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Well, from the way you're talking about her, it sounds like you're being a bit dismissive about her void that she needs to fill. She has hopes and dreams, just
by sillysaurus3 9y ago
Well, from the way you're talking about her, it sounds like you're being a bit dismissive about her void that she needs to fill. She has hopes and dreams, just like you. If you both met when you were teens, then she probably felt like her entire life was chosen by a teenager. And that's daunting for anyone.
I know you're hurting. I've felt it. Sometimes it feels like the end of the world. But nothing happy will come from vilifying her or blaming her. She might feel like she had to look out for herself. It's the only life she'll ever get.
If she's truly polyamorous, then that means there is space for you too, you know. You just have to attract her.
But you should ask yourself if you really want that. She's a different person than the idea of her you're clinging to. Do you love her? Or are you afraid of being alone?
If you love her, and you want to pursue it, realize you might still lose her. But one chance is to wait for her to finish exploring whatever she wants to explore, and then see if she comes back. Keep in touch and try to talk about something real, something deep. Without arguing. Let her have a voice.
It's not enough to pay someone's bills. They're a person. And one step towards a healthy relationship is to shed the "if I do X for you, then you do Y for me" mindset. It's poisonous, at least in my own life. Maybe it's different for other people.
Best of luck. If you want to chat, shoot me an email.
- throwaway413 9y agoI understand and get where you’re coming from. I appreciate it. But trust me when I say I have not ignored this hole at all. She is completely unaware of it. I’ve been trying to help her mend it subconsciously for years. Years. I can’t even get started on the ways how. But again, I get where you’re coming from. It’s just not like that. Trust me. If she was just bills to me - I would have stopped paying a long time ago. We shared a deep deep connection. Why do you think I got married so young?
- sillysaurus3 9y agoAh, yeah. I was reading a bit far into it. Do you think she'd be willing to go to couple's therapy? It's very expensive but it can be worth it. If you're ever looking for someone to just listen, let me know.
- throwaway413 9y agoThank you, I appreciate your ears. I have been trying to get her into couples counseling or even just individual counseling for over a year. She just never makes it happen. I started counseling individually 2 months ago. She came to 1 session, I booked her a follow up, but she cancelled it. She has theoretically agreed to couple counseling in the past, but now couldn’t be bothered. She thinks her IG friends are her counselors, starting the echo chamber cycle.
- late2part 9y agoWhen you read this article, what do you think? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
- throwaway413 9y agoOh yeah. I think I have continued to let her act this way because being with her, being married, our family, has all been such a huge part of my identity...but that's not a bad thing to me. I guess then it must be my responsibility if I actually care about her to leave her, so she can overcome her own stuff. Which is where I'm currently at...it just fucking sucks.
- late2part 9y agoIt does just fucking suck. And I’m very sorry that you have to go through this. The hardest part of love and relationships being vulnerable and knowing that sometimes it doesn’t work out. You guys have a kid together, and that’s more important than anything. Take care of your kid and take care of yourself. She’s chosen not to take care of you.
- sillysaurus3 9y agoHow're you doing today? Do you want anyone to talk to?
- 9y ago