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Yeah, it might be able self discovery, but it might be about enacting a narcissistic fantasy. The author is right, you reconstruct yourself in the other's gaze,

Yeah, it might be able self discovery, but it might be about enacting a narcissistic fantasy. The author is right, you reconstruct yourself in the other's gaze, you slake your thirst with the other's mouth. But what kind of self are you constructing here? And what power will your own fantasies have over the person with whom you conduct the affair?

jrs95 9y ago
Yeah, I don't think the normalization of this obviously selfish and destructive behavior is a positive thing at all.
- dalbasal 9y ago
  The selfishness and destructiveness of the behaviour is very closely related to the norms it violates. Homosexuality was (and is) destructive to families in communities where it considered abhorent. Premarital sex too. In fact, the ban on premarital sex and the ban aon adultery are closely related. People have a hard time suppressing their sexual urges. But, many sexual urges we once considered immoral & destructive are now seen differently.
  - deleted 9y ago
    [deleted]
- dalbasal 9y ago
  An interesting subplot in the culture of sexual fidelity is (IMO) the cultural promotion of multiple sequential relationships. The most culturally acceptable middle class sex life today involves a series of monogomous relationships. We're encouraged to start young with practice relationships (ideally stopping short of "real sex") for teenagers, which are expected to end. Then, a variety of relationships ranging from one nighters to multi-year relationships anyone from the past would have called marriage. Variety is generally valued. Then Marriage(s). My GreatGrandmother would have raised eyebrows at all this. Even though sexual norms have radically shifted during this time, our view of fidelity remained kind of static. Promiscuity good, infidelity bad. The culture surrounding sex is among the most complex in the human repertoire, but such a shift on promiscuity without a shift on infidelity seems like an oddity of our culture, probably a short term one.
- zzalpha 9y ago
  Who's "normalizing" anything? By that argument we shouldn't try to understand why anyone does anything we deem negative, and I would hope we can all agree that's incredibly silly. Understanding "why" helps us understand how to prevent it from happening to people. This article, in particular, is a great piece for people in healthy relationships to read, because it teaches an important lesson: you are not immune.

jrs95 9y ago

Yeah, I don't think the normalization of this obviously selfish and destructive behavior is a positive thing at all.

dalbasal 9y ago
The selfishness and destructiveness of the behaviour is very closely related to the norms it violates. Homosexuality was (and is) destructive to families in communities where it considered abhorent. Premarital sex too. In fact, the ban on premarital sex and the ban aon adultery are closely related. People have a hard time suppressing their sexual urges. But, many sexual urges we once considered immoral & destructive are now seen differently.
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
dalbasal 9y ago
An interesting subplot in the culture of sexual fidelity is (IMO) the cultural promotion of multiple sequential relationships. The most culturally acceptable middle class sex life today involves a series of monogomous relationships. We're encouraged to start young with practice relationships (ideally stopping short of "real sex") for teenagers, which are expected to end. Then, a variety of relationships ranging from one nighters to multi-year relationships anyone from the past would have called marriage. Variety is generally valued. Then Marriage(s). My GreatGrandmother would have raised eyebrows at all this. Even though sexual norms have radically shifted during this time, our view of fidelity remained kind of static. Promiscuity good, infidelity bad. The culture surrounding sex is among the most complex in the human repertoire, but such a shift on promiscuity without a shift on infidelity seems like an oddity of our culture, probably a short term one.
zzalpha 9y ago
Who's "normalizing" anything? By that argument we shouldn't try to understand why anyone does anything we deem negative, and I would hope we can all agree that's incredibly silly. Understanding "why" helps us understand how to prevent it from happening to people. This article, in particular, is a great piece for people in healthy relationships to read, because it teaches an important lesson: you are not immune.