11 ms·

Is there an upside to having no social life?

196 points by hvo 9y ago

CharlesDodgson 9y ago
Kind of reminds me when I lived on my own for a while, I really started liking my own company and reading, watching stuff, staying up late and generally doing what I felt I liked best. It wasn't negative really I'd just go to the gym, bake a cake, watch a few documentaries, attempt to learn some code, it was overall a nice experience. Then I realised that I was liking my own company too much and people weren't all they were cracked up to be. I thought for my own mental health it was best to break this deadlock and start integrating myself more with friends.
- jvagner 9y ago
  Incomplete story? Not sure you make a strong case for "for my own mental health its best", cause it sounded like things were quite good. Personally, I'm a micro-social-er. I joke with my son (and now, girlfriend) that we have an empty restaurant habit. I see and interact with people in my (admittedly) pretty regimented lifestyle (gym 1 or gym 2, daily trips to grocery stores 'cause i cook most of my foods, etc), movies alone, etc. I find socializing to be kind of like carbs... they're free and plentiful in the world. You can usually find someone to do something sometime in the next two weeks. Where people seem to fall apart on this is when they get a sense, on a Thursday, that they NEED to socialize the next day and can't lock in a participant. But that seems like poor planning more than, "I've been abandoned".
  - TrueSelfDao 9y ago
    My worry is maintaining relationships. I'd happily be the guy who only socializes on Saturday, but I worry about the effects of not meeting with my group of friends as often as they meet with each other.
  - cellularmitosis 9y ago
    I've been around the block with this issue myself. I've always needed less social interaction than most people I know, but recently I've taken a turn towards even more time alone than usual (a medical condition has me both cooking at home very frequently and doing anything I can to avoid stress, and a few key friends have become busy with marriage and kids). More time alone has definitely reduced my stress load, but I've noticed it seems to amplify tendencies towards depression and anxiety. This touches on a topic I often struggle with -- the advice to push yourself out of your comfort zone. At least with social anxiety and social ineptitude, my results seem to indicate that pushing myself results in a huge spike in stress, with maybe a tiny uptick in social savvy, whereas isolation drastically reduces that stress, but with no headway on becoming less socially awkward. The tradeoff seems very lop-sided (if becoming a social butterfly requires swallowing that much stress, I'm not sure it is worth it). I'm starting to think the "push yourself" is a piece of advice which seems universally applicable at first glance, but upon closer inspection you find it doesn't always fit.
- DarkTree 9y ago
  Your experience seems related to my issue ever since I left college. I really enjoy my personal time and relish the idea of coming home on a Friday with no social plans or obligations, so that I can do my own thing, read, or program some personal projects. I highly value learning, and it is hard for me to be disciplined if I'm being social during the week. So sometimes I just keep to myself all week. I exercise after work, come home and make a nice dinner, program and read about the things I love, and I love doing this. My problem is that after doing this for extended periods of time, I actually start to get sad and feel like I'm constantly optimizing my life for nothing, because what's the point of life if you don't share it with others? So then I switch gears and try to be as social as possible, and start enjoying life as I meet new people and come home late at night after an epic outing with my friends, laying down in my bed feeling happy and satisfied with my decisions (a significant part of this feeling is being drunk for sure). And slowly but surely, the feeling comes creeping up: I've lost touch with who I am, everything I learned weeks ago was for nothing because now I'm forgetting it, and I'm wasting my time and hurting my future by being too social. I guess it's just hard for me to strike a balance. I think I like to go all in on things and so I feel like this chronic teeter-totter is going to be my life for a while.
  - sotojuan 9y ago
    You are overthinking it - a balance is not hard to achieve. Go out a few days a week, learn the rest. You are most likely to get invited to go out Friday and Saturday nights, so spend weekday nights or Sunday studying. No need to go all out in one or the other. > I've lost touch with who I am, everything I learned weeks ago was for nothing because now I'm forgetting it, and I'm wasting my time and hurting my future by being too social. In my experience, not only does the former happen even when I am full time learning (I "wasted" a lot of nights in college learning programming stuff I never used nor can remember), but it rarely hurts my career. I mean, career goals are personal and differ, but I doubt you are hurting your career by going out every now and then.
  - 0xCMP 9y ago
    This mirrors my own feelings about this. I often rely on my friends bothering me to hangout ("It's been two weeks!") as a signal it's been too long.
- on_and_off 9y ago
  Same experience here. And I am repeating the experience : I have just moved to another continent. I am not the most social person ever but once I will be settled in (there are a ton of formalities in order to get an SSN, open a bank account, rent a place, etc), I will make sure to subscribe to yoga, cooking classes or whatever else I find interesting in order to ease myself into this new place and try to meet new people. BTW advice on meeting new people in the US/Cali is welcome. I can function with very minimal social interactions, but on the long run I find it a very boring and unsatisfactory life. So I have been pushing myself more and more to go out and meet new people.
  - bdamm 9y ago
    Meetup.com is a pretty effective way to meet with people who also want to form social circles. As are sports meets, such as cycling groups. And maybe the best of all is volunteerism. Sign up to volunteer for something you think is worthwhile and you'll make new friends lightning fast.
    - on_and_off 9y ago
      Thanks for the advice, definitely appreciated !
  - jameshush 9y ago
    I was in the same boat as you (moved from Canada to LA by myself). You have the right idea with yoga and cooking classes. I highly recommend a social dance class too. I've been doing salsa dancing for about 6 months now and it's a great way to meet new friends, especially those of the opposite gender. It's also nice to surround yourself with non-engineers too. Since you dance with everyone in the class you end up talking to everyone, unlike yoga (which I also love doing) where people tend to just get up and leave. I was a hopeless dancer to start but after you go for about a month you get a hang of it. The only thing I regret was not joining sooner.
