3 ms·

No, we haven’t gone to court, no alimony or payments - luckily she wants to avoid it because her parents had a very messy divorce in her childhood. I pay for h

No, we haven’t gone to court, no alimony or payments - luckily she wants to avoid it because her parents had a very messy divorce in her childhood. I pay for her because honestly I’m scared of the lifestyle my child will live. She doesn’t work. She makes no money. She would be on the streets honestly. Doesn’t speak to either of her parents. I recently emptied our joint bank account save $100. She flipped. Every time I cut her off more she gets more and more spiteful. So I’m in the process of cutting the lease on her house. Of selling the car. It’s just gonna take time, but I’m trying to avoid the court as well. Not that I have done literally anything wrong - I’m not scared of a judge ruling anything in her favor. I just want to avoid any chance of being in that situation though. Seeing I have about a lot more per year more to lose than she does...

watwut 9y ago
Did you spoke to the lawyer? The judge ruling in her favor would not be worst for you then it is now. If she risk being homeless, the child might even end up with you. In which case you dont have to fear irregular lifestyle you fear now. And if you ended up with shared custody, you would still have more control over what is going on with kid, was able to intervene sooner and still did not had to pay as much as you pay now.
lumberjack 9y ago
She does not sound mentally capable of nurturing a child. If I were you, I'd leverage my stable income job and stable background to try go get custody. You can still allow her to live with your child, but it is important that you are the one making important decisions about your child's upbringing, and to keep her safe. Talk to a lawyer.
exit 9y ago
please speak to a lawyer if you haven't already
- throwaway413 9y ago
  Yeah I guess I really need to. I’ve been scared to do so.
  - ryanlol 9y ago
    You should be much more scared of what might happen if you do not. Hiring a lawyer isn't something you'll regret for years, not doing so on the other hand...
tuxxy 9y ago
A person who is close to me has went through something similar. I would admonish that you get a lawyer ASAP and talk out your options. This needs to be handled legally before someone does something they regret.
slv77 9y ago
Do some research into living with someone with borderline personality disorder. Only someone qualified can make the diagnosis but for those that may be involved with someone with bpd learning about bpd can help them better navigate the relationship, set boundaries and better protect their own mental health. The early childhood abuse, unstable relationships and “the void” seem like a strong fit.
- throwaway413 9y ago
  Ok, thank you, I will look into BPD.
late2part 9y ago
There's a point of view that says it's easier to 'control' finances while you're married then when you're divorced. One possibly good outcome is she has no access to your finances and you stay married. That way no court orders you to do anything. Definitely recommend spend $1k with a divorce attorney to see your options. If she'd be on the streets, that's her choice. Give her an ultimatum and let her live with the consequences.
- throwaway413 9y ago
  That's what my current goal is, granted I haven't spoken to a lawyer yet which I will now. I truly believe she will never go through a court or even try to get a divorce. She doesn't "believe" in legal matters. Thanks for the advice. Going to seek those options.
  - late2part 9y ago
    From what you’ve described, she’s easily impressionable. I suspect her hippie commune followers will encourage her and sway her opinion to go see a lawyer. Especially when you cut off financial support.
crusso 9y ago
I've seen this kind of scenario before. Don't let circumstances bleed you dry. Take decisive action to clear up the financial questions and go to a judge/lawyer if that's what it takes. Keep records of every dollar that goes anywhere, evidence of infidelity, etc. You can always decide to be more generous later, but let that be your decision, not hers or some disinterested third party that will assume that you went on living this way because you consented.

watwut 9y ago

Did you spoke to the lawyer? The judge ruling in her favor would not be worst for you then it is now. If she risk being homeless, the child might even end up with you. In which case you dont have to fear irregular lifestyle you fear now. And if you ended up with shared custody, you would still have more control over what is going on with kid, was able to intervene sooner and still did not had to pay as much as you pay now.

lumberjack 9y ago

She does not sound mentally capable of nurturing a child. If I were you, I'd leverage my stable income job and stable background to try go get custody. You can still allow her to live with your child, but it is important that you are the one making important decisions about your child's upbringing, and to keep her safe. Talk to a lawyer.

exit 9y ago

please speak to a lawyer if you haven't already

throwaway413 9y ago
Yeah I guess I really need to. I’ve been scared to do so.
- ryanlol 9y ago
  You should be much more scared of what might happen if you do not. Hiring a lawyer isn't something you'll regret for years, not doing so on the other hand...

tuxxy 9y ago

A person who is close to me has went through something similar. I would admonish that you get a lawyer ASAP and talk out your options. This needs to be handled legally before someone does something they regret.

slv77 9y ago

Do some research into living with someone with borderline personality disorder. Only someone qualified can make the diagnosis but for those that may be involved with someone with bpd learning about bpd can help them better navigate the relationship, set boundaries and better protect their own mental health. The early childhood abuse, unstable relationships and “the void” seem like a strong fit.

throwaway413 9y ago
Ok, thank you, I will look into BPD.

late2part 9y ago

There's a point of view that says it's easier to 'control' finances while you're married then when you're divorced. One possibly good outcome is she has no access to your finances and you stay married. That way no court orders you to do anything. Definitely recommend spend $1k with a divorce attorney to see your options. If she'd be on the streets, that's her choice. Give her an ultimatum and let her live with the consequences.

throwaway413 9y ago
That's what my current goal is, granted I haven't spoken to a lawyer yet which I will now. I truly believe she will never go through a court or even try to get a divorce. She doesn't "believe" in legal matters. Thanks for the advice. Going to seek those options.
- late2part 9y ago
  From what you’ve described, she’s easily impressionable. I suspect her hippie commune followers will encourage her and sway her opinion to go see a lawyer. Especially when you cut off financial support.

crusso 9y ago

I've seen this kind of scenario before. Don't let circumstances bleed you dry. Take decisive action to clear up the financial questions and go to a judge/lawyer if that's what it takes. Keep records of every dollar that goes anywhere, evidence of infidelity, etc. You can always decide to be more generous later, but let that be your decision, not hers or some disinterested third party that will assume that you went on living this way because you consented.