26 ms·
Over time, of course, this physical connection wanes. While many bemoan this loss of titillation, Dr. Levine celebrates it. “It’s smart,” he said. “If you’re go
by Mz 9y ago
Over time, of course, this physical connection wanes. While many bemoan this loss of titillation, Dr. Levine celebrates it. “It’s smart,” he said. “If you’re going to be crazy about the other person all the time, how are you going to raise kids? How are you going to be able to work?”
This article is all kinds of horrifying. The above paragraph plus the phrase "maintenance sex" = ick. What does that mean? "We are just going through the motions cuz we gotta. Kind of like plunging the toilet."?
Maybe you should go read a book like "Lovers in marriage" before you go trying to write anymore marriage advice.
My ex was my best friend. That in no way suggested it was platonic.
- megous 9y agoIt just means that there's less sex than in the first few months, but if there's no physical intimacy after that initial time, it may signal trouble. In other words, I read it as descriptive, not prescriptive.
- Mz 9y agoI had sex 2 to 3 times a week for 20 years with the same man. The most hot and heavy sex did not occur in the first few months. It occurred when I crossed the country to see him a few years into the marriage when our kids were still little. I don't feel I am misreading the article. I stand by my horror. Downvotes for saying it don't make me less appalled.
- zzalpha 9y ago(edited for tone) In many perfectly healthy, normal marriages, there's a disparity (sometimes significant) in sexual interest/appetite between the spouses that has absolutely nothing to do with their love for each other and everything to do with basic biological, sociological, and psychological differences. In such a marriage, sexual intimacy actually requires focused effort to maintain. Not "work". That makes it sound transactional in nature. But effort. Like, you have to prioritize it. To suggest that marriages in which this is necessary are somehow broken is simply unfair. Every marriage is unique and beyond basic expectations of love and decency, it's unreasonable to use ones own experiences as the template by which to judge other people's relationships.
- Mz 9y agoI was molested and raped as a child. I got married at age 19 to another 19 year old with issues as serious as mine, though different. I did a lot of therapy. We did couples counseling. I also had a higher sex drive than him and was unfaithful, which he knew and did not throw in my face. Sorry if my remarks bother you, but your assumptions are completely out of line. My marriage was neither easy nor a case of good fortune. So how about if you try to abide by HN guidelines and leave out the condescension, etc.
- zzalpha 9y agoCondescension? This article is all kinds of horrifying. ... "We are just going through the motions cuz we gotta. Kind of like plunging the toilet."? Maybe you should go read a book like "Lovers in marriage" before you go trying to write anymore marriage advice. Or, you know, you can make time for each other because this is the most important person in your life. Instead of making excuses. I could go on. I did not set the tone, here, and I stand by my comment.
- emodendroket 9y ago> What does that mean? "We are just going through the motions cuz we gotta. Kind of like plunging the toilet."? In a sense, perhaps. A lot of people get into a pattern where they're busy with other things and unable to have the kind of romantic setup they had before. But, on the other hand, people generally enjoy sex even if they have to do something unromantic like set a time on a calendar and just stick to it, and it has the effect of deepening their relationship.
- Mz 9y agoOr, you know, you can make time for each other because this is the most important person in your life. Instead of making excuses. Firsthand experience suggests to me that such an approach leads to better experience over time, not going through the motions.
- emodendroket 9y ago"Going through the motions" involves making time for each other.
- Mz 9y agoI don't think you and I are on the same page here. I was married for 22 years. Setting a date and keeping an appointment was not how we handled it. I had a friend who would call me to bitch about how her and her husband did it once a month, they were just too busy and did not have time, etc. My husband would walk in and start making snarky remarks while I was on the phone and I would shush him. When they were busy, this couple recorded their favorite shows during the week and watched them together on Saturday night. They did not lack the time. They just thought X Files was vastly more important than having a love life. That was not at all how my marriage worked. I quit being sympathetic. I made polite noises and tried to change the subject.
- emodendroket 9y agoOk. Well what do you propose a couple does if they find they're not having sex as much as they want? Just hope the problem will fix itself?