7 ms·

Should Your Spouse Be Your Best Friend?

64 points by SREinSF 9y ago

faitswulff 9y ago
A mostly uninteresting article in my opinion, but didn't agree with this: > Dr. Bader said that she wished popular magazines would challenge the notion that you shouldn’t get married to change someone. Most of the relationships I've seen where one partner has a goal of changing the other person have failed. I would bet that this would bear out in a well-designed study as well.
- KGIII 9y ago
  Yeah, it's much easier to find someone you can accept than it is to try to mold someone to your liking. In fact, I would submit that it says quite a bit about the person for attempting that level of control. I am not innocent. It's a lesson learned in time. And, yeah, a strange choice of article for HN. But, here we are.
  - 482794793792894 9y ago
    Well, you can just as well be best friends, even if you're wanting to mold each other. Both parties just have to be open-minded about it. You might even see it as positive to be challenged in your ways, as it helps you to move yourself forward. For example, if you're a couch potato, you might actively look for a sporty partner in hope of being motivated to do sports.
- zzalpha 9y ago
  I think the word "goal" is too strong, here, but it is a valid point. People change, and in a good marriage, the spouses should absolutely push each other to change in ways that are healthy and positive. It's simply ridiculous to assume that whomever you're marrying, right now, is the person they will be for the rest of their lives, or that you shouldn't try to influence those changes. In fact, that goes beyond just marriages... I would hope that, in all of my relationships, be it as friend, brother, husband, or son, I am a positive influence on my loved ones, and that those people are a positive influence on me.
Spooky23 9y ago
Answer: It depends. I have friends who really aren’t, but they seem to have a rewarding relationship anyway. Not my cup of tea, but other people’s marriages aren’t any of my business!
codycraven 9y ago
Of all the life long marriages I know (mine included at 11 years so far), all consider their spouse their best friend. I personally think my marriage could have been ruined many times over if I leaned on someone other than my wife during times of difficulty.
- icelancer 9y ago
  I am at 10, two kids, going strong and probably forever (who can say for sure, of course?) - and my wife and I have separate best friends. I really can't see why this has to be the case. There are things my wife should share with someone close that she can fully trust, and sometimes that can't be me. Same is true in the other direction.
  - deleted 9y ago
    [deleted]
  - zzalpha 9y ago
    Hey, if it works for you, it works for you. That said, I'm curious to hear what kinds of things you're referring to. Do you have some fictional examples? My wife and I each have our own best friends, but in my own marriage (14 years... since we all have to publish our credentials ;), if there's something I can't tell me wife, it's something I wouldn't tell anyone, best friends included. The only obvious exception is if it's something about the marriage itself, but in that case, I'd speak to a friend first only if I needed to work out my own thoughts and emotions before I then talked to my wife. So even in that case, it's more a matter of timing than keeping certain things from her entirely.
didibus 9y ago
I don't know about best, but a good friend at minimum. Hopefully not your only one though.
kbutler 9y ago
My wife was my best friend when we got married over twenty years ago, and that has only ripened and deepened since then. She is the person I want to share the joys and rough times with. When I see something beautiful, I want to share it with her. When I have a rough day, or week, I want to talk it over with her. We're raising our children together, planning for our retirement together, and enjoying the days and years as they come. And I hope the author didn't really mean the "with whom do you complain about your spouse" line. If people respected and worked with their spouses instead of complaining about them to other people, there'd be a lot fewer failed marriages.
- pcunite 9y ago
  That's great to hear. Ever read the books *The Five Love Languages" or even "His Needs, Her Needs". They were very helpful to me.
  - kbutler 9y ago
    Five love languages, yes, I'll have to take a look at his/her. Men are from mars, women are from Venus was helpful, and what wives wish men knew about women - learning that sometimes you just need to listen (always need to listen, sometimes that's all she needs me to do), and recognizing that it's ok to need space sometimes, etc.
    - pcunite 9y ago
      Yeah, I was always trying to "fix" it within a few minutes of hearing her statements. Allowing her to speak it out, develop images in her mind, listening, and then after all that, I don't offer the solution! It is a different way of "communication".
- m4x 9y ago
  The author actually didn't say "with whom do you complain about your spouse", they said "whom do you complain to your spouse about?", which means something totally different.
unit91 9y ago
