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I accidentally discovered my biological family using 23andme. My wife took the test for fun, and I thought it would fun also. Being adopted, I never cared to l

I accidentally discovered my biological family using 23andme. My wife took the test for fun, and I thought it would fun also. Being adopted, I never cared to look up my biological family. I'm 52, so I assumed they were all gone by now. Within five minutes of getting my results back I was in touch with a first cousin. A couple of days later? Three bio half-sisters, who live in my area. This was quite a shock! I went from taking a test on a lark to having a bunch of new bio relatives. I'm fine with it now, but at the time it was quite a bit to get used to. I'm still sorting through where to go from here. Try to find a bio father? (Nobody knows who he might be), or just leave things alone? One conclusion I have reached: all of this adoption stuff, which used to be extremely secret in some areas, is coming to come out over the next few decades. Being an adult, I'm fine with however my biological history plays out, but I imagine there are a lot of kids and teenagers that could really have a huge suprise in store for them. Strange times we live in. (And thanks to the 23andme folks for giving me an adventure I hadn't asked for but is turning out to be quite fun and interesting)

folli 9y ago
How does this actually work? I assume your first cousin and half-sisters that came up in the screening also performed the test. Do you automatically agree that 23andme can use your data to search for relatives and give them out your information?
- DanielBMarkham 9y ago
  My first cousin did the test a while ago. When she took the test, she agreed to share her results with anybody that might be interested. After I took the test, I was guided through a series of prompts and opt-ins that asked me about what I was comfortable sharing. At one point, there was a checkbox to allow my information to be used as part of something (I think) called a DNA Family Finder. I checked that, then there was a section of the website to go to. On that page there was 50-60 people who had already taken the test and agreed to be part of the search. Most were crazy, far-removed relatives like 4th cousin twice-removed. But at the top was a possible first cousin. To be honest, even when I saw it I didn't do the math. On her side, she received an email that said she had new matches, then messaged me through the site. "I guess you've hit the jackpot!" she said Of course, by being first cousins, it meant we shared grandparents. It also meant that one of her aunts or uncles was one of my biological parents. We chatted for a bit, my telling her I really didn't want to cause any family pain and her reassuring me that it was a long, long time ago (1960s). As it turned out, one of her aunts was a "black sheep" of the family and had gotten into all sorts of social trouble. The other aunts and uncles weren't in an easy place to have had kids. (Insert detective story here)
sharkweek 9y ago
If it's not too personal of a question, would you mind expanding a bit on what you're thinking with regards to whether or not to seek out your bio father? As someone who wasn't adopted, I'm very curious as to what your gut is telling you to do on this. I have had three friends in my life who were adopted, two in their teen years sought to seek out their biological parents, and one says he never thought much of it.
- DanielBMarkham 9y ago
  I never wanted to do it. Like I said, I just kind of fell into it. But now that I'm here, I feel an obligation to complete the biological history for my kids and potential grandkids. Things like heart disease, cancer, and other diseases can be part hereditary. There's also the issue of establishing a genetic family tree. That's never been my thing, but some of my progeny might feel differently. Now is the time to find out whatever information is available, while people are still alive. On the minus side, this kind of thing could be terribly disruptive to a family somewhere -- and I have no intention of causing anybody pain. As I said in my OC, what changes the balance is the fact that as sites like 23andme grow, it's all coming out in the wash anyway. So the real question is whether or not I'm going to fit all the pieces of the puzzle together or leave it to somebody decades from now when I'm gone. Since I'm halfway there, might as well finish. In this way I can create a family narrative of my adoption instead of having that narrative created for me by people years from now that I've never met. It has absolutley nothing to do with meeting the actual person, or going through some kind of emotional reunion. I really don't want to do that. It's much more about putting all the pieces together and making some kind of sense of it all.
  - krrrh 9y ago
    For whatever it's worth from the other side of the equation, an older biological half-brother who had been adopted got in touch with my family a few years ago, and it's been a profound experience. I knew that he was out there somewhere, but never really thought of him or had any real desire to meet him until he reached out (I was already in my late 30s). We don't live in the same city but close enough that we've been able to hang out 1-2 times per year. Snooping on each other's social media before first meeting lowered the initial awkwardness. I have a couple of friends who have had similar experiences. Getting to know a close bio-relative as an adult surprised me in how much it offered better self-understanding and an enriched perspective on nature/nurture and the human experience. It was interesting right off the bat to discover improbable similarities in favourite books, albums, and thoughts about John Resig's blog posts, that he had a similar career path to me, and shared some mannerisms and personality quirks, and to realize afterwards how naturally the conversation flowed. Maybe we've also been lucky to not load expectations on each other. After our first meeting he made a comment on how every software developer secretly wishes they had a clone of themselves out there doing the stuff they don't have time to, which summed up my feelings pretty well. Obviously it's a personal decision, but I've been very happy that he made contact. In terms of potentially causing pain, if 3 of your bio-siblings are on 23andme, it's highly likely that they are at least already aware of your existence and are just as respectful of your boundaries as you are of theirs.
jpm_sd 9y ago
The modern approach to adoption is "open" - we keep in touch with my kid's bio-mom on Facebook!
- DanielBMarkham 9y ago
  Yes! Much better. I have friends who have had an open adoption. They speak highly of it.