    - on_and_off 9y ago
      Thanks ! I am at the hopeless dancer step too, so it might be hard at first but it could be a fun (if embarassing) challenge !
- xirdstl 9y ago
  I've found that most of the time I'm good with my own company, but after about 3 days I need some substantive social interaction for best mental health. Exercise can sometimes be an effective substitute, though.
deleted 9y ago
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notanegation 9y ago
Depends on what you do while not enjoying a social life. Learning new skills can be considered as a big upside to me.
pmoriarty 9y ago
1 - You can just focus on your own interests, and you don't have to cater to the needs, wants, or whims of anyone else. 2 - You can do what you want, when you want. 3 - You don't have to worry about pleasing people, or not offending them. 4 - You don't have to attend any boring social functions. 5 - You'll save a ton of money on drinks, restaurants, and travel. 6 - You could learn a lot more, if that's what you choose to do with all your extra free time. There are downsides too, of course, but this thread is about the upsides.
- cimi_ 9y ago
  If the downsides are depression and misery, all the upsides are irrelevant. > I calculated that, on average, I was spending 22 hours or more each week on social activities. This is the premise the article builds upon, and IMO it's already a bit too much. I've done both: go out every night and don't go out for a noticeable enough period. Both are bad, both are draining. Even if going out means stepping outside your comfort zone, you should do it. > 5 - You'll save a ton of money on drinks, restaurants, and travel. Not all of these are equivalent in value and not all are that expensive. The expenses are usually negligible compared to other stuff mortgages, leases etc (depending on tastes, but usually holds for tech people).
  - pmoriarty 9y ago
    "If the downsides are depression and misery, all the upsides are irrelevant." Who said that just because you don't have a social life you must be miserable or depressed? There are plenty of people who are ok with or even enjoy being alone, and really don't like to socialize much if at all.
    - eradicatethots 9y ago
      >who said that being alone = depression As a loner, I will say that. http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2006-03906-014 http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2006-03906-014
      - 9y ago
Simulacra 9y ago
The only upside I found to not having a social life was cost.
nunez 9y ago
Depends on the kind of person you are. While I love getting along with people and making acquaintances, I am extremely introverted by nature. I just spent two weeks essentially by myself, and it was a GODSEND. Others that rely on friends probably would think otherwise.
owebmaster 9y ago
In the short term, it is good to "reframe" yourself, like a monk mode.
- WhoIsSatoshi 9y ago
  monk mode good mode - no need to be social, it will come as a reflection to how you are with yourself. Faking it for the sake of conformism is going to eat at your core.
  - owebmaster 9y ago
    For sure, but I also enjoy to live socially, especially climbing the social ladder.
Fezzik 9y ago
I can relate to the notion of 'deep work' benefiting from solitude. I think I am odd in that I love company and have lots of friends due to growing up where I live, but I spend very little time with them. This became a conscience choice in my late 20s and led me to develop a lot of skills (guitar, penmanship, running/swimming/biking, reading, mountaineering, etc...) which, oddly, make the time I spend with people richer (I think). As with most things, it seems like the best advice is to do what works for you. I have friends that go stir-crazy without some nightly social interaction, whereas I would rather delve in to personal endeavors on my own. I don't think either one is 'better' in any sort of existential way. That said, it is amazing how many people who socialize regularly are constantly complaining about how unfulfilling social functions are.
Chiba-City 9y ago
I prefer 1 alone or 3+ sized groups. I love pretty ladies but have little affection for infinitely needy paycheck spending helpers. I unite around non-fiction books, methods, live instrumental music, handmade food, tool mastery, architecture and preferably project execution or refined informed dialog. I love talking to almost anyone working. But I never enjoyed the "with beer goggles everyone is funny and shares the favorite song and snack food identities." I don't watch TV so vast swaths of everyday banter creeps me out like a laugh track. I have a hubristic desire to start well ordered and fed city monasteries free of TV, cars, booze and packaged food. Anyone can "have sex" or "watch the game" somewhere down the block out of the house. Cities are nice that way. A simple short weekly group reading and writing exercise keeps the illiterate criminals away. City costs of living are very low without cars, love nests and beach vacations. Overwhelming schedules of high culture is almost free in big cities. My nuttier idea is to fund it with both OSS and massage therapy contract work. We run a perpetual school and Kanban board for the hipster nerd monks. I lived at a commune at Harvard. It was really lovely reading the WSJ, baking bread and playing bridge illuminated by stained glass windows. Sickness, aging and death take some assistance. The good life is not that hard. Samsara of householder life is hard.
- jsmthrowaway 9y ago
  > I love pretty ladies but have little affection for infinitely needy paycheck spending helpers. > A simple short weekly group reading and writing exercise keeps the illiterate criminals away. I can’t even fathom the lack of self-awareness or empathy for other people in someone who would type such things with a straight face. You’re trolling, right?
  - piaste 9y ago
    Do read his comment history for some quality entertainment.
    - KGIII 9y ago
      It's a unique writing style but I'm not sure they were insinuating that all females are interested in spending his money, only that he had no interest in those who were. It is topical, if a bit abrasive.
usaphp 9y ago
For some reason some people here seem to equate having social life with going on night long parties, for me social life is riding a bike at 6 am with my best friends and stopping for a cup of coffee along the ride and have a good conversation, playing soccer on weekends with a bunch of people. You don’t need to go dancing and drinking at 1 am at a night club to have social life.
- gcbw2 9y ago