> After all, if your spouse is your best friend, then whom do you complain to your spouse about? Absolutely no one. I've been married for 11 years. My wife isn't perfect of course, but she's still pretty fantastic. She is my best friend, for which I'm thankful. I don't and won't gossip about her. As a second- or third- hand observer, I can't count the number of times I've heard someone gripe about their spouse and felt sorry for them. Marriage, and relationships generally, are so much richer when you can either get over a minor injury without even mentioning it, or respectfully discuss a more serious one. I know it isn't "cool" to quote scripture around here but the Bible says "Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense." Amen.
- Sacho 9y ago
  > After all, if your spouse is your best friend, then whom do you complain to your spouse about? I agree with you, with just one small tweak: if your spouse is your best friend, you should complain to your spouse about her. That's in fact what separates a "real friend" from an acquaintance for me - the presumption that my friend really cares about me and is willing to modify their behavior to improve my happiness, within limits.
  - aesclepius 9y ago
    Wise words, thanks for this thread.
- emodendroket 9y ago
  I completely agree. Griping about every slight your wife makes against you is a good way to make yourself more resentful. Recounting the offense deepens the tracks in your mind the same way a carriage going over the same path several times would.
- coderdude 9y ago
  Absolutely. You and your wife should present a unified front. Solid advice. The wives are all complaining to each other, though. And then those women tell whoever they're dating or married to. So the only people who know about your personal problems are you, your wife, her friends, and the people her friends are with. And that's the best you can hope for while maintaining your own, perfect, unified front. Amen. Wait, I forgot about family!
Mz 9y ago
Over time, of course, this physical connection wanes. While many bemoan this loss of titillation, Dr. Levine celebrates it. “It’s smart,” he said. “If you’re going to be crazy about the other person all the time, how are you going to raise kids? How are you going to be able to work?” This article is all kinds of horrifying. The above paragraph plus the phrase "maintenance sex" = ick. What does that mean? "We are just going through the motions cuz we gotta. Kind of like plunging the toilet."? Maybe you should go read a book like "Lovers in marriage" before you go trying to write anymore marriage advice. My ex was my best friend. That in no way suggested it was platonic.
- megous 9y ago
  It just means that there's less sex than in the first few months, but if there's no physical intimacy after that initial time, it may signal trouble. In other words, I read it as descriptive, not prescriptive.
  - Mz 9y ago
    I had sex 2 to 3 times a week for 20 years with the same man. The most hot and heavy sex did not occur in the first few months. It occurred when I crossed the country to see him a few years into the marriage when our kids were still little. I don't feel I am misreading the article. I stand by my horror. Downvotes for saying it don't make me less appalled.
    - zzalpha 9y ago
      (edited for tone) In many perfectly healthy, normal marriages, there's a disparity (sometimes significant) in sexual interest/appetite between the spouses that has absolutely nothing to do with their love for each other and everything to do with basic biological, sociological, and psychological differences. In such a marriage, sexual intimacy actually requires focused effort to maintain. Not "work". That makes it sound transactional in nature. But effort. Like, you have to prioritize it. To suggest that marriages in which this is necessary are somehow broken is simply unfair. Every marriage is unique and beyond basic expectations of love and decency, it's unreasonable to use ones own experiences as the template by which to judge other people's relationships.
msravi 9y ago
The article doesn't touch upon it - but IMO, the gender of that "best friend" matters a lot. Most people would probably be just fine with their spouse having another best friend of the same gender, but definitely not of the opposite.
- dragonwriter 9y ago
  > Most people would probably be just fine with their spouse having another best friend of the same gender, but definitely not of the opposite. It seems to me that people to whom this makes a difference are both extremely insecure in their partner’s loyalty and extremely secure in their partner’s exclusive heterosexuality. Take away the former and the concern disappears, take away the latter and the concern remains without the gender disparity.
  - asdfgadsfgasfdg 9y ago
    It's not about the partner's loyalty. Loyalty has very little to do with emotions and works at a higher level. If someone spends a lot of quality time with an individual whilst their home life is stressful (kids etc) then they will almost inevitably develop an attraction to them (or to the idealized version that one has of someone one doesn't have to live with). Meanwhile at home feelings of being in-love have faded to loving and the day-to-day realities are there and obvious. Then it is game over and loyalty is fairly unlikely to prevent things happening. Better to spend quality time with your spouse and re-enforce the bond the two of you have for each other.
joshmn 9y ago
