3 ms·

For me, one of the big obvious lessons on HN is that men communicate and interact differently from women. Can you elaborate on this? I'd love to learn what you

by jeromec 16y ago

For me, one of the big obvious lessons on HN is that men communicate and interact differently from women. Can you elaborate on this? I'd love to learn what you notice from your perspective.

Mz 16y ago
Probably the most obvious is that men are less touchy-feely. I find that in female-majority environments, there is much more lie-to-your-face while stabbing you in the back type behavior. I'm a real blunt individual, which often goes over poorly with women (my dad and ex-husband are both career military and my mom is foreign -- so, to be fair, lots of Americans find me hard to take/hard to really understand, not just women). The flip side of that is that people here seem to make less effort to understand my admittedly "alien" perspective. It feels to me more like it is on me to work at communicating effectively. I'm okay with that because I find that pat-you-on-the-head and be nice to you stuff often doesn't really result in better communication. Like a pain killer, it often just masks the fact there is a big problem. Men seem to be better about bluntly letting you know it's an issue -- which can be very uncomfortable to face but, in the long run, is usually more productive. Of course, since I am female, I find that when I do the exact same thing a man would do, it is often interpreted by other people as "overly aggressive". So time will tell if I will be able to take the lessons learned here and put them to constructive use in my life.
- jeromec 16y ago
  Probably the most obvious is that men are less touchy-feely. Yes, I can believe that as being true. This may have little correlation, but I distinctly remember a trip to a completely female run dental office. This was for oral surgery, and I had every confidence in the doctor, but there were times during the procedure (as my gums were being cut open) when I noticed her being, how can I say, respectful or dainty, with my mouth, and I was thinking to myself just get in there and do what you have to do! I'm pretty numb here! lol (the work was top notch) but I guess it did make the overall experience a bit nicer. :) I find that in female-majority environments, there is much more lie-to-your-face while stabbing you in the back type behavior. Wow. The flip side of that is that people here seem to make less effort to understand my admittedly "alien" perspective. Sadly, I think Americans can be guilty of this in general, often times, including myself. Thanks for sharing. :)
  - Mz 16y ago
    I read this some time ago and have been feeling vaguely like there was probably a miscommunication somewhere. For sake of clarification, to me it "goes without saying" (which is why I didn't say it) that people who are more touchy-feely are also highly likely to be the type to lie (say nice things) to your face while stabbing you in the back. Both things tend to be rooted in or related to a dislike of confrontation. People who place an inordinately high value on the (superficially) feel-good experience are, obviously (at least to me), the same type that will make nice while doing you serious harm. Can't have people (ie THEMSELVES) be uncomfortable while we burn them, now can we? And if you got that the first time: nevermind. :)
    - jeromec 16y ago
      Hrm... I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying there is a correlation for being touchy-feely with backstabbing? I thought you meant touchy-feely as a definition for "a woman's touch" so to speak. In other words, being more sensitive. For example, my mom is quite compassionate and empathetic, so she would be more "touchy-feely" about some topics than I might be, but she is the last person that would ever intentionally be a backstabber. I'm not sure if this makes sense, and we may still have some miscommunication. I'm just trying to get more insight into the female perspective, but I think you are saying that often times females may be quicker to be deceitful when talking with one another, whereas males will be blunt and upfront, even if it means offending someone. Perhaps you are intending "touchy-feely" to mean non-genuine? That may be our miscommunication.
      - Mz 16y ago
        I don't think it is accurate to say women (or anyone who is touchy-feely) are more backstabbing. I do think it is accurate to say that touchy-feely types are generally inclined to be less direct (what you characterized as "deceitful") in the face of something socially unpleasant -- they seem to expect others to read between the lines, infer and so on. When such subtleties fail, they often don't deal well with the ugliness which ensues. Having written my above paragraph, it occurred to me that although I am a conflict-avoider and will go out of my way to avoid fighting with people, I seem more comfortable with direct confrontation than most women and that is probably one of the things that makes many people uncomfortable with me. People find me "combative" although I really don't like to fight with people. But if there is an issue, I generally prefer to be direct and prefer people being direct with me -- assuming there is no malice on both sides. Where there is real malice, best to know when to shut up. FWIW: My experience has been that extremely suave, charming men are typically also untrustworthy. They generally know how to manipulate people and usually don't hesitate to do so. Of course, people who are both charming and have a strong sense of integrity make wonderful company. But if I have to choose one or the other, I prefer integrity to charm. Perhaps you are intending "touchy-feely" to mean non-genuine? No, but I think there is some correlation between the two things. People who want very much to make nice are inclined to tell "little white lies", which puts one on a slippery slope. I wish my experiences indicated otherwise. I hope that is clearer. Thanks.

by jeromec 16y ago

For me, one of the big obvious lessons on HN is that men communicate and interact differently from women. Can you elaborate on this? I'd love to learn what you notice from your perspective.

