4 ms·

A Gay Husband, a Dire Diagnosis and the Best-Laid Plans

25 points by wallflower 9y ago

randomerr 9y ago
Guess I don't see why this is written. Its two married people dealing with cancer. Does gender really matter?
- dang 9y ago
  Obviously it would be relevant to their marriage, which is what the story is about.
thriftwy 9y ago
How can you be gay if was, for a short time, happily married to a person of opposite sex? I think the only thing you can turn out to be is bisexual. No? Then again, there are people who can bullshit themself for prolonged periods of time, and for them it's not so clear cut.
- coldtea 9y ago
  You could be married for convenience / shame / societal cover etc to a woman, but "inside" be gay. You could be married to a woman normally and feel straight or bi, but decide to be strictly gay (or to identify as such). It depends whether gay one deems something you "are" (e.g. genetic) or something you "decide you want to be" (e.g. personal decision). Add all kinds of BS cultural trends and it can be any combination.
  - goldenkey 9y ago
    But wouldn't the sex quality be an obvious indicator? I feel like this kind of thing would only happen to two people who are especially prude. But what do I know...
    - coldtea 9y ago
      >But wouldn't the sex quality be an obvious indicator? Of what? Tons of couples have boring sex anyway -- and the quality could be even better with the gay person (as quality is mostly about caring for the other's pleasure, not enjoying yourself). Besides, the woman could also be a closeted (to the world) lesbian -- another common occurrence back in the day in such "marriages of convenience", where those had the "normal marriage" for society to see and enjoyed their extra marital same-sex lives too. It can get even more bizarro: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-386300/Wife-didnt-realise-husband-woman.html http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-386300/Wife-didnt-re...
- cr1895 9y ago
  > I think the only thing you can turn out to be is bisexual. It's not your place to decide.
  - thriftwy 9y ago
    They can send their words my way, I can either believe or reject. So can you. There's nothing that says turn off critical thingking when reading a piece.
  - adamcharnock 9y ago
    Let's not conflate two different things. The popular definition of bisexuality (AFAIK) is "feeling attraction to more than one gender". As an outside observer there is therefore a strong argument for putting this person in the bisexual bucket. However, this person's identity is entirely up to them. Want to be straight man and still make out with guys occasionally? Be my guest. Personally though, I'd still be grateful if people would tick the box for the appropriate definition when filling in surveys and official paperwork. I think bisexual people are ignored enough as it is :-)
- adamcharnock 9y ago
  This is actually a classic way in which bisexuality gets ignored (some would say erased). There is a strong narrative of "so which are you, gay or straight?". People also apply it to themselves, "well, I'm dating someone of the same gender now so I guess I'm gay now". All the LGBT letters have their own battles, but this one seems rather unique to bisexual people. I think there are a number of reasons for this which I could go an about at length if anyone is interested. I think this was rather hilariously (IMHO) demonstrated recently by Kevin Spacey's coming out letter (if we can look at it in isolation from everything else going on in that department)[1]. [1] http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/a8026821.html http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/a...
- staticelf 9y ago
  Maybe she was so sexually boring he became gay. Dead bedrooms can be very frustrating for men as we tend to have a higher sex drive than women in general. Who knows, it's all speculation.
  - adamcharnock 9y ago
    > [Men] tend to have a higher sex drive than women in general This made me chuckle. Certainly not my experience nor the experience of the people around me.
    - staticelf 9y ago
      Really? I don't know if I believe that. Even if that is the case, I wrote in general so of course there will be exceptions. Here is an article (with sources): https://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare#1 https://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-wome...
      - adamcharnock 9y ago
        That link does raise some interesting points. For the most part I’m unconvinced, but I’m also unfamiliar with academic work in this area. I pretty strongly suspect that this is very dependent upon social context. I wouldn’t expect parity, but I’ve certainly seen how past & present social pressures have skewed peoples’ behaviour and preferences. Specifically, in creating an environment where these pressures either don’t exist or are minimised, I have been able to see the changes it has effected in people of any gender. Of course, and as you point out, there are exceptions, and I believe I am one. The point I want to make is that to whatever extent this discrepancy in sex drives exists, I think for the most part it is not inherent to gender. Rather, it is a natural product of the social pressures applied. My value judgement is that this discrepancy is a net negative. I would like to see the social pressures addressed. I therefore believe my point important as it implies the ability to effect change.
        staticelf 9y ago
sajithdilshan 9y ago
Why is this even on front page? This is 2017 people, not 1997. What does the gender/sexuality has to do with when dealing with cancer of a loved one. You will do anything you could do for a loved one.
- JauntTrooper 9y ago
  I didn’t read them as related, just a young dying woman reflecting on the unforeseen surprises of her short life.... her marriage and her diagnosis.
- dazc 9y ago
  'What does the gender/sexuality has to do with when dealing with cancer of a loved one' The basis of the article is that she made plans that didn't work out, such as getting married to someone who turned out to be gay.
shak77 9y ago
Indeed, God is much more powerful than many people realise. :)
skohan 9y ago
Fuck this hit a little close to home today. My dad was just diagnosed with Leukemia and all the reading is grim. Basically every aspect of his situation puts him in the low-survivability group. I wish I could say there was something beautiful and redeeming about this situation, but right now it's just fucking grim.

