating an elephant which he uses to test the people he meets as an adult. If the person tells him, "that is a snake eating an elephant," he knows he is safe to talk about "important" things in life. If the person instead tells him, "that is a hat," he talks about superficial things. But it's actually worse than that, because in the book there is only a single person-- the narrator-- who is judging the character of others. But when someone attempts to "work" a room by being charming, they immediately telegraph their intentions to the entire room at once. And everyone else immediately adjusts their behavior accordingly. And Americans will not only gloss over the inneffectual charms of others, they will actively lie to avoid the conflict of calling someone else a phony. So if you try to charm, there's no way to get trustworthy feedback on your progress. On the other hand-- if we're discussing something I care deeply about, there is little to gain by you staring at my irises for the correct amount of time. Beautiful smile or not, at some point you're going to respond in words to what I'm saying. At that point you're either clearly demonstrating your comprehension and interest, or you are so quick-witted and devious that I probably want to get to know you anyway out of sheer fascination (at least on a short-term basis).
- dwaltrip 9y agoConcepts I've found effective and powerful: * Given them your attention and listen closely. Ask considerate questions. * Practice empathy. People usually don't want advice, they most often simply want someone else to understand their experiences. If they are open to advice and you have a tidbit of wisdom, share it kindly and with obvious humility * Channel your optimistic/zen side. All bad experiences are temporary, we can't change the past, and our mindset greatly affects how we actually feel about any scenario. The future is in front of us, how do we want to proceed? These attitudes can be contagious as well. * Try to find common ground, even if you don't share their viewpoint. With a stranger, there isn't usually a foundation of rapport and mutual understanding to support adversarial debate. * If you strongly disagree, respectfully acknowledge what they have said, and then shift to a more amicable topic (unless they specifically ask for your view) * Pay close attention to body language and other subtle cues. Listen to what is not being said. Keep in mind all relevant context. The specific words that are spoken usually reflect a small portion of the actual information being communicated. Practice, practice, practice. These skills come naturally for some, but we can all use improvement. Being actively mindful of these aspects of communication/social interaction is valuable for anyone.
- edc117 9y agoYour ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Jokes aside, interesting and well thought-out list, thank you. Going to try some of these as I am visiting very opinionated, ornery family this week.
- cousin_it 9y agoI think using your analytical mind to affect your attention and behavior in social situations isn't the best way to learn social skills, because it's too easy to come across as creepy if you don't have the right "feel" for doing these things. My own approach is more about unlocking another part of your mind, to which socializing makes sense natively. It's a bit more inwardly focused, but still supposed to be used in social situations, so you can see the automatic change in your outward behavior. It goes like this: Learn to notice and nudge the emotional state that your entire body is actually projecting at any given moment, using slow breaths as a focus.
- ShabbosGoy 9y agoThese techniques are very similar to those used in social engineering. In order to social someone, you need to get them to trust you. Charm, charisma, and likeability are all related and essential when you want to get something out of someone. That may sound transactional and it is. Unfortunately, I’ve realized that no one is a friend to you out of the goodness of their heart. That simply does not exist anymore.
- Thiez 9y agoAnd at which point in history would you say such goodness did exist?
- michalu 9y agoA good guide to become a likeable "nice guy" chump... unfortunately, multiple studies show that even narcissism is more correlated with success and attractiveness than trying to show you're likeable, non-threatening person. While things in this article are mostly factually correct, they don't work as the author claims. One thing to consider is that many people who write these books and articles are usually thinkers, very biased and likely to interpret these findings (like smile signals you're not a threat) to conform their ideal world view. To see just how much of a BS this is in terms of effectiveness, if you're a heterosexual guy, try interacting with women (or other men) with non-threatening smile and raised eye-brows. See how far it gets you.
- michalu 9y agoOne of the least attractive behaviours is trying to be liked. Don't follow the advice in that article.
- RickJWag 9y agoIronic they'd choose George Clooney as the cover subject. He's basically the poster-boy for inherited privilege and wealth (and a card carrying Weinstein-enabler), but he's credited with 'charm'.