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Fair points. Perhaps my phrasing was needlessly agressive. I didn't mean to label individual personal choices as 'arcane'. Rather, it's the social/cultural norm

Fair points. Perhaps my phrasing was needlessly agressive. I didn't mean to label individual personal choices as 'arcane'. Rather, it's the social/cultural norm that I find suboptimal. (Also, the economic connotations involved are perhaps in bad taste) I'm not sure whether this is correct in English (not my first language) but 'erotic' was meant to include not just sex but other forms of closeness as well. What I don't understand is why the bond of trust, emotional closeness, and so forth necessarily needs to have exclusivity built-in, so to speak. It's also not like other (non-sexual) forms of closeness are considered cheating. If I am in a monogamous relationship and develop a non-sexual, strong emotional bond with someone else I've only made a new friend, not cheated. However if I have 'just' sex (with little emotional involvement) it is considered cheating. Now if it were commonly accepted that it is only 'cheating' if you have some strong emotional bond in addition to sexual relations, it would make more sense. Even then, however, it seems unclear why the fact thaat you also have a strong bond with somebody else somehow invalidates the bond you have with your partner. Obviously, for 'practical' reasons the number of deep relationships one can have is limited. But 1 seems like an artificially low limit. In regards to what we could consider progress: I completely agree with what you wrote. However, what is considered a 'normal' relationship, what is ezpected if no further discussion or arrangements are made, what most everyone defaults to, is a partly social norm with important consequences, and one which should be subject to criticism and optimization. It seems unlikely to me that nearly everyone prefers exclusive monogamy vs a more relaxed relationship model. It seems more likely that the dominance of that particular arrangement is due to societal pressure. Of course maybe it seems that way because I am somehow emotionally immature. Unfortunately, it seems difficult to design rigorous studies to research this question.

Nursie 9y ago
>> What I don't understand is why the bond of trust, emotional closeness, and so forth necessarily needs to have exclusivity built-in, so to speak. Because I want to make that bond something I build my life around, and want to know that the other person is reciprocating. If the other person is having other, similar relationships then I'm not really able to do that. It also implies a sort of time-share basis to the relationship. I'm demanding, I want most of my partner's time, and I want to give her most of mine. I want to face the world by her side and with her at mine. >> However if I have 'just' sex (with little emotional involvement) it is considered cheating. Like I said, for a lot of people, there's no such thing as "just sex", and it always involves emotions, even if you didn't think it would beforehand. This is something I learned about myself over the last couple of decades. As to what people might really prefer, absent any sort of pressure, it is indeed very hard to tell. If you look at society it seems the mainstream is to prefer serial monogamy, with occasional total breakdown. As the pressure to marry (and to do so young, and to stay with someone you might hate) wanes, perhaps we'll see more, different models emerging. It won't be for me though. And it's always going to be a good idea to have a conversation about who you are and what you want from a relationship very early on.

Nursie 9y ago

>> What I don't understand is why the bond of trust, emotional closeness, and so forth necessarily needs to have exclusivity built-in, so to speak. Because I want to make that bond something I build my life around, and want to know that the other person is reciprocating. If the other person is having other, similar relationships then I'm not really able to do that. It also implies a sort of time-share basis to the relationship. I'm demanding, I want most of my partner's time, and I want to give her most of mine. I want to face the world by her side and with her at mine. >> However if I have 'just' sex (with little emotional involvement) it is considered cheating. Like I said, for a lot of people, there's no such thing as "just sex", and it always involves emotions, even if you didn't think it would beforehand. This is something I learned about myself over the last couple of decades. As to what people might really prefer, absent any sort of pressure, it is indeed very hard to tell. If you look at society it seems the mainstream is to prefer serial monogamy, with occasional total breakdown. As the pressure to marry (and to do so young, and to stay with someone you might hate) wanes, perhaps we'll see more, different models emerging. It won't be for me though. And it's always going to be a good idea to have a conversation about who you are and what you want from a relationship very early on.