Mz 16y ago

Probably the most obvious is that men are less touchy-feely. I find that in female-majority environments, there is much more lie-to-your-face while stabbing you in the back type behavior. I'm a real blunt individual, which often goes over poorly with women (my dad and ex-husband are both career military and my mom is foreign -- so, to be fair, lots of Americans find me hard to take/hard to really understand, not just women). The flip side of that is that people here seem to make less effort to understand my admittedly "alien" perspective. It feels to me more like it is on me to work at communicating effectively. I'm okay with that because I find that pat-you-on-the-head and be nice to you stuff often doesn't really result in better communication. Like a pain killer, it often just masks the fact there is a big problem. Men seem to be better about bluntly letting you know it's an issue -- which can be very uncomfortable to face but, in the long run, is usually more productive. Of course, since I am female, I find that when I do the exact same thing a man would do, it is often interpreted by other people as "overly aggressive". So time will tell if I will be able to take the lessons learned here and put them to constructive use in my life.

jeromec 16y ago
Probably the most obvious is that men are less touchy-feely. Yes, I can believe that as being true. This may have little correlation, but I distinctly remember a trip to a completely female run dental office. This was for oral surgery, and I had every confidence in the doctor, but there were times during the procedure (as my gums were being cut open) when I noticed her being, how can I say, respectful or dainty, with my mouth, and I was thinking to myself just get in there and do what you have to do! I'm pretty numb here! lol (the work was top notch) but I guess it did make the overall experience a bit nicer. :) I find that in female-majority environments, there is much more lie-to-your-face while stabbing you in the back type behavior. Wow. The flip side of that is that people here seem to make less effort to understand my admittedly "alien" perspective. Sadly, I think Americans can be guilty of this in general, often times, including myself. Thanks for sharing. :)
- Mz 16y ago
  I read this some time ago and have been feeling vaguely like there was probably a miscommunication somewhere. For sake of clarification, to me it "goes without saying" (which is why I didn't say it) that people who are more touchy-feely are also highly likely to be the type to lie (say nice things) to your face while stabbing you in the back. Both things tend to be rooted in or related to a dislike of confrontation. People who place an inordinately high value on the (superficially) feel-good experience are, obviously (at least to me), the same type that will make nice while doing you serious harm. Can't have people (ie THEMSELVES) be uncomfortable while we burn them, now can we? And if you got that the first time: nevermind. :)
  - jeromec 16y ago
    Hrm... I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying there is a correlation for being touchy-feely with backstabbing? I thought you meant touchy-feely as a definition for "a woman's touch" so to speak. In other words, being more sensitive. For example, my mom is quite compassionate and empathetic, so she would be more "touchy-feely" about some topics than I might be, but she is the last person that would ever intentionally be a backstabber. I'm not sure if this makes sense, and we may still have some miscommunication. I'm just trying to get more insight into the female perspective, but I think you are saying that often times females may be quicker to be deceitful when talking with one another, whereas males will be blunt and upfront, even if it means offending someone. Perhaps you are intending "touchy-feely" to mean non-genuine? That may be our miscommunication.
    - Mz 16y ago
      I don't think it is accurate to say women (or anyone who is touchy-feely) are more backstabbing. I do think it is accurate to say that touchy-feely types are generally inclined to be less direct (what you characterized as "deceitful") in the face of something socially unpleasant -- they seem to expect others to read between the lines, infer and so on. When such subtleties fail, they often don't deal well with the ugliness which ensues. Having written my above paragraph, it occurred to me that although I am a conflict-avoider and will go out of my way to avoid fighting with people, I seem more comfortable with direct confrontation than most women and that is probably one of the things that makes many people uncomfortable with me. People find me "combative" although I really don't like to fight with people. But if there is an issue, I generally prefer to be direct and prefer people being direct with me -- assuming there is no malice on both sides. Where there is real malice, best to know when to shut up. FWIW: My experience has been that extremely suave, charming men are typically also untrustworthy. They generally know how to manipulate people and usually don't hesitate to do so. Of course, people who are both charming and have a strong sense of integrity make wonderful company. But if I have to choose one or the other, I prefer integrity to charm. Perhaps you are intending "touchy-feely" to mean non-genuine? No, but I think there is some correlation between the two things. People who want very much to make nice are inclined to tell "little white lies", which puts one on a slippery slope. I wish my experiences indicated otherwise. I hope that is clearer. Thanks.