25 points by wallflower 9y ago

randomerr 9y ago

Guess I don't see why this is written. Its two married people dealing with cancer. Does gender really matter?

dang 9y ago
Obviously it would be relevant to their marriage, which is what the story is about.

thriftwy 9y ago

How can you be gay if was, for a short time, happily married to a person of opposite sex? I think the only thing you can turn out to be is bisexual. No? Then again, there are people who can bullshit themself for prolonged periods of time, and for them it's not so clear cut.

coldtea 9y ago
You could be married for convenience / shame / societal cover etc to a woman, but "inside" be gay. You could be married to a woman normally and feel straight or bi, but decide to be strictly gay (or to identify as such). It depends whether gay one deems something you "are" (e.g. genetic) or something you "decide you want to be" (e.g. personal decision). Add all kinds of BS cultural trends and it can be any combination.
- goldenkey 9y ago
  But wouldn't the sex quality be an obvious indicator? I feel like this kind of thing would only happen to two people who are especially prude. But what do I know...
  - coldtea 9y ago
    >But wouldn't the sex quality be an obvious indicator? Of what? Tons of couples have boring sex anyway -- and the quality could be even better with the gay person (as quality is mostly about caring for the other's pleasure, not enjoying yourself). Besides, the woman could also be a closeted (to the world) lesbian -- another common occurrence back in the day in such "marriages of convenience", where those had the "normal marriage" for society to see and enjoyed their extra marital same-sex lives too. It can get even more bizarro: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-386300/Wife-didnt-realise-husband-woman.html http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-386300/Wife-didnt-re...
cr1895 9y ago
> I think the only thing you can turn out to be is bisexual. It's not your place to decide.
- thriftwy 9y ago
  They can send their words my way, I can either believe or reject. So can you. There's nothing that says turn off critical thingking when reading a piece.
- adamcharnock 9y ago
  Let's not conflate two different things. The popular definition of bisexuality (AFAIK) is "feeling attraction to more than one gender". As an outside observer there is therefore a strong argument for putting this person in the bisexual bucket. However, this person's identity is entirely up to them. Want to be straight man and still make out with guys occasionally? Be my guest. Personally though, I'd still be grateful if people would tick the box for the appropriate definition when filling in surveys and official paperwork. I think bisexual people are ignored enough as it is :-)
adamcharnock 9y ago
This is actually a classic way in which bisexuality gets ignored (some would say erased). There is a strong narrative of "so which are you, gay or straight?". People also apply it to themselves, "well, I'm dating someone of the same gender now so I guess I'm gay now". All the LGBT letters have their own battles, but this one seems rather unique to bisexual people. I think there are a number of reasons for this which I could go an about at length if anyone is interested. I think this was rather hilariously (IMHO) demonstrated recently by Kevin Spacey's coming out letter (if we can look at it in isolation from everything else going on in that department)[1]. [1] http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/a8026821.html http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/a...
staticelf 9y ago
Maybe she was so sexually boring he became gay. Dead bedrooms can be very frustrating for men as we tend to have a higher sex drive than women in general. Who knows, it's all speculation.
- adamcharnock 9y ago
  > [Men] tend to have a higher sex drive than women in general This made me chuckle. Certainly not my experience nor the experience of the people around me.
  - staticelf 9y ago
    Really? I don't know if I believe that. Even if that is the case, I wrote in general so of course there will be exceptions. Here is an article (with sources): https://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare#1 https://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-wome...
    - adamcharnock 9y ago
      That link does raise some interesting points. For the most part I’m unconvinced, but I’m also unfamiliar with academic work in this area. I pretty strongly suspect that this is very dependent upon social context. I wouldn’t expect parity, but I’ve certainly seen how past & present social pressures have skewed peoples’ behaviour and preferences. Specifically, in creating an environment where these pressures either don’t exist or are minimised, I have been able to see the changes it has effected in people of any gender. Of course, and as you point out, there are exceptions, and I believe I am one. The point I want to make is that to whatever extent this discrepancy in sex drives exists, I think for the most part it is not inherent to gender. Rather, it is a natural product of the social pressures applied. My value judgement is that this discrepancy is a net negative. I would like to see the social pressures addressed. I therefore believe my point important as it implies the ability to effect change.
      - staticelf 9y ago

sajithdilshan 9y ago

Why is this even on front page? This is 2017 people, not 1997. What does the gender/sexuality has to do with when dealing with cancer of a loved one. You will do anything you could do for a loved one.

JauntTrooper 9y ago
I didn’t read them as related, just a young dying woman reflecting on the unforeseen surprises of her short life.... her marriage and her diagnosis.
dazc 9y ago
'What does the gender/sexuality has to do with when dealing with cancer of a loved one' The basis of the article is that she made plans that didn't work out, such as getting married to someone who turned out to be gay.

shak77 9y ago

Indeed, God is much more powerful than many people realise. :)

skohan 9y ago

Fuck this hit a little close to home today. My dad was just diagnosed with Leukemia and all the reading is grim. Basically every aspect of his situation puts him in the low-survivability group. I wish I could say there was something beautiful and redeeming about this situation, but right now it's just fucking grim.