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Online dating has diluted the decision making requirements of dating. Rather than getting to know someone, over time, dating websites allow us to flip through m

Online dating has diluted the decision making requirements of dating. Rather than getting to know someone, over time, dating websites allow us to flip through massive numbers of people. With this impression that there are massive numbers of people to choose from, it tricks us into believing we can be more selective, and dismissive of attributes. These websites, IMO, have the negative affect of giving us "too much" choice, and so people never settle or make choices, or take chances.

Analemma_ 9y ago
It'd be nice to have a citation for any of this. Do you know for a fact that people who do online dating actually have these problems at a greater rate than people who find their dates in meatspace?
- Overtonwindow 9y ago
  Well, for one: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201705/online-too-many-dating-choices-decreases-commitment https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/why-bad-looks-good/2017... This has been well studied. A quick Google search yields scientific articles and studies. For two, http://theinformation.ischool.uw.edu/wp/2015/02/endless-love-the-illusion-of-unlimited-choice-in-online-dating/ http://theinformation.ischool.uw.edu/wp/2015/02/endless-love... And many others.
gozur88 9y ago
They don't give us too much choice. They give us the illusion of more choice. If everybody has more people to choose from, it increases the probability the people you find interesting won't be interested in you.
- csomar 9y ago
  I disagree. Online dating empowers those at the top tier. By a lot.
dmschulman 9y ago
That dynamic changes completely though once you get the the whole, you know, dating part. If people are merely using OKCupid as some kind of catalog to window shop with I can see your point, but the big pool shrinks dramatically once you start to interact and either receive interest or not.
neolefty 9y ago
Empirical data suggests otherwise -- for example, the article mentions that marriages that start from online relationships endure better than offline.
- astura 9y ago
  Data where? See, I've always read its the opposite (and my personal experience backs that up).
  - ntsplnkv2 9y ago
    > I've always read its the opposite Where did you read this?
    - astura 9y ago
      I posted it here in this thread: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15454901 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15454901 This is another report: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/11124140/Couples-who-met-online-three-times-more-likely-to-divorce.html http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/1112414... Contains the gem: > The findings contradict a report from the University of Chicago which suggested that online relationships were stronger. That study was funded by the dating site eHarmony. Good old industry funded "studies."
thirdsun 9y ago
While you have a point, I think the alternative, traditional option of meeting people out in the real world is rarely efficient and often closer to wishful thinking. While I consider my social skills just fine, I'm simply not the type of person that takes action when meeting interesting, attractive people - there are just too many barriers, questions and uncertainties. Obstacles that are easily avoided when using Tinder or similar services - from there it's just conversation and up to both participants to make the most of it. I'd say the medium is irrelevant at that point.
- astura 9y ago
  If you have trouble overcoming barriers, questions and uncertainties then I don't think you have, what I would consider, good social skills. Good social skills includes tactfully and gracefully dealing with barriers, questions and uncertainties. The exact same thing applies for different types of social interaction with strangers, not just looking for dates: meeting friends, professional networking, etc; There is still plenty of barriers, questions and uncertainties to overcome. It's actually easy to get a date in social situations if you have good social skills, have good hygiene, and aren't unattractive (that doesn't necessarily mean you have to be attractive, just not unattractive). It has the added bonus of knowing beforehand that you have a base level of chemistry with someone as you aren't going to walk up to people asking for a date, you're going to chat them up first.
  - thirdsun 9y ago
    You are reading too much into this - my lacking motivation to deal with these uncertainties, doesn't mean that I couldn't or categorically won't. It's not that black and white. I didn't say that I have problems overcoming barriers, meeting new people or finding friends. I just think that it's a rather inefficient way to find company, particularly in a romantic way. If I'm looking for a date, I prefer opting for the method that connects me to people that clearly have similar intentions.
npsimons 9y ago
> have the negative affect of giving us "too much" choice, and so people never settle or make choices, or take chances. As someone who settled and is now regretting it during the divorce, I have to ask why you think people should settle? For that matter, I'm not keen to even hook up, much less get in a LTR again soon, so I have to ask also why you think people should take chances or have to "make choices"? Life is short; too short to waste on people you obviously aren't "meant to be" with. Why not apply an aggressive filter from the start and save everyone time and heartbreak?
- csomar 9y ago
  There is no reason to settle. It is like religion. Most people believe because of society. That is, unless you "really" want to raise your kids. Otherwise, I'll just book to Bangkok.