  dancing till 3am and biking at 6am are two sides of the same coin. Both will "kill" a good chunk of your "free time".
bykovich2 9y ago
> Doing nothing can be as equally energising as time out spent with people, and is in fact necessary in order to recharge, says Pedro Diaz, CEO of the Workplace Mental Health Institute in Sydney. Hmm, who's this guy? > Driven by an obsession for better outcomes in workplace mental health, Pedro Diaz founded The Workplace Mental Health Institute as a boutique educational resource for managers serious about creating immediate and sustainable changes for their organisation’s mental health. What's a "boutique educational resource"? That's a phrase I've never in my days encountered. This article is stating nothing but the obvious: that living by a calendar maniacally filled to bursting is not the road to happiness. > "We find that people who are dual-centric tend to be healthier, do better at work and do better at home," says Galinsky [co-founder of the Families and Work Institute]. "Dual-centric" apparently means "not monomaniacal."
nilkn 9y ago
During one of the happier periods of my life, I lived by myself in a small but very nice apartment. I had a girlfriend, but we didn't live together. We'd hang out on the weekends a lot and maybe one weeknight out of the work week. I really found this to be an excellent balance. I had a space that I was proud of and had complete control over, eliminating entire categories of possible conflicts in life. I had plenty of time for my own pursuits. I was in a very meaningful relationship. I went into the weekends excited to see people, and I went into the workweek feeling socially fulfilled and ready to be productive. This is a very difficult balance to maintain. Indeed, it's almost impossible. Most relationships either end or progress to the point of living together. In fact, most folks would say there's something "wrong" with a relationship if the couple has been together for years but chooses not to live together.
- PoachedSausage 9y ago
  I have lived with my girlfriend for around 5 years, but recently took a job in a different city. I have been living away during the week and it has been very much as you describe. I'm not sure she sees it that way though.
  - scoggs 9y ago
    That's tough and tricky because you could be honest about it (the healthy way of doing things) but you probably haven't been up front about how liberating it all feels because sometimes the truth can hurt. I feel for you. Maybe go over it a few dozen times in your own head until you come up with a bulletproof way to bring it up without demonstrating that you two being apart is your goal.
    - StephenConnell 9y ago
      I don't think he was asking for advice. Ha. To your points, being honest is important, being sensitive and not rubbing something hurtful in is also important. Some times you can share your excitement, sometimes you need to share your feelings without your excitement. I've been married for 14 years.
- 9y ago
ryanmarsh 9y ago
One thing to take into account is the quality of ones potential associates. I could share an apartment with my best friend (we deployed together so we’ve lived in close proximity) and be happy but if I had to suffer just one evening a week with people who weren’t great friends I think I’d be a lot less happy.
jarjoura 9y ago
I attribute my feelings from growing up as an only child, but I absolutely love doing things by myself. I prefer traveling by myself, doing hobbies by myself, going to the theater by myself. All of those things may seem lonely to others, but honestly, it works for me.
maxxxxx 9y ago
Since moving to CA I am having trouble building up a social circle. I am fine doing things alone and often enjoy it but what I miss is new things you can do and learn through friends. Things I wouldn't have the opportunity by myself. Like when someone has a sailing boat and takes you for a trip, or you can go with someone to a concert backstage or drive an expensive car. I definitely miss that.
- Boothroid 9y ago
  I hate to say it, but this is painfully lacking in self awareness.
  - hueving 9y ago
    Only if OP never shared anything back with these friends. One of the joys of friendship is sharing special experiences with them that they might not do on their own.
  - maxxxxx 9y ago
    " I hate to say it, but this is painfully lacking in self awareness. " Can you explain this comment?
    - Boothroid 9y ago
      I've never been on a friend's sailboat, I've never been backstage at a concert through a mate. If missing that is the worst you have to deal with, good luck to you sir.
      - maxxxxx 9y ago
        What does this have to do with a lack of self-awareness?
        Boothroid 9y ago
        To lament the loss of these things that most people never have the chance to experience might be interpreted as flaunting. Or perhaps I'm just bitter, don't take it to heart.
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brailsafe 9y ago
I'm seeing a lot of one-to-one connections being made between social activities and social obligations. Weddings can be torture and less of a choice. Parties can be fun or torture and are optional. Nobody's ever said "Man I'm so happy at this point in my life. I've been to 6 weddings this month!". On the other hand, my summer has been one of the best in recent memory due in no small part to the people I've spent it with in varying capacities. Solitude is super important sometimes, but so is human interaction with different people. Not for everyone of course. I think it helps to modulate your social investments. Maybe you don't want to go to parties, weddings, socials, birthdays, whatever. Fine. Fuck them. Empower yourself to say fuck them. If all you're doing socially is keeping up appearances, then you'll be miserable. Try taking one person that you value out for coffee once a week. Not the same person every week at the same time. Vary it. Well... that's my pocket of change.
rglover 9y ago
This is how I've been living my life for years now. It's not all sunshine and rainbows (we can't live without other humans), but I've found myself far happier and exceedingly productive.
- eradicatethots 9y ago
  Is productivity that good? I’m that way too but I hate myself for it
  - rglover 9y ago
    Ask why you hate yourself for it. I went through a similar patch and realized it's because the world around me lives a dissimilar/opposite lifestyle. The thing that unhinged me was this quote: > “However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.” - Winston Churchill (supposedly, seems to be misattributed). When I read this, I started to look at folks differently. I started to ask "do I want what they have? Are they where I want to be?" If not, try the opposite direction. Enough people have the other side covered; be an explorer and see what the other life is like. Sure, I could be "wrong," but life is subjective—live it how you want. No need to be guilty.
