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Make time for each other. Have a date night, even if you are broke and watching a movie on the TV at home. The point is spending time together, not spending mo
by Mz 9y ago
Make time for each other. Have a date night, even if you are broke and watching a movie on the TV at home. The point is spending time together, not spending money.
Never, ever go to bed mad. Settle it. This is usually followed by makeup sex.
Never tell your spouse to sleep on the couch. If you are so mad that you can't imagine sleeping next to them, grab a blanket and take yourself to the couch. Argue over who gets to declare "No, I'm sleeping on the couch!" (It gets funny at this point and hard to keep a straight face.)
Kiss each other good night every single night, even if you just had a fight. This often initiates makeup sex.
Talk.
Actively look for sexy activities to share, like oil massages.
Shop for naughty lingerie together.
Share your fantasies.
Being a lover in marriage is about trust and intimacy. This requires ongoing efforts at communication. It also requires that you invest time in the relationship. It takes at least 15 hours a week to establish and maintain intimacy. Intimacy is the font of good sex when novelty is no longer your shtick.
Remember that all is fair in love and war and this is love, not war. Make up caring exceptions to the rules you were raised with and to hell with what other people think.
Always fight fair. This is your lover. It undermines the relationship to be nasty to them when you disagree and the price you pay for that often shows up in the bedroom.
- chedemefedeme 9y agoThis might be the most beautiful comment I've ever read on HN. Thank you.
- emodendroket 9y agoThese things are all great but if your problem is feeling worn out all the time turning it into a big task like this is the opposite of what you need.
- Mz 9y agoMarriage is inherently a big task. There is no way around that. When you have trust and good communication it makes it easier to get together without an appointment at times when you genuinely are busy and exhausted. You make it clear you need 15 minutes with your wife more than you need that extra 20 minutes of sleep on a night when you have to get up in 5 hours. You humorously agree to The Sedate Thing when you want sex but are not up for The Wild Thing. You also work at resolving the issues keeping you too exhausted to have quality time. Life happens, but if issues like that never improve, it is often an excuse for people who aren't really comfortable being close for some reason. That may sound lecturing. It isn't intended to be. It is intended to be empowering. My experience was career military, a very demanding job. We had two special needs kids. I was chronically short of sleep the first 7 years of my oldest son's life and I had chronic health issues. My husband and I didn't have cushy lives. But we set a high bar for certain things and it paid off. Best.