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This site's JS made me very sad. A lot of points in this post are about appeasing toxic behavior and working with difficult bosses. Why? Appeasing toxicity onl

This site's JS made me very sad. A lot of points in this post are about appeasing toxic behavior and working with difficult bosses. Why? Appeasing toxicity only increases toxicity.

harryf 9y ago
This needs a massive up-voting. In my experience an abusive boss-employee relationship is made of two halves; a) An abusive boss b) A subject who accepts the abuse So what are your options if you don't accept the abuse. Most people say "Quit". In my experience it's far more effective to deal with the abuse directly so that the abuser knows that you're not willing to accept their behaviour. Of course there's a fear of being fired, but IMO that tends to be over-estimated. Getting you fired in many companies is not an easy process. Your typical tyrant doesn't want to make work for themselves and like most bullies if you show resistance, they'll leave you alone. How you show resistance really varies - YMMV. For example if they make fun of you in public, making fun of them back _immediately_ is pretty effective - even if you're not funny showing you're willing to be loud in a group is the point. Calm one-on-one feedback is probably the best approach e.g. "I understand you might be under a lot of pressure at the moment but I don't like how you spoke to me this morning. I found it rude / aggressive / etc. and it makes me think about what my next steps are if this should continue". Local legal situations might mean you want to do that together with HR although the moment you involve HR, you've already escalated... And of course you need to have the courage to act, but once you make the first step, it all gets easier. Life's too short.
- potta_coffee 9y ago
  My abusive boss was my CEO, who I reported to directly. I attempted to deal with the abuse directly, after appeasing for a while. I just couldn't feel good being treated the way I was - CEO was passive-aggressive to the extreme and treats every other than herself like they're idiots. Anyway, two days after politely and diplomatically attempting to stand up for myself, I was fired.
  - toomuchtodo 9y ago
    In the future, if you’re in the states, make sure you file a complaint with your state’s labor board when this happens. It costs you nothing, and the abusive behavior becomes public record.
  - harryf 9y ago
    Sadly many people behave like that in positions of power, frequently because they are ill equipped to handle the pressure and responsibility. The root cause here is we need to better educate those leading others. How do you feel about it in retrospect? Do you regret the outcome? If so why?
    - potta_coffee 9y ago
      I'm actually happy to be out of the situation. It wasn't good for me, and I'm glad to have the opportunity to hopefully move on to something better. On the other hand, I'm pretty angry about how it went down. I moved my family 900 miles, and sold my house, to take this job, and was sacked over something extremely trivial, in a casual manner. The whole thing is a massive inconvenience to me and I can't fathom what goes through someone's head when they treat others this way.
- davman 9y ago
  Yup I've just quit, I have no intention of wasting my life suffering under someone, I'd rather move on to something else.

This site's JS made me very sad. A lot of points in this post are about appeasing toxic behavior and working with difficult bosses. Why? Appeasing toxicity only increases toxicity.

harryf 9y ago

This needs a massive up-voting. In my experience an abusive boss-employee relationship is made of two halves; a) An abusive boss b) A subject who accepts the abuse So what are your options if you don't accept the abuse. Most people say "Quit". In my experience it's far more effective to deal with the abuse directly so that the abuser knows that you're not willing to accept their behaviour. Of course there's a fear of being fired, but IMO that tends to be over-estimated. Getting you fired in many companies is not an easy process. Your typical tyrant doesn't want to make work for themselves and like most bullies if you show resistance, they'll leave you alone. How you show resistance really varies - YMMV. For example if they make fun of you in public, making fun of them back _immediately_ is pretty effective - even if you're not funny showing you're willing to be loud in a group is the point. Calm one-on-one feedback is probably the best approach e.g. "I understand you might be under a lot of pressure at the moment but I don't like how you spoke to me this morning. I found it rude / aggressive / etc. and it makes me think about what my next steps are if this should continue". Local legal situations might mean you want to do that together with HR although the moment you involve HR, you've already escalated... And of course you need to have the courage to act, but once you make the first step, it all gets easier. Life's too short.

potta_coffee 9y ago
My abusive boss was my CEO, who I reported to directly. I attempted to deal with the abuse directly, after appeasing for a while. I just couldn't feel good being treated the way I was - CEO was passive-aggressive to the extreme and treats every other than herself like they're idiots. Anyway, two days after politely and diplomatically attempting to stand up for myself, I was fired.
- toomuchtodo 9y ago
  In the future, if you’re in the states, make sure you file a complaint with your state’s labor board when this happens. It costs you nothing, and the abusive behavior becomes public record.
- harryf 9y ago
  Sadly many people behave like that in positions of power, frequently because they are ill equipped to handle the pressure and responsibility. The root cause here is we need to better educate those leading others. How do you feel about it in retrospect? Do you regret the outcome? If so why?
  - potta_coffee 9y ago
    I'm actually happy to be out of the situation. It wasn't good for me, and I'm glad to have the opportunity to hopefully move on to something better. On the other hand, I'm pretty angry about how it went down. I moved my family 900 miles, and sold my house, to take this job, and was sacked over something extremely trivial, in a casual manner. The whole thing is a massive inconvenience to me and I can't fathom what goes through someone's head when they treat others this way.
davman 9y ago
Yup I've just quit, I have no intention of wasting my life suffering under someone, I'd rather move on to something else.