5 ms·

How do you take risks when you’re married with kids?

stefano 9y ago
By having a nest egg that can keep you and your family going for a few years.
semi-extrinsic 9y ago
Settle down and have kids early, play the long game instead. Seriously. Have kids when you're ~25 (closer to the optimal age for having kids), then by the time you're ~45 they'll have moved out and you'll have the time and the financial freedom to take risks, do what you want, sail around the world etc. We've done this. And let me tell you, working 40 hours a week when your 8-month baby lets you sleep on average 2 hours per night is a lot fucking harder than the 70-hour tech-scene work week. So given the choice, I'll take the former when I'm young and fit for it, and the latter when I'm older and wiser.
- dandr01d 9y ago
  How do you pick a wife and get married and have kids by 25? That’s simply impossible for people that don’t marry their high school sweetheart and stay together through college
  - brandnewlow 9y ago
    Date agressively and widely for 6 months-year. Double down on someoone who seems promising and date that person for a year or two. Marry that person with a short-ish engagement. Begin having kids. That can be done in 2-4 years.
    - ottumm 9y ago
      And they say romance is dead.
    - nothrabannosir 9y ago
      Our concepts of relationships, parenthood and (crucially) romance are so far apart you’d need a space shuttle to go between them. This is... not exactly actionable advice for everyone ?
      - swsieber 9y ago
        What is your concept of romance? I think the parent's posting is more applicable than you might think - putting in the effort to go on dates and really get to know a person does a lot to cultivate romance. Nothing kills romance like hanging-out, but my perception might be different than yours - my ideal romance leads to a life-long relationship, which takes the same kind of effort that the parent's suggestion called for (deliberate effort focus on a romantic relationship).
      - deleted 9y ago
        [deleted]
    - icedchai 9y ago
      You forgot the part about getting divorced and going broke. Sometimes, it's worth waiting a bit.
      - Spooky23 9y ago
        It's not really germane. Statistically, your divorce probability drops dramatically when you get married at 25, and doesn't change much afterward. Once you're married at 25, the primary risk factors are: substance abuse (obvious), prior cohabitation (many people feel they "slide" into marriage when they do this), and unemployment.
        icedchai 9y ago
        If you make the wrong decision, you're looking at potentially losing half of your assets in a divorce. Plus, if you're unlucky enough to have a kid, there's another 18 years of child support. If you survive that without going broke, you'll also probably feel compelled to pay for college. There goes another half million. Of course, maybe it's not quite that bad. Maybe you're just really miserable all the time. Things aren't quite terrible enough to leave your marriage, especially considering the consequences, so you suffer for a couple of decades. Instead of giving up half your money, you give up half your life and most of your freedom. I have friends in this very situation. They tell me they wished they stayed single. Yeah, I'd say finding the right partner is pretty germane.
  - Spooky23 9y ago
    That was average age of getting married 25 years ago. Honestly, it’s not that complicated.
  - swsieber 9y ago
    You go on lots of dates. Of course, that's no guarantee - I belong to a religion where dating is a thing, and we believe marriage can be eternal, so there is a big emphasis on dating. And during my college years I was in an apartment of 6 and it seemed like every semester I'd have an engaged roommate - and I went on lots a dates, but didn't get married until I graduated. So, yeah, go on lots of dates, and you might get married early. If not, don't sweat it. Just make sure you marry somebody who will work to have a good marriage. note: I (and my culture) are definitely outliers - we tend to go through the courtship process relatively fast - I married my wife about 9 months after first meeting her.