folli 9y ago

How does this actually work? I assume your first cousin and half-sisters that came up in the screening also performed the test. Do you automatically agree that 23andme can use your data to search for relatives and give them out your information?

DanielBMarkham 9y ago
My first cousin did the test a while ago. When she took the test, she agreed to share her results with anybody that might be interested. After I took the test, I was guided through a series of prompts and opt-ins that asked me about what I was comfortable sharing. At one point, there was a checkbox to allow my information to be used as part of something (I think) called a DNA Family Finder. I checked that, then there was a section of the website to go to. On that page there was 50-60 people who had already taken the test and agreed to be part of the search. Most were crazy, far-removed relatives like 4th cousin twice-removed. But at the top was a possible first cousin. To be honest, even when I saw it I didn't do the math. On her side, she received an email that said she had new matches, then messaged me through the site. "I guess you've hit the jackpot!" she said Of course, by being first cousins, it meant we shared grandparents. It also meant that one of her aunts or uncles was one of my biological parents. We chatted for a bit, my telling her I really didn't want to cause any family pain and her reassuring me that it was a long, long time ago (1960s). As it turned out, one of her aunts was a "black sheep" of the family and had gotten into all sorts of social trouble. The other aunts and uncles weren't in an easy place to have had kids. (Insert detective story here)

sharkweek 9y ago

If it's not too personal of a question, would you mind expanding a bit on what you're thinking with regards to whether or not to seek out your bio father? As someone who wasn't adopted, I'm very curious as to what your gut is telling you to do on this. I have had three friends in my life who were adopted, two in their teen years sought to seek out their biological parents, and one says he never thought much of it.

DanielBMarkham 9y ago
I never wanted to do it. Like I said, I just kind of fell into it. But now that I'm here, I feel an obligation to complete the biological history for my kids and potential grandkids. Things like heart disease, cancer, and other diseases can be part hereditary. There's also the issue of establishing a genetic family tree. That's never been my thing, but some of my progeny might feel differently. Now is the time to find out whatever information is available, while people are still alive. On the minus side, this kind of thing could be terribly disruptive to a family somewhere -- and I have no intention of causing anybody pain. As I said in my OC, what changes the balance is the fact that as sites like 23andme grow, it's all coming out in the wash anyway. So the real question is whether or not I'm going to fit all the pieces of the puzzle together or leave it to somebody decades from now when I'm gone. Since I'm halfway there, might as well finish. In this way I can create a family narrative of my adoption instead of having that narrative created for me by people years from now that I've never met. It has absolutley nothing to do with meeting the actual person, or going through some kind of emotional reunion. I really don't want to do that. It's much more about putting all the pieces together and making some kind of sense of it all.
- krrrh 9y ago
  For whatever it's worth from the other side of the equation, an older biological half-brother who had been adopted got in touch with my family a few years ago, and it's been a profound experience. I knew that he was out there somewhere, but never really thought of him or had any real desire to meet him until he reached out (I was already in my late 30s). We don't live in the same city but close enough that we've been able to hang out 1-2 times per year. Snooping on each other's social media before first meeting lowered the initial awkwardness. I have a couple of friends who have had similar experiences. Getting to know a close bio-relative as an adult surprised me in how much it offered better self-understanding and an enriched perspective on nature/nurture and the human experience. It was interesting right off the bat to discover improbable similarities in favourite books, albums, and thoughts about John Resig's blog posts, that he had a similar career path to me, and shared some mannerisms and personality quirks, and to realize afterwards how naturally the conversation flowed. Maybe we've also been lucky to not load expectations on each other. After our first meeting he made a comment on how every software developer secretly wishes they had a clone of themselves out there doing the stuff they don't have time to, which summed up my feelings pretty well. Obviously it's a personal decision, but I've been very happy that he made contact. In terms of potentially causing pain, if 3 of your bio-siblings are on 23andme, it's highly likely that they are at least already aware of your existence and are just as respectful of your boundaries as you are of theirs.

jpm_sd 9y ago

The modern approach to adoption is "open" - we keep in touch with my kid's bio-mom on Facebook!

DanielBMarkham 9y ago
Yes! Much better. I have friends who have had an open adoption. They speak highly of it.