    - deleted 9y ago
      [deleted]
shados 9y ago
I once sat down and listed everything I wanted to do that don't really require other people. Not like "watch this TV show", but REALLY want to do. Learning some topics, traveling to certain places, some software projects, etc. My list is very, very, VERY long (and includes some long term things), and I'd have to live a few hundred years to do it all. That's if I had no social life whatsoever. I took several sabbaticals (including a 2 years one), long vacations, etc. I can't even dent the list. Ive been married for years and I'm very happy, mainly my wife is absolutely awesome, but even before meeting her I did just fine for almost a decade alone (I lived alone and didn't really go out to social events. By choice. Because of that long list. Too much I want to do!). Now we have a lot of mutual friends, go out, lots of events, etc. But when I'm thinking of vacations, all I want to do is stay home with headphones on for 2 weeks without anyone talking to me. I could easily do it for years: I have before. If something was to happen and I ended up single, I'd probably just do that until I'm too old to take care of myself.
codingdave 9y ago
Like most things in life, moderation is probably the wisest path... I have had a very limited social life for the past 5 years. Working from home, putting most of my energy into my work and family. The work was a success... the company grew and got sold. The family did just OK. Personally, I have no friends left because I stopped seeing them. I stopped going to kung fu classes. I just stopped doing things, like the article said. And 5 years later, I find myself realizing that yes, there were upsides to being at home and working... but I do not think I am a better person for it. I actually think I'm kinda boring and quite stagnant, and it is a bit of a letdown to have to come to terms with that. So a few weeks or a month of that sounds fine. But again... moderation in all things. (Don't be like me.)
bitL 9y ago
I do a compromise - when I work I am isolated, 100% focused, then I throw a big party with a lot of diverse people (artists, technologists, regular folks) and get my socialization fun as well. I love cooperating with other super capable people (that is very rare due to societal push for stupid competition) but can do world-class stuff on my own as well when no other option is available.
- KGIII 9y ago
  Do you have an example of 'world-class stuff?' I am just trying to understand.
  - bitL 9y ago
    Unique algorithms not produced by anyone before or products that are first of their kind world-wide and in demand. Won't be more specific as I don't want to get doxxed for some of my future posts.
    - KGIII 9y ago
      Ah, neat. I wasn't sure if you meant world class as something of your creation or something which you'd enjoyed.
      - bitL 9y ago
        World-class in enjoyed as well ;-) But that's secondary to creativity. You'll get quickly tired if you spend too much time in paradise anyway...
throw912323 9y ago
I don't know; there is definitely a basal need for a community, but these days, it just seems so artificial.
chewz 9y ago
Welcome to adulthood. This is how it looks like for many grown up people for whom social duties are a chore and who prefer career, time alone and early sleep.
jcun4128 9y ago
I live with a roommate. We're friends. He's like the only "social life" I have and it's not much. Just work at restaurant, work at home (web). Often I'm fueled by the drive of escaping poverty. Sometimes though I actually feel bored. I just stop and lose momentum. Binge eat, pass out, feel bad at lack of progress. Like what is my life for? What do I enjoy? I dream of working/living in a city but I'm also afraid of crowds/new people haha. I don't know I want to be exposed to nature more like seeing grass, feeling heat, blue sky... I just spend most of my time in a box staring at screens. There is always something on, music, some show/movie. I used to live in a fraternity house and was not really the cool guy I don't know throughout school I just wanted to be cool/fit in. I don't know I wasted a lot of time/money made a hole for myself. After I crashed my car a few years back (nothing major just broke a tie rod), I didn't fix it. I became unemployed and I enjoyed the freedom of sleeping/waking whenever. This was also when I tainted myself financially and now (future) I realize my mistake. I then committed myself to learning webdev. This thought of building high traffic websites and getting rich entered my mind (did not happen). I guess I couldn't commit to school. Man time flies. So yeah that's what I pursue, freedom.
- jcun4128 9y ago
  Probably a negative thought but the one thing I notice in conversations is it immediately turns to "me" and it's prevalent in many places particularly YouTube comments. Give me attention sort of thing. (I'm guilty of this too) but you're talking to someone and they immediately turn it to about themselves/compare/bigger-better than your thing. Of course the YouTube comments section isn't a great source of examples in civil society. Maybe this is what conversing is, relating one's experience to others to show comprehension/care. I just did it here with my initial response haha.
  - catalunia 9y ago
    Everything all humans have ever said and done were merely disguised ways of sneaking in "me" in the conversation.
  - pertymcpert 9y ago
    Don't worry about it. If you're not already, keep fit and healthy as much as you can. Not to get rich or attract women etc, but for yourself. For your career, the end goal might seem far away, but each step forward is progress.
cerealbad 9y ago
in a free society some people will choose to disassociate themselves from it.
hacker_9 9y ago
Well this thread is depressing, if you're not wanting to interact with other people for fun then what is the point exactly? No one ever says they wished they did more work on their deathbed.
- majewsky 9y ago
  Life is more than just work and social interaction. From the article: > I was able to build in more concentrated pockets of work where I otherwise wouldn’t, but I also gravitated to activities that were previously neglected – the gym, practising the piano, and meditation. This resonates with me. If I were to die tomorrow, my biggest regret would probably be focussing too much on work and social interaction at the expense of other pursuits.
misterHN 9y ago
You can't really not have a social life. You're a social network with bells and whistles.
callesgg 9y ago
>I was spending 22 hours or more each week on social activities. I often get envious of people having that much social time. But the fact is that I would not be able to cope with it. Talking to people and having good interesting conversations is extremely energy intensive.
Dowwie 9y ago
Sure, marriage and family