    - deleted 9y ago
      [deleted]
    - linkregister 9y ago
      What religion?
      - swsieber 9y ago
        The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS for short, but more widely known as 'Mormons') In regards to dating, I was living in Provo, UT at the time, which over emphasized the dating aspect - I'm not sure how emphasized the dating aspect is outside of the U.S. / Angelo Saxon culture areas. What I find rather interesting though is that despite placing more importance and weight on marriage, we tend to go through the courtship process faster (under a year is not uncommon).
        linkregister 9y ago
        That makes sense. Once a couple finds that their world view, values, and personalities are compatible, there is little else to evaluate.
  - emodendroket 9y ago
    I think "impossible" is maybe going a little far; I met my wife in college and was engaged at 23 and married a year later. There are other problems though -- most people don't have the kind of financial security you'd want to raise a kid at that age and they probably don't want the lifestyle that comes with it yet (despite getting married early I don't have kids five years later).
  - HeavyStorm 9y ago
    Agreed. I'm completely open to marriage but haven't found the right person yet.
  - ismyrnow 9y ago
    Definitely not impossible. I got married at 21, and it's one of the best decisions I ever made. We just celebrated our 8th anniversary, and we've got two kids to enjoy it with. No, it wasn't to my high school sweetheart either. I was blessed to meet someone that fit me, and we made a commitment to each other. I know others who did the same and have thriving marriages. I think it's really dependent on personal maturity. My wife-to-be and I both knew what we wanted families, so we looked at our financial situation, and decided we could responsibly get married while I was still in college. A couple generations ago, that was pretty normal. Not so much now, but that doesn't make it impossible.
- randomsearch 9y ago
  Advising people to get married young is also a great way to boost the divorce rate. Most people in their mid-20s are still growing up.
nshelly 9y ago
It's increasingly common for financially well-off people to marry other financially well-off people, perhaps contributing to income inequality. So, if you both share parenting duties (1-3 hours a day of individual work plus daytime child care, and being flexible with night time duties), it's doable if one of you has a high-paying steady job and the other is taking on more risk. In fact, with marginal tax rates in CA and NY approaching 50% it might actually be more efficient for one spouse to receive compensation through building equity. Alternatively saving a lot of money before you have kids and living frugally by working in a lower cost metro area or renting outside of SF/Palo Alto can work. It's obviously a risk so you and your family has to be on board.
- Spooky23 9y ago
  Living in the SF Bay Area is like the anti-pattern for gathering wealth. You make lots of money, but it's a bad cash flow story.
  - jogjayr 9y ago
    That's not necessarily true, especially if you work in tech.
    - wpietri 9y ago
      It depends on how willing you are to live below your means, and below what your peers in other regions have. The programmers I know outside the Bay Area (or NYC) own houses with yards that have plenty of room for kids. Even relatively young ones. To buy the median single family home in San Francisco or San Mateo country, the minimum salary is circa $290,000. [1] [1] http://www.mercurynews.com/2017/08/11/bay-area-real-estate-to-buy-a-median-priced-home-you-now-need-income-over-179000/ http://www.mercurynews.com/2017/08/11/bay-area-real-estate-t...
      - jogjayr 9y ago
        OTOH if you live below your means, the outsized salaries make wealth accumulation far easier than anywhere else.