> After all, if your spouse is your best friend, then whom do you complain to your spouse about? Never complain or otherwise say anything bad about your spouse to anyone but a therapist. Never. Your therapist doesn't have to forgive your spouse. A therapist doesn't have to like your spouse. While you may forgive them, your friends/family won't be so quick to do so, if they do so at all.
avenoir 9y ago
I've never been married, but I don't quite know if it's even possible to be with someone for the long haul and not be close friends. It would be very much unpleasant otherwise. A business transaction of sorts. Having said that, from my personal experience, I think seeing your partner as your only best friend is something comparable to putting all of your eggs in one basket. Nothing lasts forever and as amazing as things look today they might not be all that great tomorrow and all of a sudden you're all you've got. Just for that reason alone I think it's healthy to maintain a close friendship with someone other than your partner.
makecheck 9y ago
I am perhaps irrationally annoyed by people calling spouses their “best friends”. We get it: you chose to marry the person so obviously you like this person “best”, therefore someone else should be your “best friend”. A friend is a different thing. You can behave differently with a best friend. You shouldn’t feel like you’re somehow undercutting your spouse just because someone else is your best friend.
projektir 9y ago
This is one of those areas where I would take every statement and even study with a pound of salt.
rayiner 9y ago
Viewing a spouse in terms of a friendship is not helpful in my opinion. Marriage is sui generis. It is, especially if you have kids, an economic and financial partnership. I think my wife is funny and I like spending time with her, but what really lets me sleep deeply at night is that she’s highly capable and professionally successful. I could die tomorrow and my daughter would be well provided for. It’s not something I appreciated when I was young and had fanciful ideas about western love marriage, but is definitely something I appreciate now that I’m old.
- emodendroket 9y ago
  Most marriages do not involve two equally-successful professionals, and at least in my case from a purely financial perspective marrying a foreign woman with no real contacts in the US besides me wasn't very advantageous (I should probably clarify that I met my wife abroad because it sounds like I'm talking about a mail-order bride). Nevertheless I think it was worth doing for the tremendously positive effect it's had on my happiness and well-being. I guess if I had kids I'd have to think about a life insurance policy (I occasionally think about doing that just for my wife).
- mto 9y ago
  Well, apart from the US in most western countries you have a strong social safety net so you don't have to marry because of financial worries. Actually it's sometimes shocking when you see some being better off unemployed while working people can't find an affordable place. But that's another story...
dlwdlw 9y ago
Here are some good points on this. About how expecting all your needs to be met by one person will lead to dysfunction and how we create organizations to fulfill these needs. The groups the make the most impact are those of sufficient size to fulfill all these needs. http://us1.campaign-archive.com/?u=78cbbb7f2882629a5157fa593&id=8641203570 http://us1.campaign-archive.com/?u=78cbbb7f2882629a5157fa593...
Lazare 9y ago
The article mostly throws up its metaphorical hands and concludes "maybe, language is hard", which is fair enough. But: > if your spouse is your best friend, then whom do you complain to your spouse about? Complaining about your spouse to your friends is a wonderful way to damage your relationship; the unthinking assumption that you should be venting about your spouse is harmful and should be challenged. > Dr. Bader said that she wished popular magazines would challenge the notion that you shouldn’t get married to change someone. “I think that’s what marriage is about,” she said. That sounds like horrifying bad advice if taken literally. I hope there was some context that was omitted from the article. People certainly can and do change, and obviously spouses should help encourage each other to change for the better. So sure, marriage is, in part, about change, inasmuch as marriage is a part of life, and life is about change. But to get married in order to change someone? As in "wow, I hate how extroverted this person I'm dating is, I know we'll get married so I can make them introverted"? That's the opposite of a good idea, and warning people off it is a staple of popular magazines, unpopular magazines, relationship counselling, and dating advice because it's a really dumb notion.
- zzalpha 9y ago
  Complaining about your spouse to your friends is a wonderful way to damage your relationship; the unthinking assumption that you should be venting about your spouse is harmful and should be challenged. Just on this point, I couldn't agree more. The problem with "venting" is that whomever is listening is almost certainly part of your personal echo chamber. And when dealing with a problem in one's marriage, the last thing people need are mirrors reflecting themselves. I can't tell you the number of times I've come out of a fight with my wife where, some time later, I realized I was a total ass and needed to apologize for my behaviour. If I'd "vented" to someone, odds are it would've just hardened my resolve.

