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I try to avoid talking about other people, and often feel very uncomfortable when people I'm hanging out with (or whatever) start talking about other people. M

by Qz 16y ago

I try to avoid talking about other people, and often feel very uncomfortable when people I'm hanging out with (or whatever) start talking about other people. My sister does it all the time and my parents listen with rapt attention -- I try to excuse myself as quickly as possible. There's really no point to it other than self-gratification in one form or another. edit: bleh, I already feel awkward for saying that about my sister, but it was relevant to the subject...

yannk 16y ago
+1 before your edit it stroke me as funny. There are various degrees of criticism of others (when absent). I agree I would want to change subject if it's totally negative, but most of the time I feel like there is also a lot of good things said and to be said. If your parents and sister are _that_ negative about others, I guess you could also bring that concern to them instead of fleeing :)
- Qz 16y ago
  Well, it's something I've observed for a long time but never said anything about, and then this topic came along which seemed to address it exactly. I mean, I used to do it a lot myself before, but eventually I realized that it really changes the way you perceive and interact with other people. Even if its not overtly negative, it establishes sort of a gulf between yourself and the people you talk about, and you can't be honest or real with them.
delano 16y ago
That is a circular argument :]
lelele 16y ago
Do you like people, Qz?
- Qz 16y ago
  I do like people, probably far more than I like spending time on computers. Which is part of why I dislike talking about other people, as that tends to focus on the things I find weird/strange/unpleasant/distracting/irritating about people. I mean, whether you talk about people or not, you still have those thoughts. But I find that if I keep them to myself rather than share them with others, it's easier to not become attached to them. The more you talk about them, the more those thoughts anchor themselves in your memory and then they become the basis for future interaction. If you're always referring to one of your coworkers as irresponsible, you're a lot more likely to assume that they didn't get their work done on time (or whatever).
timwiseman 16y ago
I think how appropriate talking about others is depends on why you are doing it. If you are gossipping, that is a waste of time at best and could be much worse if it is negative and or untrue gossip. On the other hand, you may talk about your interactions with others just because you are talking about your own life and this other person is a major factor in your life. You could also talk about someone in a directly productive way, such as discussing candidates for a job or asking for advice or assistance on behalf of someone else. It sounds like your sister's conversations are towards the gossip end of the spectrum, but it is important to note that not all discussion of others is like that.

by Qz 16y ago

yannk 16y ago

+1 before your edit it stroke me as funny. There are various degrees of criticism of others (when absent). I agree I would want to change subject if it's totally negative, but most of the time I feel like there is also a lot of good things said and to be said. If your parents and sister are _that_ negative about others, I guess you could also bring that concern to them instead of fleeing :)

Qz 16y ago
Well, it's something I've observed for a long time but never said anything about, and then this topic came along which seemed to address it exactly. I mean, I used to do it a lot myself before, but eventually I realized that it really changes the way you perceive and interact with other people. Even if its not overtly negative, it establishes sort of a gulf between yourself and the people you talk about, and you can't be honest or real with them.

delano 16y ago

That is a circular argument :]

lelele 16y ago

Do you like people, Qz?

Qz 16y ago
I do like people, probably far more than I like spending time on computers. Which is part of why I dislike talking about other people, as that tends to focus on the things I find weird/strange/unpleasant/distracting/irritating about people. I mean, whether you talk about people or not, you still have those thoughts. But I find that if I keep them to myself rather than share them with others, it's easier to not become attached to them. The more you talk about them, the more those thoughts anchor themselves in your memory and then they become the basis for future interaction. If you're always referring to one of your coworkers as irresponsible, you're a lot more likely to assume that they didn't get their work done on time (or whatever).

timwiseman 16y ago

I think how appropriate talking about others is depends on why you are doing it. If you are gossipping, that is a waste of time at best and could be much worse if it is negative and or untrue gossip. On the other hand, you may talk about your interactions with others just because you are talking about your own life and this other person is a major factor in your life. You could also talk about someone in a directly productive way, such as discussing candidates for a job or asking for advice or assistance on behalf of someone else. It sounds like your sister's conversations are towards the gossip end of the spectrum, but it is important to note that not all discussion of others is like that.