196 points by hvo 9y ago

Kind of reminds me when I lived on my own for a while, I really started liking my own company and reading, watching stuff, staying up late and generally doing what I felt I liked best. It wasn't negative really I'd just go to the gym, bake a cake, watch a few documentaries, attempt to learn some code, it was overall a nice experience. Then I realised that I was liking my own company too much and people weren't all they were cracked up to be. I thought for my own mental health it was best to break this deadlock and start integrating myself more with friends.

jvagner 9y ago
Incomplete story? Not sure you make a strong case for "for my own mental health its best", cause it sounded like things were quite good. Personally, I'm a micro-social-er. I joke with my son (and now, girlfriend) that we have an empty restaurant habit. I see and interact with people in my (admittedly) pretty regimented lifestyle (gym 1 or gym 2, daily trips to grocery stores 'cause i cook most of my foods, etc), movies alone, etc. I find socializing to be kind of like carbs... they're free and plentiful in the world. You can usually find someone to do something sometime in the next two weeks. Where people seem to fall apart on this is when they get a sense, on a Thursday, that they NEED to socialize the next day and can't lock in a participant. But that seems like poor planning more than, "I've been abandoned".
- TrueSelfDao 9y ago
  My worry is maintaining relationships. I'd happily be the guy who only socializes on Saturday, but I worry about the effects of not meeting with my group of friends as often as they meet with each other.
- cellularmitosis 9y ago
  I've been around the block with this issue myself. I've always needed less social interaction than most people I know, but recently I've taken a turn towards even more time alone than usual (a medical condition has me both cooking at home very frequently and doing anything I can to avoid stress, and a few key friends have become busy with marriage and kids). More time alone has definitely reduced my stress load, but I've noticed it seems to amplify tendencies towards depression and anxiety. This touches on a topic I often struggle with -- the advice to push yourself out of your comfort zone. At least with social anxiety and social ineptitude, my results seem to indicate that pushing myself results in a huge spike in stress, with maybe a tiny uptick in social savvy, whereas isolation drastically reduces that stress, but with no headway on becoming less socially awkward. The tradeoff seems very lop-sided (if becoming a social butterfly requires swallowing that much stress, I'm not sure it is worth it). I'm starting to think the "push yourself" is a piece of advice which seems universally applicable at first glance, but upon closer inspection you find it doesn't always fit.
DarkTree 9y ago
Your experience seems related to my issue ever since I left college. I really enjoy my personal time and relish the idea of coming home on a Friday with no social plans or obligations, so that I can do my own thing, read, or program some personal projects. I highly value learning, and it is hard for me to be disciplined if I'm being social during the week. So sometimes I just keep to myself all week. I exercise after work, come home and make a nice dinner, program and read about the things I love, and I love doing this. My problem is that after doing this for extended periods of time, I actually start to get sad and feel like I'm constantly optimizing my life for nothing, because what's the point of life if you don't share it with others? So then I switch gears and try to be as social as possible, and start enjoying life as I meet new people and come home late at night after an epic outing with my friends, laying down in my bed feeling happy and satisfied with my decisions (a significant part of this feeling is being drunk for sure). And slowly but surely, the feeling comes creeping up: I've lost touch with who I am, everything I learned weeks ago was for nothing because now I'm forgetting it, and I'm wasting my time and hurting my future by being too social. I guess it's just hard for me to strike a balance. I think I like to go all in on things and so I feel like this chronic teeter-totter is going to be my life for a while.
- sotojuan 9y ago
  You are overthinking it - a balance is not hard to achieve. Go out a few days a week, learn the rest. You are most likely to get invited to go out Friday and Saturday nights, so spend weekday nights or Sunday studying. No need to go all out in one or the other. > I've lost touch with who I am, everything I learned weeks ago was for nothing because now I'm forgetting it, and I'm wasting my time and hurting my future by being too social. In my experience, not only does the former happen even when I am full time learning (I "wasted" a lot of nights in college learning programming stuff I never used nor can remember), but it rarely hurts my career. I mean, career goals are personal and differ, but I doubt you are hurting your career by going out every now and then.
- 0xCMP 9y ago
  This mirrors my own feelings about this. I often rely on my friends bothering me to hangout ("It's been two weeks!") as a signal it's been too long.
on_and_off 9y ago
Same experience here. And I am repeating the experience : I have just moved to another continent. I am not the most social person ever but once I will be settled in (there are a ton of formalities in order to get an SSN, open a bank account, rent a place, etc), I will make sure to subscribe to yoga, cooking classes or whatever else I find interesting in order to ease myself into this new place and try to meet new people. BTW advice on meeting new people in the US/Cali is welcome. I can function with very minimal social interactions, but on the long run I find it a very boring and unsatisfactory life. So I have been pushing myself more and more to go out and meet new people.
- bdamm 9y ago
  Meetup.com is a pretty effective way to meet with people who also want to form social circles. As are sports meets, such as cycling groups. And maybe the best of all is volunteerism. Sign up to volunteer for something you think is worthwhile and you'll make new friends lightning fast.
  - on_and_off 9y ago
    Thanks for the advice, definitely appreciated !
- jameshush 9y ago
  I was in the same boat as you (moved from Canada to LA by myself). You have the right idea with yoga and cooking classes. I highly recommend a social dance class too. I've been doing salsa dancing for about 6 months now and it's a great way to meet new friends, especially those of the opposite gender. It's also nice to surround yourself with non-engineers too. Since you dance with everyone in the class you end up talking to everyone, unlike yoga (which I also love doing) where people tend to just get up and leave. I was a hopeless dancer to start but after you go for about a month you get a hang of it. The only thing I regret was not joining sooner.
  - on_and_off 9y ago
    Thanks ! I am at the hopeless dancer step too, so it might be hard at first but it could be a fun (if embarassing) challenge !
xirdstl 9y ago
I've found that most of the time I'm good with my own company, but after about 3 days I need some substantive social interaction for best mental health. Exercise can sometimes be an effective substitute, though.

