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Is there some factor you can share that allowed you still to enjoy your “freedom” even after having kids? I share that same fear.

jrowley 9y ago
One thing to consider is that the sooner you have kids, the longer you get to have them in your life.
- anyfoo 9y ago
  Given his question, that would sound like an argument to have kids later, rather than earlier, or what exactly do you mean?
  - dahart 9y ago
    Only if you don't like your kids. If you like them, having them around is a lot of fun. :) Side note that kids start spending time away from parents when they become teenagers. That's happening to me now, and I am slowly gaining extra free time. Half the time I still want to spend my free time with the kids. But I'd assume that the younger someone is post-kids, the more energy and options they have for starting new things with that free time. I'm just entering my forties and glad I'm not starting to have kids right now. It might have been a little nicer to start earlier just so we could have hit this point while we were younger.
    - anyfoo 9y ago
      Thanks, that’s reassuring. For some time, I rather settled on not wanting children, but my SO is convincing me otherwise. It’s always nice to read that I won’t have to completely give my life up, or at least not forever. :) I understand that that depends a lot on the situation, but I think we might be financially stable enough, and also potentially moving to a country that gives much more support to parents, that it might be the case for us.
nrs26 9y ago
I am curious about this (and share the same fear) as well.
ballenf 9y ago
For me it hasn't so much been that I can still travel, it's just that the source of life's deep joys has shifted. It's hard to describe. Kind of feels like telling an alcoholic that smoothies can taste just as good as a cocktail -- there's just no way to describe it until experienced. It's just indescribable to be able to share something new with your child. Taking them to a local park or into the city brings me more joy than traveling the world once did. The joys feel less fleeting. I still hope to get back to traveling, but I really don't feel like it's been a sacrifice as much as a trade where the thing I got was secretly worth well more than what it cost.
dahart 9y ago
It's a mix of factors, but part of it was examining what freedom means to me. It was never a specific set of goals I had or specific things I wanted to do, it was a general idea that I still want to be able to go out on Friday night, or go hiking on a whim Saturday, or lounge around at night and hack on my pet project or record some music or something. The answer came in many parts: - We bring the kids with us a lot. Some of the fear was mental friction about the difficulty of hauling kids around. Yeah, it takes a little more work, but as long as I do that work, I bring them along and can still go where I want. - We sometimes take turns parenting to allow each other some freedom. I can buy time to work on my hacking projects and music tomorrow by watching the kids today. For me, this didn't change that much from my relationship with my wife, where we would make similar choices to invest some time with each other. - We hire babysitters sometimes. (But movie night did go from a very cheap date before kids to a very expensive night after kids...) - I take more stock of how much time I waste. For example, watching TV/Netflix is fun, but I can choose to sacrifice that here and there and buy time to do other more meaningful things. - My motivations changed after having kids, and I have the freedom to spend time with them. Certain kinds of socializing became less important to me, which frees up some time. - We plan ahead more often. Not a bad thing, what freedom meant in some cases was the freedom to not plan, but if I plan ahead and commit to things, I can still do what I want.

jrowley 9y ago

One thing to consider is that the sooner you have kids, the longer you get to have them in your life.

anyfoo 9y ago
Given his question, that would sound like an argument to have kids later, rather than earlier, or what exactly do you mean?
- dahart 9y ago
  Only if you don't like your kids. If you like them, having them around is a lot of fun. :) Side note that kids start spending time away from parents when they become teenagers. That's happening to me now, and I am slowly gaining extra free time. Half the time I still want to spend my free time with the kids. But I'd assume that the younger someone is post-kids, the more energy and options they have for starting new things with that free time. I'm just entering my forties and glad I'm not starting to have kids right now. It might have been a little nicer to start earlier just so we could have hit this point while we were younger.
  - anyfoo 9y ago
    Thanks, that’s reassuring. For some time, I rather settled on not wanting children, but my SO is convincing me otherwise. It’s always nice to read that I won’t have to completely give my life up, or at least not forever. :) I understand that that depends a lot on the situation, but I think we might be financially stable enough, and also potentially moving to a country that gives much more support to parents, that it might be the case for us.

nrs26 9y ago

I am curious about this (and share the same fear) as well.

ballenf 9y ago

For me it hasn't so much been that I can still travel, it's just that the source of life's deep joys has shifted. It's hard to describe. Kind of feels like telling an alcoholic that smoothies can taste just as good as a cocktail -- there's just no way to describe it until experienced. It's just indescribable to be able to share something new with your child. Taking them to a local park or into the city brings me more joy than traveling the world once did. The joys feel less fleeting. I still hope to get back to traveling, but I really don't feel like it's been a sacrifice as much as a trade where the thing I got was secretly worth well more than what it cost.

dahart 9y ago

It's a mix of factors, but part of it was examining what freedom means to me. It was never a specific set of goals I had or specific things I wanted to do, it was a general idea that I still want to be able to go out on Friday night, or go hiking on a whim Saturday, or lounge around at night and hack on my pet project or record some music or something. The answer came in many parts: - We bring the kids with us a lot. Some of the fear was mental friction about the difficulty of hauling kids around. Yeah, it takes a little more work, but as long as I do that work, I bring them along and can still go where I want. - We sometimes take turns parenting to allow each other some freedom. I can buy time to work on my hacking projects and music tomorrow by watching the kids today. For me, this didn't change that much from my relationship with my wife, where we would make similar choices to invest some time with each other. - We hire babysitters sometimes. (But movie night did go from a very cheap date before kids to a very expensive night after kids...) - I take more stock of how much time I waste. For example, watching TV/Netflix is fun, but I can choose to sacrifice that here and there and buy time to do other more meaningful things. - My motivations changed after having kids, and I have the freedom to spend time with them. Certain kinds of socializing became less important to me, which frees up some time. - We plan ahead more often. Not a bad thing, what freedom meant in some cases was the freedom to not plan, but if I plan ahead and commit to things, I can still do what I want.