8 ms·

Or, you know, you can make time for each other because this is the most important person in your life. Instead of making excuses. Firsthand experience suggest

by Mz 9y ago

Or, you know, you can make time for each other because this is the most important person in your life. Instead of making excuses. Firsthand experience suggests to me that such an approach leads to better experience over time, not going through the motions.

emodendroket 9y ago
"Going through the motions" involves making time for each other.
- Mz 9y ago
  I don't think you and I are on the same page here. I was married for 22 years. Setting a date and keeping an appointment was not how we handled it. I had a friend who would call me to bitch about how her and her husband did it once a month, they were just too busy and did not have time, etc. My husband would walk in and start making snarky remarks while I was on the phone and I would shush him. When they were busy, this couple recorded their favorite shows during the week and watched them together on Saturday night. They did not lack the time. They just thought X Files was vastly more important than having a love life. That was not at all how my marriage worked. I quit being sympathetic. I made polite noises and tried to change the subject.
  - emodendroket 9y ago
    Ok. Well what do you propose a couple does if they find they're not having sex as much as they want? Just hope the problem will fix itself?
    - Mz 9y ago
      Make time for each other. Have a date night, even if you are broke and watching a movie on the TV at home. The point is spending time together, not spending money. Never, ever go to bed mad. Settle it. This is usually followed by makeup sex. Never tell your spouse to sleep on the couch. If you are so mad that you can't imagine sleeping next to them, grab a blanket and take yourself to the couch. Argue over who gets to declare "No, I'm sleeping on the couch!" (It gets funny at this point and hard to keep a straight face.) Kiss each other good night every single night, even if you just had a fight. This often initiates makeup sex. Talk. Actively look for sexy activities to share, like oil massages. Shop for naughty lingerie together. Share your fantasies. Being a lover in marriage is about trust and intimacy. This requires ongoing efforts at communication. It also requires that you invest time in the relationship. It takes at least 15 hours a week to establish and maintain intimacy. Intimacy is the font of good sex when novelty is no longer your shtick. Remember that all is fair in love and war and this is love, not war. Make up caring exceptions to the rules you were raised with and to hell with what other people think. Always fight fair. This is your lover. It undermines the relationship to be nasty to them when you disagree and the price you pay for that often shows up in the bedroom.
      - chedemefedeme 9y ago
        This might be the most beautiful comment I've ever read on HN. Thank you.
      - emodendroket 9y ago
        These things are all great but if your problem is feeling worn out all the time turning it into a big task like this is the opposite of what you need.
        Mz 9y ago
        Marriage is inherently a big task. There is no way around that. When you have trust and good communication it makes it easier to get together without an appointment at times when you genuinely are busy and exhausted. You make it clear you need 15 minutes with your wife more than you need that extra 20 minutes of sleep on a night when you have to get up in 5 hours. You humorously agree to The Sedate Thing when you want sex but are not up for The Wild Thing. You also work at resolving the issues keeping you too exhausted to have quality time. Life happens, but if issues like that never improve, it is often an excuse for people who aren't really comfortable being close for some reason. That may sound lecturing. It isn't intended to be. It is intended to be empowering. My experience was career military, a very demanding job. We had two special needs kids. I was chronically short of sleep the first 7 years of my oldest son's life and I had chronic health issues. My husband and I didn't have cushy lives. But we set a high bar for certain things and it paid off. Best.
- johnchristopher 9y ago
  Typical HN word-redefining-loop bug.

by Mz 9y ago

emodendroket 9y ago

"Going through the motions" involves making time for each other.

Mz 9y ago
I don't think you and I are on the same page here. I was married for 22 years. Setting a date and keeping an appointment was not how we handled it. I had a friend who would call me to bitch about how her and her husband did it once a month, they were just too busy and did not have time, etc. My husband would walk in and start making snarky remarks while I was on the phone and I would shush him. When they were busy, this couple recorded their favorite shows during the week and watched them together on Saturday night. They did not lack the time. They just thought X Files was vastly more important than having a love life. That was not at all how my marriage worked. I quit being sympathetic. I made polite noises and tried to change the subject.
- emodendroket 9y ago
  Ok. Well what do you propose a couple does if they find they're not having sex as much as they want? Just hope the problem will fix itself?
  - Mz 9y ago
    Make time for each other. Have a date night, even if you are broke and watching a movie on the TV at home. The point is spending time together, not spending money. Never, ever go to bed mad. Settle it. This is usually followed by makeup sex. Never tell your spouse to sleep on the couch. If you are so mad that you can't imagine sleeping next to them, grab a blanket and take yourself to the couch. Argue over who gets to declare "No, I'm sleeping on the couch!" (It gets funny at this point and hard to keep a straight face.) Kiss each other good night every single night, even if you just had a fight. This often initiates makeup sex. Talk. Actively look for sexy activities to share, like oil massages. Shop for naughty lingerie together. Share your fantasies. Being a lover in marriage is about trust and intimacy. This requires ongoing efforts at communication. It also requires that you invest time in the relationship. It takes at least 15 hours a week to establish and maintain intimacy. Intimacy is the font of good sex when novelty is no longer your shtick. Remember that all is fair in love and war and this is love, not war. Make up caring exceptions to the rules you were raised with and to hell with what other people think. Always fight fair. This is your lover. It undermines the relationship to be nasty to them when you disagree and the price you pay for that often shows up in the bedroom.
    - chedemefedeme 9y ago
      This might be the most beautiful comment I've ever read on HN. Thank you.
    - emodendroket 9y ago
      These things are all great but if your problem is feeling worn out all the time turning it into a big task like this is the opposite of what you need.
      - Mz 9y ago
        Marriage is inherently a big task. There is no way around that. When you have trust and good communication it makes it easier to get together without an appointment at times when you genuinely are busy and exhausted. You make it clear you need 15 minutes with your wife more than you need that extra 20 minutes of sleep on a night when you have to get up in 5 hours. You humorously agree to The Sedate Thing when you want sex but are not up for The Wild Thing. You also work at resolving the issues keeping you too exhausted to have quality time. Life happens, but if issues like that never improve, it is often an excuse for people who aren't really comfortable being close for some reason. That may sound lecturing. It isn't intended to be. It is intended to be empowering. My experience was career military, a very demanding job. We had two special needs kids. I was chronically short of sleep the first 7 years of my oldest son's life and I had chronic health issues. My husband and I didn't have cushy lives. But we set a high bar for certain things and it paid off. Best.
johnchristopher 9y ago
Typical HN word-redefining-loop bug.