8 ms·

I was diagnosed in college. I went through a few relationships and got attached like crazy, early. That drove the person away and I'd get desperate/angry. Rinse

I was diagnosed in college. I went through a few relationships and got attached like crazy, early. That drove the person away and I'd get desperate/angry. Rinse, repeat. Prescribed a drug that made me much more depressed and started cutting. I stopped taking it, and later met the person who is now my spouse. Early in the relationship I got fraught that it would end, so I tried to end it preemptively. That didn't work, thankfully. It was really a relationship where I could for the first time just be myself and not "front", so it just felt right. My pysch was not convinced and warned me, rightly so. But, we moved away from that college, got married, have kids, and really haven't had any emotional rollercoasters since (over 10 years later). But occasionally I have emotional scares/thoughts but they usually subside. Also, since I'm on a throwaway, when we first had our first child I kept getting murderous thoughts about how to kill it whenever I got frustrated. These scared me, and through some introspection, my own aim seemed to be to get an emotional response from myself. Especially since these thoughts typically included how I would immediately regret harming my child and how others would react. So I feel like it's still there, but my hormones leveled out or something happened to allow me to manage it.

kbenson 9y ago
> Also, since I'm on a throwaway, when we first had our first child I kept getting murderous thoughts about how to kill it whenever I got frustrated. These scared me I imagine so. There are always errant thoughts of taboo things (well, I assume that's a common thing...), but to keep coming back to something like that without some obvious priming (such as media) sounds terrifying. Just experiencing those thoughts and wondering about myself would probably leave me a wreck, so good on you for recognizing them for what they were and finding a way to deal with them.
- 39387gjk34i 9y ago
  Yeah I got pretty wrecked. Sometimes it was "what would your parents/in-laws/wife think if you did this..." Other times it was more insidious, "would your baby still be so fond of you if you slowly crushed its head". Ugh, I struggle just trying to type that last one out. They would always bring me to tears. I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing I suppose. These have disappeared now that our kids is older and our emotional input is requited. I am still contemplating whether I should mention it to my spouse. She knows about my diagnosis in college but not these intrusive thoughts.
  - Nzen 9y ago
    My favorite viruscomix [1] (by Winston Rowntree) deals with intrusive thoughts, by having a homeless character meet her alternate reality self. The conventionally successful self had a better support network, but is still desperately afraid that she will heed her reclusive, despairing aspect. I want to give away the emotional climax, but shouldn't; I cried when I first read it. [1] http://www.viruscomix.com/page590.html http://www.viruscomix.com/page590.html As with pain, we can never really know the scope of anyone else's intrusive thoughts; but know that it is not a unique burden.
  - kbenson 9y ago
    > I am still contemplating whether I should mention it to my spouse. She knows about my diagnosis in college but not these intrusive thoughts. That's a tough one. I'm going to step inand give my two cents, even though I'm not trained in this and don't have a huge amount of experience. Don't share it unless you have a specific setting that allows it to be digested by her slowly, and with professional help to put it into context, and even then have a good reason for doing so. Sharing this with her puts her in the situation of needing to balance her understanding and love of her husband with her love and protectiveness of her children. It's her job to worry about the kids, so even if she's 99% sure there's absolutely no danger, that 1% is hard to accept as a parent. As long as you're sure the situation is safe, saving her from having to obsess over the possibility of those scenarios is doing you both a favor. This of course presupposes that you aren't really a danger, as you've noted. So as long as you're sure of that, I keeping it to yourself is better for your both. I'm of course an untrained outsider looking in though, so take this for whatever it's worth.
    - Fnoord 9y ago
      Perhaps this type of information can be shared in a setting with the two subjects plus a professional such as their psychiatrist. I mean, isn't this what e.g. psychologists, psychiatrists, and mediators are for?
      - kbenson 9y ago
        That is what I was getting at with "unless you have a specific setting that allows it to be digested by her slowly, and with professional help to put it into context".
spython 9y ago
From my anecdotal experience, this kind of intrusive thoughts stems from being afraid of your emotions. Being afraid that anger of frustration overpowers you and you'd do things that would destroy your life. It's important to understand that emotions can't 'force' you to do anything. You fuel your intrusive thoughts by not allowing your frustration to vent in an appropriate manner. Just sighing and saying 'I am frustrated, oh well' when you are can help a lot. Intrusive thoughts are like a mild case of OCD, and with a bit of psychotherapy the will disappear.
- 39387gjk34i 9y ago
  Soon after I moved I also started working out. I've gained about 50 lbs (mostly muscle), and have much better self-confidence. I would also say that helped. My diet has also changed a lot, like another commentator mentioned. Too many variables!
  - spython 9y ago
    Glad that you are doing better! I hope you are also able to unlearn the thought patterns that are learned during an emotional crisis. "Emotions are dangerous and I have to control them" is one of them. While these thought patterns subside when everything is fine they may come back when life goes into hard mode. There is a great comment in a psychologists AMA on reddit regarding thought patterns: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4vwsqc/psychologists_of_reddit_what_are_some_very_common/d629eh8/?st=jaqvn2fq&sh=b9dc9ede https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4vwsqc/psycholog...
pdfernhout 9y ago
Diet (especially getting enough omega 3s and fruits and vegetables) -- as well as other lifestyle issues and stresses -- can have a big effect on mood. So moving to a new situation may have helped -- like perhaps you spouse is a good at cooking healthy food? See for example my comments here on many factors of psychological health: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15455259 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15455259 And see also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy "This approach works towards helping people increase their emotional and cognitive regulation by learning about the triggers that lead to reactive states and helping to assess which coping skills to apply in the sequence of events, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to help avoid undesired reactions." Of course, all easier said than done...

