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I think this current trend where we assign responsibility for our emotions to everyone else is highly toxic and ultimately self-defeating. You can learn to con

by imgabe 9y ago

I think this current trend where we assign responsibility for our emotions to everyone else is highly toxic and ultimately self-defeating. You can learn to control your own emotions or you can walk around waiting for everyone else to make sure you're happy and comfortable. Only one of these strategies is going to have any chance of success.

ada1981 9y ago
I'd offer a third option which is taking responsibility for your pain / emotions, but not trying to "control" them. Instead, welcoming and allowing all of them and creating space to engage and explore them. This can lead to much deeper connection with your self and others, and increased health. When you do this, you will also be more available to help others feel their emotions and to help them take responsibility for feeling them fully. I quibble over the term "control" because I see much of our cultures problems as an avoidance -- either making it others people's job, or turning to drugs / addictions / psychiatry / etc. to avoid feeling.
- imgabe 9y ago
  You're right, control is the wrong word. It's more "don't let them control you". With practice I find I can feel an emotion, recognize it as an emotional response, then either find some productive action to address what's causing it or if none are available, let it go. Not that I'm always perfect at doing this, but I find it's more helpful than just being annoyed/sad/angry and waiting for some external change in circumstances to make me feel better.
  - ada1981 9y ago
    I've been living my entire adult life after having been diagnosed schizophrenic at 18 (and bipolar at 31). Choosing to live without medication, this practice of feeling emotions fully and letting them teach me whatever they are meant to, has allowed me to transcend that diagnosis. I've found that within hard to experience emotions are often anchient patterns or old traumas waiting to be released - everything from my father cheating on my mom, to my step dad abusing us, to being circumscized, to being terrified by Catholic propaganda. I find that when I surrender to the emotions as sacred teachers (sometime using altered states like Breathwork to get closer / amplify them), that I end up with more clarity, compassion and confidence.
rhapsodic 9y ago
>I think this current trend where we assign responsibility for our emotions to everyone else is highly toxic and ultimately self-defeating. I agree, because one thing I've learned in this life is that you can't "fix" other adults. This applies to spouses, employees, employers, subordinates, family members, friends, etc. People are what they are, and your basic choice is to either accept them for what they are, or separate them from your life to whatever degree is necessary if you can't. You might be able to temporarily coerce behavioral changes in someone, but the change will only be external and temporary. If a guy is the type who would rather spend the entire weekend on the couch watching TV rather than attending to household chores while things fall apart around him, it's unfortunate, but that's who he is. With enough nagging and head games, he might be manipulated into fixing the broken screen door, but that's what it will take each and every time. If a subordinate at work never seems to accomplish anything because there's always some drama in their life distracting them, they're not going to one day magically transform into the model employee. That's why you have to be careful when choosing a spouse or an employee. They're going to be what they are. In fact, if anything, their bad traits will probably amplify once they've closed the deal, and they know it will be more difficult to get rid of them.

by imgabe 9y ago

ada1981 9y ago

I'd offer a third option which is taking responsibility for your pain / emotions, but not trying to "control" them. Instead, welcoming and allowing all of them and creating space to engage and explore them. This can lead to much deeper connection with your self and others, and increased health. When you do this, you will also be more available to help others feel their emotions and to help them take responsibility for feeling them fully. I quibble over the term "control" because I see much of our cultures problems as an avoidance -- either making it others people's job, or turning to drugs / addictions / psychiatry / etc. to avoid feeling.

imgabe 9y ago
You're right, control is the wrong word. It's more "don't let them control you". With practice I find I can feel an emotion, recognize it as an emotional response, then either find some productive action to address what's causing it or if none are available, let it go. Not that I'm always perfect at doing this, but I find it's more helpful than just being annoyed/sad/angry and waiting for some external change in circumstances to make me feel better.
- ada1981 9y ago
  I've been living my entire adult life after having been diagnosed schizophrenic at 18 (and bipolar at 31). Choosing to live without medication, this practice of feeling emotions fully and letting them teach me whatever they are meant to, has allowed me to transcend that diagnosis. I've found that within hard to experience emotions are often anchient patterns or old traumas waiting to be released - everything from my father cheating on my mom, to my step dad abusing us, to being circumscized, to being terrified by Catholic propaganda. I find that when I surrender to the emotions as sacred teachers (sometime using altered states like Breathwork to get closer / amplify them), that I end up with more clarity, compassion and confidence.

rhapsodic 9y ago

>I think this current trend where we assign responsibility for our emotions to everyone else is highly toxic and ultimately self-defeating. I agree, because one thing I've learned in this life is that you can't "fix" other adults. This applies to spouses, employees, employers, subordinates, family members, friends, etc. People are what they are, and your basic choice is to either accept them for what they are, or separate them from your life to whatever degree is necessary if you can't. You might be able to temporarily coerce behavioral changes in someone, but the change will only be external and temporary. If a guy is the type who would rather spend the entire weekend on the couch watching TV rather than attending to household chores while things fall apart around him, it's unfortunate, but that's who he is. With enough nagging and head games, he might be manipulated into fixing the broken screen door, but that's what it will take each and every time. If a subordinate at work never seems to accomplish anything because there's always some drama in their life distracting them, they're not going to one day magically transform into the model employee. That's why you have to be careful when choosing a spouse or an employee. They're going to be what they are. In fact, if anything, their bad traits will probably amplify once they've closed the deal, and they know it will be more difficult to get rid of them.