deleted 9y ago

[deleted]

notanegation 9y ago

Depends on what you do while not enjoying a social life. Learning new skills can be considered as a big upside to me.

pmoriarty 9y ago

1 - You can just focus on your own interests, and you don't have to cater to the needs, wants, or whims of anyone else. 2 - You can do what you want, when you want. 3 - You don't have to worry about pleasing people, or not offending them. 4 - You don't have to attend any boring social functions. 5 - You'll save a ton of money on drinks, restaurants, and travel. 6 - You could learn a lot more, if that's what you choose to do with all your extra free time. There are downsides too, of course, but this thread is about the upsides.

cimi_ 9y ago
If the downsides are depression and misery, all the upsides are irrelevant. > I calculated that, on average, I was spending 22 hours or more each week on social activities. This is the premise the article builds upon, and IMO it's already a bit too much. I've done both: go out every night and don't go out for a noticeable enough period. Both are bad, both are draining. Even if going out means stepping outside your comfort zone, you should do it. > 5 - You'll save a ton of money on drinks, restaurants, and travel. Not all of these are equivalent in value and not all are that expensive. The expenses are usually negligible compared to other stuff mortgages, leases etc (depending on tastes, but usually holds for tech people).
- pmoriarty 9y ago
  "If the downsides are depression and misery, all the upsides are irrelevant." Who said that just because you don't have a social life you must be miserable or depressed? There are plenty of people who are ok with or even enjoy being alone, and really don't like to socialize much if at all.
  - eradicatethots 9y ago
    >who said that being alone = depression As a loner, I will say that. http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2006-03906-014 http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2006-03906-014
    - 9y ago

Simulacra 9y ago

The only upside I found to not having a social life was cost.

nunez 9y ago

Depends on the kind of person you are. While I love getting along with people and making acquaintances, I am extremely introverted by nature. I just spent two weeks essentially by myself, and it was a GODSEND. Others that rely on friends probably would think otherwise.

owebmaster 9y ago

In the short term, it is good to "reframe" yourself, like a monk mode.

WhoIsSatoshi 9y ago
monk mode good mode - no need to be social, it will come as a reflection to how you are with yourself. Faking it for the sake of conformism is going to eat at your core.
- owebmaster 9y ago
  For sure, but I also enjoy to live socially, especially climbing the social ladder.

Fezzik 9y ago

I can relate to the notion of 'deep work' benefiting from solitude. I think I am odd in that I love company and have lots of friends due to growing up where I live, but I spend very little time with them. This became a conscience choice in my late 20s and led me to develop a lot of skills (guitar, penmanship, running/swimming/biking, reading, mountaineering, etc...) which, oddly, make the time I spend with people richer (I think). As with most things, it seems like the best advice is to do what works for you. I have friends that go stir-crazy without some nightly social interaction, whereas I would rather delve in to personal endeavors on my own. I don't think either one is 'better' in any sort of existential way. That said, it is amazing how many people who socialize regularly are constantly complaining about how unfulfilling social functions are.

Chiba-City 9y ago

I prefer 1 alone or 3+ sized groups. I love pretty ladies but have little affection for infinitely needy paycheck spending helpers. I unite around non-fiction books, methods, live instrumental music, handmade food, tool mastery, architecture and preferably project execution or refined informed dialog. I love talking to almost anyone working. But I never enjoyed the "with beer goggles everyone is funny and shares the favorite song and snack food identities." I don't watch TV so vast swaths of everyday banter creeps me out like a laugh track. I have a hubristic desire to start well ordered and fed city monasteries free of TV, cars, booze and packaged food. Anyone can "have sex" or "watch the game" somewhere down the block out of the house. Cities are nice that way. A simple short weekly group reading and writing exercise keeps the illiterate criminals away. City costs of living are very low without cars, love nests and beach vacations. Overwhelming schedules of high culture is almost free in big cities. My nuttier idea is to fund it with both OSS and massage therapy contract work. We run a perpetual school and Kanban board for the hipster nerd monks. I lived at a commune at Harvard. It was really lovely reading the WSJ, baking bread and playing bridge illuminated by stained glass windows. Sickness, aging and death take some assistance. The good life is not that hard. Samsara of householder life is hard.

jsmthrowaway 9y ago
> I love pretty ladies but have little affection for infinitely needy paycheck spending helpers. > A simple short weekly group reading and writing exercise keeps the illiterate criminals away. I can’t even fathom the lack of self-awareness or empathy for other people in someone who would type such things with a straight face. You’re trolling, right?
- piaste 9y ago
  Do read his comment history for some quality entertainment.
  - KGIII 9y ago
    It's a unique writing style but I'm not sure they were insinuating that all females are interested in spending his money, only that he had no interest in those who were. It is topical, if a bit abrasive.

usaphp 9y ago

For some reason some people here seem to equate having social life with going on night long parties, for me social life is riding a bike at 6 am with my best friends and stopping for a cup of coffee along the ride and have a good conversation, playing soccer on weekends with a bunch of people. You don’t need to go dancing and drinking at 1 am at a night club to have social life.

gcbw2 9y ago
dancing till 3am and biking at 6am are two sides of the same coin. Both will "kill" a good chunk of your "free time".