64 points by SREinSF 9y ago

A mostly uninteresting article in my opinion, but didn't agree with this: > Dr. Bader said that she wished popular magazines would challenge the notion that you shouldn’t get married to change someone. Most of the relationships I've seen where one partner has a goal of changing the other person have failed. I would bet that this would bear out in a well-designed study as well.

KGIII 9y ago
Yeah, it's much easier to find someone you can accept than it is to try to mold someone to your liking. In fact, I would submit that it says quite a bit about the person for attempting that level of control. I am not innocent. It's a lesson learned in time. And, yeah, a strange choice of article for HN. But, here we are.
- 482794793792894 9y ago
  Well, you can just as well be best friends, even if you're wanting to mold each other. Both parties just have to be open-minded about it. You might even see it as positive to be challenged in your ways, as it helps you to move yourself forward. For example, if you're a couch potato, you might actively look for a sporty partner in hope of being motivated to do sports.
zzalpha 9y ago
I think the word "goal" is too strong, here, but it is a valid point. People change, and in a good marriage, the spouses should absolutely push each other to change in ways that are healthy and positive. It's simply ridiculous to assume that whomever you're marrying, right now, is the person they will be for the rest of their lives, or that you shouldn't try to influence those changes. In fact, that goes beyond just marriages... I would hope that, in all of my relationships, be it as friend, brother, husband, or son, I am a positive influence on my loved ones, and that those people are a positive influence on me.

Spooky23 9y ago

Answer: It depends. I have friends who really aren’t, but they seem to have a rewarding relationship anyway. Not my cup of tea, but other people’s marriages aren’t any of my business!

codycraven 9y ago

Of all the life long marriages I know (mine included at 11 years so far), all consider their spouse their best friend. I personally think my marriage could have been ruined many times over if I leaned on someone other than my wife during times of difficulty.

icelancer 9y ago
I am at 10, two kids, going strong and probably forever (who can say for sure, of course?) - and my wife and I have separate best friends. I really can't see why this has to be the case. There are things my wife should share with someone close that she can fully trust, and sometimes that can't be me. Same is true in the other direction.
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
- zzalpha 9y ago
  Hey, if it works for you, it works for you. That said, I'm curious to hear what kinds of things you're referring to. Do you have some fictional examples? My wife and I each have our own best friends, but in my own marriage (14 years... since we all have to publish our credentials ;), if there's something I can't tell me wife, it's something I wouldn't tell anyone, best friends included. The only obvious exception is if it's something about the marriage itself, but in that case, I'd speak to a friend first only if I needed to work out my own thoughts and emotions before I then talked to my wife. So even in that case, it's more a matter of timing than keeping certain things from her entirely.

didibus 9y ago

I don't know about best, but a good friend at minimum. Hopefully not your only one though.

kbutler 9y ago

My wife was my best friend when we got married over twenty years ago, and that has only ripened and deepened since then. She is the person I want to share the joys and rough times with. When I see something beautiful, I want to share it with her. When I have a rough day, or week, I want to talk it over with her. We're raising our children together, planning for our retirement together, and enjoying the days and years as they come. And I hope the author didn't really mean the "with whom do you complain about your spouse" line. If people respected and worked with their spouses instead of complaining about them to other people, there'd be a lot fewer failed marriages.

pcunite 9y ago
That's great to hear. Ever read the books *The Five Love Languages" or even "His Needs, Her Needs". They were very helpful to me.
- kbutler 9y ago
  Five love languages, yes, I'll have to take a look at his/her. Men are from mars, women are from Venus was helpful, and what wives wish men knew about women - learning that sometimes you just need to listen (always need to listen, sometimes that's all she needs me to do), and recognizing that it's ok to need space sometimes, etc.
  - pcunite 9y ago
    Yeah, I was always trying to "fix" it within a few minutes of hearing her statements. Allowing her to speak it out, develop images in her mind, listening, and then after all that, I don't offer the solution! It is a different way of "communication".
m4x 9y ago
The author actually didn't say "with whom do you complain about your spouse", they said "whom do you complain to your spouse about?", which means something totally different.

unit91 9y ago

> After all, if your spouse is your best friend, then whom do you complain to your spouse about? Absolutely no one. I've been married for 11 years. My wife isn't perfect of course, but she's still pretty fantastic. She is my best friend, for which I'm thankful. I don't and won't gossip about her. As a second- or third- hand observer, I can't count the number of times I've heard someone gripe about their spouse and felt sorry for them. Marriage, and relationships generally, are so much richer when you can either get over a minor injury without even mentioning it, or respectfully discuss a more serious one. I know it isn't "cool" to quote scripture around here but the Bible says "Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense." Amen.

