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There are a lot of logical loops here that don’t make sense. “I can’t”, “I will always”, “for obvious reasons...” etc. They sound familiar to me. I’ve been stu

There are a lot of logical loops here that don’t make sense. “I can’t”, “I will always”, “for obvious reasons...” etc. They sound familiar to me. I’ve been stuck in loops of anger/pain where I can’t let go of an axiom, even though I know it’s probably not representative of reality, because I am obsessed about the possibility of finding another axiom under that one.... one that is both represented in reality AND addresses the pain I am feeling. The only way that can continue for months/years is by keeping it a secret. He keeps saying over and over how he could never tell anyone because it would get out. But that’s his false axiom. Talking would’ve been the only way to find release. Talking would’ve unraveled his nonsense thoughts. But he needed to cling to them to feel safe. I’m not sad he killed himself, that was his decision. But I’m sad he went so long without having a true friend or a doctor who could listen and help process reality with. That sounds unbearable. There is someone out there who can hold the conversation you need to have. You will probably have to try with several people to find them, and it will be devastatingly hard. It will be terrifying. But it is the only way to get to the point where you have a confidant whose eyes you can use to correct your own flawed vision. There is someone out there who has been waiting their whole life to have that conversation with you.

hyperpallium 9y ago
Cognitive therapy takes this approach. Distorted thoughts cause distorted feelings, in that an emotional reaction to an event/situation is dependent on a perception/interpretation of it. i.e. a cognition. Faulty cognition -> faulty emotion. ...therefore, taking such feelings as "true" (as an assessment of reality) is mistaken. I bring this up is because cognitive therapy can be practiced from books, without having to share with another, if that is an obstacle. Of course, having a true friend is an even better and easier way. And a funny thing is that by its nature, it's easier to spot faulty cognition in someone else (from the outside) than in yourself (from the inside). So, people can help each other.
dhubris 9y ago
> He keeps saying over and over how he could never tell anyone because it would get out. But that’s his false axiom. Talking would’ve been the only way to find release. There are huge elements of shame at work here. No, it is not logical to feel shame over being abused as a child. Nonetheless, it becomes one of your most closely guarded secrets because you are ashamed. It can take years to get to a point of being able to talk about it and be able to process it, assuming you can find the safe space to do so.
rdiddly 9y ago
Well said. He missed his biggest and best opportunity for not only comfort but revenge as well, by not talking honestly and openly about it. Seems paradoxical that he'd be brave enough to die, but not to try that. And don't just tell one person; scatter it to the four winds. Ideally go on Oprah so you can have a million people supporting you and hating your abuser for you. Yeah you'll lose your precious precious secret that way, but that's kind of the whole point. It stops being your sole burden, yes, but more importantly it stops being the thing you protect at all costs. Anything you protect at all costs is obviously the most important thing in your life, right? So if you want it to stop being that, you have to demote it from that lofty position. The day you can talk about it as casually as ordering a sandwich is the day you've finally licked it. But it can be scary to start letting go of the thing you've been hanging onto your whole life, even (ironically) when that thing is so profoundly shitty. Shame is just the shadow of pride. The same advice applies to both: get over yourself. The difference is, with pride it's so other people can stand you. With shame it's so you can stand yourself.

hyperpallium 9y ago

Cognitive therapy takes this approach. Distorted thoughts cause distorted feelings, in that an emotional reaction to an event/situation is dependent on a perception/interpretation of it. i.e. a cognition. Faulty cognition -> faulty emotion. ...therefore, taking such feelings as "true" (as an assessment of reality) is mistaken. I bring this up is because cognitive therapy can be practiced from books, without having to share with another, if that is an obstacle. Of course, having a true friend is an even better and easier way. And a funny thing is that by its nature, it's easier to spot faulty cognition in someone else (from the outside) than in yourself (from the inside). So, people can help each other.

dhubris 9y ago

> He keeps saying over and over how he could never tell anyone because it would get out. But that’s his false axiom. Talking would’ve been the only way to find release. There are huge elements of shame at work here. No, it is not logical to feel shame over being abused as a child. Nonetheless, it becomes one of your most closely guarded secrets because you are ashamed. It can take years to get to a point of being able to talk about it and be able to process it, assuming you can find the safe space to do so.

rdiddly 9y ago

Well said. He missed his biggest and best opportunity for not only comfort but revenge as well, by not talking honestly and openly about it. Seems paradoxical that he'd be brave enough to die, but not to try that. And don't just tell one person; scatter it to the four winds. Ideally go on Oprah so you can have a million people supporting you and hating your abuser for you. Yeah you'll lose your precious precious secret that way, but that's kind of the whole point. It stops being your sole burden, yes, but more importantly it stops being the thing you protect at all costs. Anything you protect at all costs is obviously the most important thing in your life, right? So if you want it to stop being that, you have to demote it from that lofty position. The day you can talk about it as casually as ordering a sandwich is the day you've finally licked it. But it can be scary to start letting go of the thing you've been hanging onto your whole life, even (ironically) when that thing is so profoundly shitty. Shame is just the shadow of pride. The same advice applies to both: get over yourself. The difference is, with pride it's so other people can stand you. With shame it's so you can stand yourself.