bykovich2 9y ago

> Doing nothing can be as equally energising as time out spent with people, and is in fact necessary in order to recharge, says Pedro Diaz, CEO of the Workplace Mental Health Institute in Sydney. Hmm, who's this guy? > Driven by an obsession for better outcomes in workplace mental health, Pedro Diaz founded The Workplace Mental Health Institute as a boutique educational resource for managers serious about creating immediate and sustainable changes for their organisation’s mental health. What's a "boutique educational resource"? That's a phrase I've never in my days encountered. This article is stating nothing but the obvious: that living by a calendar maniacally filled to bursting is not the road to happiness. > "We find that people who are dual-centric tend to be healthier, do better at work and do better at home," says Galinsky [co-founder of the Families and Work Institute]. "Dual-centric" apparently means "not monomaniacal."

nilkn 9y ago

During one of the happier periods of my life, I lived by myself in a small but very nice apartment. I had a girlfriend, but we didn't live together. We'd hang out on the weekends a lot and maybe one weeknight out of the work week. I really found this to be an excellent balance. I had a space that I was proud of and had complete control over, eliminating entire categories of possible conflicts in life. I had plenty of time for my own pursuits. I was in a very meaningful relationship. I went into the weekends excited to see people, and I went into the workweek feeling socially fulfilled and ready to be productive. This is a very difficult balance to maintain. Indeed, it's almost impossible. Most relationships either end or progress to the point of living together. In fact, most folks would say there's something "wrong" with a relationship if the couple has been together for years but chooses not to live together.

PoachedSausage 9y ago
I have lived with my girlfriend for around 5 years, but recently took a job in a different city. I have been living away during the week and it has been very much as you describe. I'm not sure she sees it that way though.
- scoggs 9y ago
  That's tough and tricky because you could be honest about it (the healthy way of doing things) but you probably haven't been up front about how liberating it all feels because sometimes the truth can hurt. I feel for you. Maybe go over it a few dozen times in your own head until you come up with a bulletproof way to bring it up without demonstrating that you two being apart is your goal.
  - StephenConnell 9y ago
    I don't think he was asking for advice. Ha. To your points, being honest is important, being sensitive and not rubbing something hurtful in is also important. Some times you can share your excitement, sometimes you need to share your feelings without your excitement. I've been married for 14 years.
9y ago

ryanmarsh 9y ago

One thing to take into account is the quality of ones potential associates. I could share an apartment with my best friend (we deployed together so we’ve lived in close proximity) and be happy but if I had to suffer just one evening a week with people who weren’t great friends I think I’d be a lot less happy.

jarjoura 9y ago

I attribute my feelings from growing up as an only child, but I absolutely love doing things by myself. I prefer traveling by myself, doing hobbies by myself, going to the theater by myself. All of those things may seem lonely to others, but honestly, it works for me.

maxxxxx 9y ago

Since moving to CA I am having trouble building up a social circle. I am fine doing things alone and often enjoy it but what I miss is new things you can do and learn through friends. Things I wouldn't have the opportunity by myself. Like when someone has a sailing boat and takes you for a trip, or you can go with someone to a concert backstage or drive an expensive car. I definitely miss that.

Boothroid 9y ago
I hate to say it, but this is painfully lacking in self awareness.
- hueving 9y ago
  Only if OP never shared anything back with these friends. One of the joys of friendship is sharing special experiences with them that they might not do on their own.
- maxxxxx 9y ago
  " I hate to say it, but this is painfully lacking in self awareness. " Can you explain this comment?
  - Boothroid 9y ago
    I've never been on a friend's sailboat, I've never been backstage at a concert through a mate. If missing that is the worst you have to deal with, good luck to you sir.
    - maxxxxx 9y ago
      What does this have to do with a lack of self-awareness?
      - Boothroid 9y ago
        To lament the loss of these things that most people never have the chance to experience might be interpreted as flaunting. Or perhaps I'm just bitter, don't take it to heart.

deleted 9y ago

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brailsafe 9y ago

I'm seeing a lot of one-to-one connections being made between social activities and social obligations. Weddings can be torture and less of a choice. Parties can be fun or torture and are optional. Nobody's ever said "Man I'm so happy at this point in my life. I've been to 6 weddings this month!". On the other hand, my summer has been one of the best in recent memory due in no small part to the people I've spent it with in varying capacities. Solitude is super important sometimes, but so is human interaction with different people. Not for everyone of course. I think it helps to modulate your social investments. Maybe you don't want to go to parties, weddings, socials, birthdays, whatever. Fine. Fuck them. Empower yourself to say fuck them. If all you're doing socially is keeping up appearances, then you'll be miserable. Try taking one person that you value out for coffee once a week. Not the same person every week at the same time. Vary it. Well... that's my pocket of change.

rglover 9y ago

This is how I've been living my life for years now. It's not all sunshine and rainbows (we can't live without other humans), but I've found myself far happier and exceedingly productive.