kbenson 9y ago

> Also, since I'm on a throwaway, when we first had our first child I kept getting murderous thoughts about how to kill it whenever I got frustrated. These scared me I imagine so. There are always errant thoughts of taboo things (well, I assume that's a common thing...), but to keep coming back to something like that without some obvious priming (such as media) sounds terrifying. Just experiencing those thoughts and wondering about myself would probably leave me a wreck, so good on you for recognizing them for what they were and finding a way to deal with them.

39387gjk34i 9y ago
Yeah I got pretty wrecked. Sometimes it was "what would your parents/in-laws/wife think if you did this..." Other times it was more insidious, "would your baby still be so fond of you if you slowly crushed its head". Ugh, I struggle just trying to type that last one out. They would always bring me to tears. I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing I suppose. These have disappeared now that our kids is older and our emotional input is requited. I am still contemplating whether I should mention it to my spouse. She knows about my diagnosis in college but not these intrusive thoughts.
- Nzen 9y ago
  My favorite viruscomix [1] (by Winston Rowntree) deals with intrusive thoughts, by having a homeless character meet her alternate reality self. The conventionally successful self had a better support network, but is still desperately afraid that she will heed her reclusive, despairing aspect. I want to give away the emotional climax, but shouldn't; I cried when I first read it. [1] http://www.viruscomix.com/page590.html http://www.viruscomix.com/page590.html As with pain, we can never really know the scope of anyone else's intrusive thoughts; but know that it is not a unique burden.
- kbenson 9y ago
  > I am still contemplating whether I should mention it to my spouse. She knows about my diagnosis in college but not these intrusive thoughts. That's a tough one. I'm going to step inand give my two cents, even though I'm not trained in this and don't have a huge amount of experience. Don't share it unless you have a specific setting that allows it to be digested by her slowly, and with professional help to put it into context, and even then have a good reason for doing so. Sharing this with her puts her in the situation of needing to balance her understanding and love of her husband with her love and protectiveness of her children. It's her job to worry about the kids, so even if she's 99% sure there's absolutely no danger, that 1% is hard to accept as a parent. As long as you're sure the situation is safe, saving her from having to obsess over the possibility of those scenarios is doing you both a favor. This of course presupposes that you aren't really a danger, as you've noted. So as long as you're sure of that, I keeping it to yourself is better for your both. I'm of course an untrained outsider looking in though, so take this for whatever it's worth.
  - Fnoord 9y ago
    Perhaps this type of information can be shared in a setting with the two subjects plus a professional such as their psychiatrist. I mean, isn't this what e.g. psychologists, psychiatrists, and mediators are for?
    - kbenson 9y ago
      That is what I was getting at with "unless you have a specific setting that allows it to be digested by her slowly, and with professional help to put it into context".

spython 9y ago

From my anecdotal experience, this kind of intrusive thoughts stems from being afraid of your emotions. Being afraid that anger of frustration overpowers you and you'd do things that would destroy your life. It's important to understand that emotions can't 'force' you to do anything. You fuel your intrusive thoughts by not allowing your frustration to vent in an appropriate manner. Just sighing and saying 'I am frustrated, oh well' when you are can help a lot. Intrusive thoughts are like a mild case of OCD, and with a bit of psychotherapy the will disappear.

39387gjk34i 9y ago
Soon after I moved I also started working out. I've gained about 50 lbs (mostly muscle), and have much better self-confidence. I would also say that helped. My diet has also changed a lot, like another commentator mentioned. Too many variables!
- spython 9y ago
  Glad that you are doing better! I hope you are also able to unlearn the thought patterns that are learned during an emotional crisis. "Emotions are dangerous and I have to control them" is one of them. While these thought patterns subside when everything is fine they may come back when life goes into hard mode. There is a great comment in a psychologists AMA on reddit regarding thought patterns: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4vwsqc/psychologists_of_reddit_what_are_some_very_common/d629eh8/?st=jaqvn2fq&sh=b9dc9ede https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4vwsqc/psycholog...

pdfernhout 9y ago

Diet (especially getting enough omega 3s and fruits and vegetables) -- as well as other lifestyle issues and stresses -- can have a big effect on mood. So moving to a new situation may have helped -- like perhaps you spouse is a good at cooking healthy food? See for example my comments here on many factors of psychological health: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15455259 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15455259 And see also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy "This approach works towards helping people increase their emotional and cognitive regulation by learning about the triggers that lead to reactive states and helping to assess which coping skills to apply in the sequence of events, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to help avoid undesired reactions." Of course, all easier said than done...