Sacho 9y ago
> After all, if your spouse is your best friend, then whom do you complain to your spouse about? I agree with you, with just one small tweak: if your spouse is your best friend, you should complain to your spouse about her. That's in fact what separates a "real friend" from an acquaintance for me - the presumption that my friend really cares about me and is willing to modify their behavior to improve my happiness, within limits.
- aesclepius 9y ago
  Wise words, thanks for this thread.
emodendroket 9y ago
I completely agree. Griping about every slight your wife makes against you is a good way to make yourself more resentful. Recounting the offense deepens the tracks in your mind the same way a carriage going over the same path several times would.
coderdude 9y ago
Absolutely. You and your wife should present a unified front. Solid advice. The wives are all complaining to each other, though. And then those women tell whoever they're dating or married to. So the only people who know about your personal problems are you, your wife, her friends, and the people her friends are with. And that's the best you can hope for while maintaining your own, perfect, unified front. Amen. Wait, I forgot about family!

Mz 9y ago

Over time, of course, this physical connection wanes. While many bemoan this loss of titillation, Dr. Levine celebrates it. “It’s smart,” he said. “If you’re going to be crazy about the other person all the time, how are you going to raise kids? How are you going to be able to work?” This article is all kinds of horrifying. The above paragraph plus the phrase "maintenance sex" = ick. What does that mean? "We are just going through the motions cuz we gotta. Kind of like plunging the toilet."? Maybe you should go read a book like "Lovers in marriage" before you go trying to write anymore marriage advice. My ex was my best friend. That in no way suggested it was platonic.

megous 9y ago
It just means that there's less sex than in the first few months, but if there's no physical intimacy after that initial time, it may signal trouble. In other words, I read it as descriptive, not prescriptive.
- Mz 9y ago
  I had sex 2 to 3 times a week for 20 years with the same man. The most hot and heavy sex did not occur in the first few months. It occurred when I crossed the country to see him a few years into the marriage when our kids were still little. I don't feel I am misreading the article. I stand by my horror. Downvotes for saying it don't make me less appalled.
  - zzalpha 9y ago
    (edited for tone) In many perfectly healthy, normal marriages, there's a disparity (sometimes significant) in sexual interest/appetite between the spouses that has absolutely nothing to do with their love for each other and everything to do with basic biological, sociological, and psychological differences. In such a marriage, sexual intimacy actually requires focused effort to maintain. Not "work". That makes it sound transactional in nature. But effort. Like, you have to prioritize it. To suggest that marriages in which this is necessary are somehow broken is simply unfair. Every marriage is unique and beyond basic expectations of love and decency, it's unreasonable to use ones own experiences as the template by which to judge other people's relationships.

msravi 9y ago

The article doesn't touch upon it - but IMO, the gender of that "best friend" matters a lot. Most people would probably be just fine with their spouse having another best friend of the same gender, but definitely not of the opposite.

dragonwriter 9y ago
> Most people would probably be just fine with their spouse having another best friend of the same gender, but definitely not of the opposite. It seems to me that people to whom this makes a difference are both extremely insecure in their partner’s loyalty and extremely secure in their partner’s exclusive heterosexuality. Take away the former and the concern disappears, take away the latter and the concern remains without the gender disparity.
- asdfgadsfgasfdg 9y ago
  It's not about the partner's loyalty. Loyalty has very little to do with emotions and works at a higher level. If someone spends a lot of quality time with an individual whilst their home life is stressful (kids etc) then they will almost inevitably develop an attraction to them (or to the idealized version that one has of someone one doesn't have to live with). Meanwhile at home feelings of being in-love have faded to loving and the day-to-day realities are there and obvious. Then it is game over and loyalty is fairly unlikely to prevent things happening. Better to spend quality time with your spouse and re-enforce the bond the two of you have for each other.