eradicatethots 9y ago
Is productivity that good? I’m that way too but I hate myself for it
- rglover 9y ago
  Ask why you hate yourself for it. I went through a similar patch and realized it's because the world around me lives a dissimilar/opposite lifestyle. The thing that unhinged me was this quote: > “However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.” - Winston Churchill (supposedly, seems to be misattributed). When I read this, I started to look at folks differently. I started to ask "do I want what they have? Are they where I want to be?" If not, try the opposite direction. Enough people have the other side covered; be an explorer and see what the other life is like. Sure, I could be "wrong," but life is subjective—live it how you want. No need to be guilty.
  - deleted 9y ago
    [deleted]

shados 9y ago

I once sat down and listed everything I wanted to do that don't really require other people. Not like "watch this TV show", but REALLY want to do. Learning some topics, traveling to certain places, some software projects, etc. My list is very, very, VERY long (and includes some long term things), and I'd have to live a few hundred years to do it all. That's if I had no social life whatsoever. I took several sabbaticals (including a 2 years one), long vacations, etc. I can't even dent the list. Ive been married for years and I'm very happy, mainly my wife is absolutely awesome, but even before meeting her I did just fine for almost a decade alone (I lived alone and didn't really go out to social events. By choice. Because of that long list. Too much I want to do!). Now we have a lot of mutual friends, go out, lots of events, etc. But when I'm thinking of vacations, all I want to do is stay home with headphones on for 2 weeks without anyone talking to me. I could easily do it for years: I have before. If something was to happen and I ended up single, I'd probably just do that until I'm too old to take care of myself.

codingdave 9y ago

Like most things in life, moderation is probably the wisest path... I have had a very limited social life for the past 5 years. Working from home, putting most of my energy into my work and family. The work was a success... the company grew and got sold. The family did just OK. Personally, I have no friends left because I stopped seeing them. I stopped going to kung fu classes. I just stopped doing things, like the article said. And 5 years later, I find myself realizing that yes, there were upsides to being at home and working... but I do not think I am a better person for it. I actually think I'm kinda boring and quite stagnant, and it is a bit of a letdown to have to come to terms with that. So a few weeks or a month of that sounds fine. But again... moderation in all things. (Don't be like me.)

bitL 9y ago

I do a compromise - when I work I am isolated, 100% focused, then I throw a big party with a lot of diverse people (artists, technologists, regular folks) and get my socialization fun as well. I love cooperating with other super capable people (that is very rare due to societal push for stupid competition) but can do world-class stuff on my own as well when no other option is available.

KGIII 9y ago
Do you have an example of 'world-class stuff?' I am just trying to understand.
- bitL 9y ago
  Unique algorithms not produced by anyone before or products that are first of their kind world-wide and in demand. Won't be more specific as I don't want to get doxxed for some of my future posts.
  - KGIII 9y ago
    Ah, neat. I wasn't sure if you meant world class as something of your creation or something which you'd enjoyed.
    - bitL 9y ago
      World-class in enjoyed as well ;-) But that's secondary to creativity. You'll get quickly tired if you spend too much time in paradise anyway...

throw912323 9y ago

I don't know; there is definitely a basal need for a community, but these days, it just seems so artificial.

chewz 9y ago

Welcome to adulthood. This is how it looks like for many grown up people for whom social duties are a chore and who prefer career, time alone and early sleep.

jcun4128 9y ago

I live with a roommate. We're friends. He's like the only "social life" I have and it's not much. Just work at restaurant, work at home (web). Often I'm fueled by the drive of escaping poverty. Sometimes though I actually feel bored. I just stop and lose momentum. Binge eat, pass out, feel bad at lack of progress. Like what is my life for? What do I enjoy? I dream of working/living in a city but I'm also afraid of crowds/new people haha. I don't know I want to be exposed to nature more like seeing grass, feeling heat, blue sky... I just spend most of my time in a box staring at screens. There is always something on, music, some show/movie. I used to live in a fraternity house and was not really the cool guy I don't know throughout school I just wanted to be cool/fit in. I don't know I wasted a lot of time/money made a hole for myself. After I crashed my car a few years back (nothing major just broke a tie rod), I didn't fix it. I became unemployed and I enjoyed the freedom of sleeping/waking whenever. This was also when I tainted myself financially and now (future) I realize my mistake. I then committed myself to learning webdev. This thought of building high traffic websites and getting rich entered my mind (did not happen). I guess I couldn't commit to school. Man time flies. So yeah that's what I pursue, freedom.

jcun4128 9y ago
Probably a negative thought but the one thing I notice in conversations is it immediately turns to "me" and it's prevalent in many places particularly YouTube comments. Give me attention sort of thing. (I'm guilty of this too) but you're talking to someone and they immediately turn it to about themselves/compare/bigger-better than your thing. Of course the YouTube comments section isn't a great source of examples in civil society. Maybe this is what conversing is, relating one's experience to others to show comprehension/care. I just did it here with my initial response haha.
- catalunia 9y ago
  Everything all humans have ever said and done were merely disguised ways of sneaking in "me" in the conversation.
- pertymcpert 9y ago
  Don't worry about it. If you're not already, keep fit and healthy as much as you can. Not to get rich or attract women etc, but for yourself. For your career, the end goal might seem far away, but each step forward is progress.

cerealbad 9y ago

in a free society some people will choose to disassociate themselves from it.

hacker_9 9y ago

Well this thread is depressing, if you're not wanting to interact with other people for fun then what is the point exactly? No one ever says they wished they did more work on their deathbed.

majewsky 9y ago
Life is more than just work and social interaction. From the article: > I was able to build in more concentrated pockets of work where I otherwise wouldn’t, but I also gravitated to activities that were previously neglected – the gym, practising the piano, and meditation. This resonates with me. If I were to die tomorrow, my biggest regret would probably be focussing too much on work and social interaction at the expense of other pursuits.

misterHN 9y ago

You can't really not have a social life. You're a social network with bells and whistles.

callesgg 9y ago

>I was spending 22 hours or more each week on social activities. I often get envious of people having that much social time. But the fact is that I would not be able to cope with it. Talking to people and having good interesting conversations is extremely energy intensive.

Dowwie 9y ago

Sure, marriage and family