By having a nest egg that can keep you and your family going for a few years.

Settle down and have kids early, play the long game instead. Seriously. Have kids when you're ~25 (closer to the optimal age for having kids), then by the time you're ~45 they'll have moved out and you'll have the time and the financial freedom to take risks, do what you want, sail around the world etc. We've done this. And let me tell you, working 40 hours a week when your 8-month baby lets you sleep on average 2 hours per night is a lot fucking harder than the 70-hour tech-scene work week. So given the choice, I'll take the former when I'm young and fit for it, and the latter when I'm older and wiser.

dandr01d 9y ago
How do you pick a wife and get married and have kids by 25? That’s simply impossible for people that don’t marry their high school sweetheart and stay together through college
- brandnewlow 9y ago
  Date agressively and widely for 6 months-year. Double down on someoone who seems promising and date that person for a year or two. Marry that person with a short-ish engagement. Begin having kids. That can be done in 2-4 years.
  - ottumm 9y ago
    And they say romance is dead.
  - nothrabannosir 9y ago
    Our concepts of relationships, parenthood and (crucially) romance are so far apart you’d need a space shuttle to go between them. This is... not exactly actionable advice for everyone ?
    - swsieber 9y ago
      What is your concept of romance? I think the parent's posting is more applicable than you might think - putting in the effort to go on dates and really get to know a person does a lot to cultivate romance. Nothing kills romance like hanging-out, but my perception might be different than yours - my ideal romance leads to a life-long relationship, which takes the same kind of effort that the parent's suggestion called for (deliberate effort focus on a romantic relationship).
    - deleted 9y ago
      [deleted]
  - icedchai 9y ago
    You forgot the part about getting divorced and going broke. Sometimes, it's worth waiting a bit.
    - Spooky23 9y ago
      It's not really germane. Statistically, your divorce probability drops dramatically when you get married at 25, and doesn't change much afterward. Once you're married at 25, the primary risk factors are: substance abuse (obvious), prior cohabitation (many people feel they "slide" into marriage when they do this), and unemployment.
      - icedchai 9y ago
        If you make the wrong decision, you're looking at potentially losing half of your assets in a divorce. Plus, if you're unlucky enough to have a kid, there's another 18 years of child support. If you survive that without going broke, you'll also probably feel compelled to pay for college. There goes another half million. Of course, maybe it's not quite that bad. Maybe you're just really miserable all the time. Things aren't quite terrible enough to leave your marriage, especially considering the consequences, so you suffer for a couple of decades. Instead of giving up half your money, you give up half your life and most of your freedom. I have friends in this very situation. They tell me they wished they stayed single. Yeah, I'd say finding the right partner is pretty germane.
- Spooky23 9y ago
  That was average age of getting married 25 years ago. Honestly, it’s not that complicated.
- swsieber 9y ago
  You go on lots of dates. Of course, that's no guarantee - I belong to a religion where dating is a thing, and we believe marriage can be eternal, so there is a big emphasis on dating. And during my college years I was in an apartment of 6 and it seemed like every semester I'd have an engaged roommate - and I went on lots a dates, but didn't get married until I graduated. So, yeah, go on lots of dates, and you might get married early. If not, don't sweat it. Just make sure you marry somebody who will work to have a good marriage. note: I (and my culture) are definitely outliers - we tend to go through the courtship process relatively fast - I married my wife about 9 months after first meeting her.
  - deleted 9y ago
    [deleted]
  - linkregister 9y ago
    What religion?
    - swsieber 9y ago
      The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS for short, but more widely known as 'Mormons') In regards to dating, I was living in Provo, UT at the time, which over emphasized the dating aspect - I'm not sure how emphasized the dating aspect is outside of the U.S. / Angelo Saxon culture areas. What I find rather interesting though is that despite placing more importance and weight on marriage, we tend to go through the courtship process faster (under a year is not uncommon).
      - linkregister 9y ago
        That makes sense. Once a couple finds that their world view, values, and personalities are compatible, there is little else to evaluate.
- emodendroket 9y ago
  I think "impossible" is maybe going a little far; I met my wife in college and was engaged at 23 and married a year later. There are other problems though -- most people don't have the kind of financial security you'd want to raise a kid at that age and they probably don't want the lifestyle that comes with it yet (despite getting married early I don't have kids five years later).
- HeavyStorm 9y ago
  Agreed. I'm completely open to marriage but haven't found the right person yet.
- ismyrnow 9y ago
  Definitely not impossible. I got married at 21, and it's one of the best decisions I ever made. We just celebrated our 8th anniversary, and we've got two kids to enjoy it with. No, it wasn't to my high school sweetheart either. I was blessed to meet someone that fit me, and we made a commitment to each other. I know others who did the same and have thriving marriages. I think it's really dependent on personal maturity. My wife-to-be and I both knew what we wanted families, so we looked at our financial situation, and decided we could responsibly get married while I was still in college. A couple generations ago, that was pretty normal. Not so much now, but that doesn't make it impossible.
randomsearch 9y ago
Advising people to get married young is also a great way to boost the divorce rate. Most people in their mid-20s are still growing up.

nshelly 9y ago

It's increasingly common for financially well-off people to marry other financially well-off people, perhaps contributing to income inequality. So, if you both share parenting duties (1-3 hours a day of individual work plus daytime child care, and being flexible with night time duties), it's doable if one of you has a high-paying steady job and the other is taking on more risk. In fact, with marginal tax rates in CA and NY approaching 50% it might actually be more efficient for one spouse to receive compensation through building equity. Alternatively saving a lot of money before you have kids and living frugally by working in a lower cost metro area or renting outside of SF/Palo Alto can work. It's obviously a risk so you and your family has to be on board.

Spooky23 9y ago
Living in the SF Bay Area is like the anti-pattern for gathering wealth. You make lots of money, but it's a bad cash flow story.
- jogjayr 9y ago
  That's not necessarily true, especially if you work in tech.
  - wpietri 9y ago
    It depends on how willing you are to live below your means, and below what your peers in other regions have. The programmers I know outside the Bay Area (or NYC) own houses with yards that have plenty of room for kids. Even relatively young ones. To buy the median single family home in San Francisco or San Mateo country, the minimum salary is circa $290,000. [1] [1] http://www.mercurynews.com/2017/08/11/bay-area-real-estate-to-buy-a-median-priced-home-you-now-need-income-over-179000/ http://www.mercurynews.com/2017/08/11/bay-area-real-estate-t...
    - jogjayr 9y ago
      OTOH if you live below your means, the outsized salaries make wealth accumulation far easier than anywhere else.