joshmn 9y ago

> After all, if your spouse is your best friend, then whom do you complain to your spouse about? Never complain or otherwise say anything bad about your spouse to anyone but a therapist. Never. Your therapist doesn't have to forgive your spouse. A therapist doesn't have to like your spouse. While you may forgive them, your friends/family won't be so quick to do so, if they do so at all.

avenoir 9y ago

I've never been married, but I don't quite know if it's even possible to be with someone for the long haul and not be close friends. It would be very much unpleasant otherwise. A business transaction of sorts. Having said that, from my personal experience, I think seeing your partner as your only best friend is something comparable to putting all of your eggs in one basket. Nothing lasts forever and as amazing as things look today they might not be all that great tomorrow and all of a sudden you're all you've got. Just for that reason alone I think it's healthy to maintain a close friendship with someone other than your partner.

makecheck 9y ago

I am perhaps irrationally annoyed by people calling spouses their “best friends”. We get it: you chose to marry the person so obviously you like this person “best”, therefore someone else should be your “best friend”. A friend is a different thing. You can behave differently with a best friend. You shouldn’t feel like you’re somehow undercutting your spouse just because someone else is your best friend.

projektir 9y ago

This is one of those areas where I would take every statement and even study with a pound of salt.

rayiner 9y ago

Viewing a spouse in terms of a friendship is not helpful in my opinion. Marriage is sui generis. It is, especially if you have kids, an economic and financial partnership. I think my wife is funny and I like spending time with her, but what really lets me sleep deeply at night is that she’s highly capable and professionally successful. I could die tomorrow and my daughter would be well provided for. It’s not something I appreciated when I was young and had fanciful ideas about western love marriage, but is definitely something I appreciate now that I’m old.

emodendroket 9y ago
Most marriages do not involve two equally-successful professionals, and at least in my case from a purely financial perspective marrying a foreign woman with no real contacts in the US besides me wasn't very advantageous (I should probably clarify that I met my wife abroad because it sounds like I'm talking about a mail-order bride). Nevertheless I think it was worth doing for the tremendously positive effect it's had on my happiness and well-being. I guess if I had kids I'd have to think about a life insurance policy (I occasionally think about doing that just for my wife).
mto 9y ago
Well, apart from the US in most western countries you have a strong social safety net so you don't have to marry because of financial worries. Actually it's sometimes shocking when you see some being better off unemployed while working people can't find an affordable place. But that's another story...

dlwdlw 9y ago

Here are some good points on this. About how expecting all your needs to be met by one person will lead to dysfunction and how we create organizations to fulfill these needs. The groups the make the most impact are those of sufficient size to fulfill all these needs. http://us1.campaign-archive.com/?u=78cbbb7f2882629a5157fa593&id=8641203570 http://us1.campaign-archive.com/?u=78cbbb7f2882629a5157fa593...

Lazare 9y ago

The article mostly throws up its metaphorical hands and concludes "maybe, language is hard", which is fair enough. But: > if your spouse is your best friend, then whom do you complain to your spouse about? Complaining about your spouse to your friends is a wonderful way to damage your relationship; the unthinking assumption that you should be venting about your spouse is harmful and should be challenged. > Dr. Bader said that she wished popular magazines would challenge the notion that you shouldn’t get married to change someone. “I think that’s what marriage is about,” she said. That sounds like horrifying bad advice if taken literally. I hope there was some context that was omitted from the article. People certainly can and do change, and obviously spouses should help encourage each other to change for the better. So sure, marriage is, in part, about change, inasmuch as marriage is a part of life, and life is about change. But to get married in order to change someone? As in "wow, I hate how extroverted this person I'm dating is, I know we'll get married so I can make them introverted"? That's the opposite of a good idea, and warning people off it is a staple of popular magazines, unpopular magazines, relationship counselling, and dating advice because it's a really dumb notion.

zzalpha 9y ago
Complaining about your spouse to your friends is a wonderful way to damage your relationship; the unthinking assumption that you should be venting about your spouse is harmful and should be challenged. Just on this point, I couldn't agree more. The problem with "venting" is that whomever is listening is almost certainly part of your personal echo chamber. And when dealing with a problem in one's marriage, the last thing people need are mirrors reflecting themselves. I can't tell you the number of times I've come out of a fight with my wife where, some time later, I realized I was a total ass and needed to apologize for my behaviour. If I'd "vented" to someone, odds are it would've just hardened my resolve.