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If you have someone in your life with BPD or NPD you should do whatever you can to distance yourself from them, or cut them out entirely. As much as I feel bad

If you have someone in your life with BPD or NPD you should do whatever you can to distance yourself from them, or cut them out entirely. As much as I feel bad for them, there is nothing you'll be able to do to help them without sacrificing yourself in the process.

throwaway0255 9y ago
I got away from someone with BPD after years of trying to help, and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m no longer of the opinion that people with BPD can really be helped. They’re like some form of sociopath, I really don’t think they’re capable of caring about how their actions affect other people. It’s like trying to teach empathy to a young child after they’ve done something cruel, and it’s clear you’re not really getting through to them and their brain just needs to develop more. People with BPD stay that way their whole lives, and have everyone around them walking on eggshells every day.
adekok 9y ago
If they're not getting better, they're not worth dealing with. I've seen analogies with other medical disorders. e.g. Incontinence. It's sad that you're incontinent. I feel for you, I really do. But the last time you were in my house, you peed on my $4000 leather couch and destroyed it. So until such time as you can conduct yourself appropriately, you are no longer welcome in my house. What I've seen is that borderlines know there's something wrong with them. But the disorder also prevents them from seeking help. Until they get better, they sow a path of destruction in peoples lives which is near-biblical in scope.
dxtr 9y ago
My fiancee has BPD. We've been together for 7 years and have two kids. Why should I distance myself?
jmcgough 9y ago
I think it depends entirely on whether they're willing to work on it, and how they act when they're in a bad state. I have a partner with BPD, and she's put a lot of effort into getting better (and I've seen real progress), and at her worst she's never really acted maliciously or cruel. Still, way more extreme highs and lows than any other relationship I've been in, and I've stopped seeing them as much just because it's so exhausting.
- kross 9y ago
  I applaud your effort, and I don't want this to be hurtful, but borderlines are chameleons, and I want you to guard against false hope. Good luck, but I'm afraid it is a battle that cannot be won (at this time).
  - tc313 9y ago
    There's a wide spectrum of severity when it comes to personality disorders; just because one person with BPD is beyond help doesn't mean others are unable to lead reasonably normal lives with the disorder.
    - kross 9y ago
      Perhaps, but uncertainty plagues all those in the borderline's sphere of influence, and more likely than not, it's a save yourself situation. If you are realistically willing to give your life for this BPD, then by all means stick it out and good luck to you. But don't presume it is any more hopeful than highly unlikely of even leading a troubled relationship. Most likely a relationship full of anguish - probability speaking.
  - jmcgough 9y ago
    I can understand believing that, and it's likely true for some people. I don't think that all people with BPD are the same though - there's a wide range of severity, and comorbidity. She was actually the one who told me that she thought she was BPD, and wanted to get better. If I thought she was truly sociopathic, I'd cut ties with her.
gtcode 9y ago
This is disheartening to hear. One can only imagine the number of sufferers who have become estranged from loved ones because of similar circumstances. It's not difficult to understand why the loved ones had to cut them out, either. And, of course, since the sufferer ends up estranged from family and loved ones, their situation can more readily snowball into further isolation, self-destruction and increased probability of suicide.

throwaway0255 9y ago

I got away from someone with BPD after years of trying to help, and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m no longer of the opinion that people with BPD can really be helped. They’re like some form of sociopath, I really don’t think they’re capable of caring about how their actions affect other people. It’s like trying to teach empathy to a young child after they’ve done something cruel, and it’s clear you’re not really getting through to them and their brain just needs to develop more. People with BPD stay that way their whole lives, and have everyone around them walking on eggshells every day.

adekok 9y ago

If they're not getting better, they're not worth dealing with. I've seen analogies with other medical disorders. e.g. Incontinence. It's sad that you're incontinent. I feel for you, I really do. But the last time you were in my house, you peed on my $4000 leather couch and destroyed it. So until such time as you can conduct yourself appropriately, you are no longer welcome in my house. What I've seen is that borderlines know there's something wrong with them. But the disorder also prevents them from seeking help. Until they get better, they sow a path of destruction in peoples lives which is near-biblical in scope.

dxtr 9y ago

My fiancee has BPD. We've been together for 7 years and have two kids. Why should I distance myself?

jmcgough 9y ago

I think it depends entirely on whether they're willing to work on it, and how they act when they're in a bad state. I have a partner with BPD, and she's put a lot of effort into getting better (and I've seen real progress), and at her worst she's never really acted maliciously or cruel. Still, way more extreme highs and lows than any other relationship I've been in, and I've stopped seeing them as much just because it's so exhausting.

kross 9y ago
I applaud your effort, and I don't want this to be hurtful, but borderlines are chameleons, and I want you to guard against false hope. Good luck, but I'm afraid it is a battle that cannot be won (at this time).
- tc313 9y ago
  There's a wide spectrum of severity when it comes to personality disorders; just because one person with BPD is beyond help doesn't mean others are unable to lead reasonably normal lives with the disorder.
  - kross 9y ago
    Perhaps, but uncertainty plagues all those in the borderline's sphere of influence, and more likely than not, it's a save yourself situation. If you are realistically willing to give your life for this BPD, then by all means stick it out and good luck to you. But don't presume it is any more hopeful than highly unlikely of even leading a troubled relationship. Most likely a relationship full of anguish - probability speaking.
- jmcgough 9y ago
  I can understand believing that, and it's likely true for some people. I don't think that all people with BPD are the same though - there's a wide range of severity, and comorbidity. She was actually the one who told me that she thought she was BPD, and wanted to get better. If I thought she was truly sociopathic, I'd cut ties with her.

gtcode 9y ago

This is disheartening to hear. One can only imagine the number of sufferers who have become estranged from loved ones because of similar circumstances. It's not difficult to understand why the loved ones had to cut them out, either. And, of course, since the sufferer ends up estranged from family and loved ones, their situation can more readily snowball into further isolation, self-destruction and increased probability of suicide.