4 ms·

I realized a few months ago that I was talking too much in conversations, and not listening nearly enough. So for the last few months, I've decided to talk a lo

• jholman 16y ago
  I have a similar project of self-improvement going on, but I find the problem much subtler than what you describe. First off, yeah, with the people I most value, I talk too much and don't listen enough. Mea culpa, must improve. On the other hand, perhaps I just need to level up my skill at asking guiding questions, and perhaps I just need to widen my interests, but I frequently have trouble being interested in what people want to talk about. In particular, I often find people want to tell stories about a particular experience they have, for the purpose of complaining about other people, refusing to generalize the experience, and refusing empathize with the person they're complaining about. That's boring! Perhaps relatedly, I've recently been thinking that maybe I should put a little more work into consciously deciding if a conversant is interesting to me, and then choosing to pursue a boorish strategy or a collaborative strategy appropriately (perhaps erring on the side of collaborative). I've definitely had some totally boring people recently exclaim how fun I am to talk to and how much they'd like to hang out more in the future. Oops. It's probably imprudent, though, to attempt this strategy in groups with more than one other person present.
  • TheSOB88 16y ago
    I tend to play mind games with the people who do nothing but complain. Ask slightly "off" questions, agree with them on the wrong points, etc. It's slightly more entertaining, at least!
  • johnfn 16y ago
    Yeah; I like to assume that the fault always rests on me. Perhaps it's not always true, but I think that's the fastest way to improve. As for what you specifically mention, I would try to find a deeper cause of complaints. I ask stuff like "does this happen often?" or "do you find that other people are like these people? Why?" I think that there are always ways to (gradually!) steer a conversation to what you both find mutually interesting. It is an art, though.
  • deleted 16y ago
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• jamesbritt 16y ago
  If I'm lucky I catch myself when I fall into some monologue pattern. My trick is to pretend I'm doing an interview, where the words "me", "I", "my", etc. aren't appropriate. And where questions work better than assertions or corrections.
• WA 16y ago
  I realized the exact opposite. Oftentimes, when I tried to lead people into deeper and more interesting areas, their body language kind of "closed down" (like crossing arms in front of the body). When I shared some information about me first, people seemed to be more open. So, now, most of the time, I talk quite a lot in the beginning to melt the ice and go over to ask questions AFTER that.
• spiffytech 16y ago
  The surest way to make people like you is to figure out which button to push to get them talking about something that interests them. People love to hear their own voices, and to talk about their interests. I am a very good listener, and enjoy listening at least as much as talking. If you figure out how to get someone monologuing, they'll eventually stumble into territory you find interesting. You just have to 'convince' your conversant that it's OK to dive deeper into a topic. Ask them to elaborate or explain things that sound interesting. Try to show you're interested and intrigued. This tactic has helped me befriend people I would never have thought twice about if I'd dismissed their casual conversation as uninteresting. People I have absolutely nothing in common with. I've engaged in fascinating, enlightening conversations and lectures on philosophy, programming, design, cooking, life, finance, and more. Some of these conversations were life-changing, and it's all because I pushed the buttons that got people talking deeply about their interests.