Analemma_ 9y ago

It'd be nice to have a citation for any of this. Do you know for a fact that people who do online dating actually have these problems at a greater rate than people who find their dates in meatspace?

Overtonwindow 9y ago
Well, for one: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201705/online-too-many-dating-choices-decreases-commitment https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/why-bad-looks-good/2017... This has been well studied. A quick Google search yields scientific articles and studies. For two, http://theinformation.ischool.uw.edu/wp/2015/02/endless-love-the-illusion-of-unlimited-choice-in-online-dating/ http://theinformation.ischool.uw.edu/wp/2015/02/endless-love... And many others.

gozur88 9y ago

They don't give us too much choice. They give us the illusion of more choice. If everybody has more people to choose from, it increases the probability the people you find interesting won't be interested in you.

csomar 9y ago
I disagree. Online dating empowers those at the top tier. By a lot.

dmschulman 9y ago

That dynamic changes completely though once you get the the whole, you know, dating part. If people are merely using OKCupid as some kind of catalog to window shop with I can see your point, but the big pool shrinks dramatically once you start to interact and either receive interest or not.

neolefty 9y ago

Empirical data suggests otherwise -- for example, the article mentions that marriages that start from online relationships endure better than offline.

astura 9y ago
Data where? See, I've always read its the opposite (and my personal experience backs that up).
- ntsplnkv2 9y ago
  > I've always read its the opposite Where did you read this?
  - astura 9y ago
    I posted it here in this thread: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15454901 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15454901 This is another report: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/11124140/Couples-who-met-online-three-times-more-likely-to-divorce.html http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/1112414... Contains the gem: > The findings contradict a report from the University of Chicago which suggested that online relationships were stronger. That study was funded by the dating site eHarmony. Good old industry funded "studies."

thirdsun 9y ago

While you have a point, I think the alternative, traditional option of meeting people out in the real world is rarely efficient and often closer to wishful thinking. While I consider my social skills just fine, I'm simply not the type of person that takes action when meeting interesting, attractive people - there are just too many barriers, questions and uncertainties. Obstacles that are easily avoided when using Tinder or similar services - from there it's just conversation and up to both participants to make the most of it. I'd say the medium is irrelevant at that point.

astura 9y ago
If you have trouble overcoming barriers, questions and uncertainties then I don't think you have, what I would consider, good social skills. Good social skills includes tactfully and gracefully dealing with barriers, questions and uncertainties. The exact same thing applies for different types of social interaction with strangers, not just looking for dates: meeting friends, professional networking, etc; There is still plenty of barriers, questions and uncertainties to overcome. It's actually easy to get a date in social situations if you have good social skills, have good hygiene, and aren't unattractive (that doesn't necessarily mean you have to be attractive, just not unattractive). It has the added bonus of knowing beforehand that you have a base level of chemistry with someone as you aren't going to walk up to people asking for a date, you're going to chat them up first.
- thirdsun 9y ago
  You are reading too much into this - my lacking motivation to deal with these uncertainties, doesn't mean that I couldn't or categorically won't. It's not that black and white. I didn't say that I have problems overcoming barriers, meeting new people or finding friends. I just think that it's a rather inefficient way to find company, particularly in a romantic way. If I'm looking for a date, I prefer opting for the method that connects me to people that clearly have similar intentions.

npsimons 9y ago

> have the negative affect of giving us "too much" choice, and so people never settle or make choices, or take chances. As someone who settled and is now regretting it during the divorce, I have to ask why you think people should settle? For that matter, I'm not keen to even hook up, much less get in a LTR again soon, so I have to ask also why you think people should take chances or have to "make choices"? Life is short; too short to waste on people you obviously aren't "meant to be" with. Why not apply an aggressive filter from the start and save everyone time and heartbreak?

csomar 9y ago
There is no reason to settle. It is like religion. Most people believe because of society. That is, unless you "really" want to raise your kids. Otherwise, I'll just book to Bangkok.