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It's a problem when you are "gifted" in your early age. I never had to work at all during school to have good grades. So I didn't. When reality finally checke

by Xoros 9y ago

It's a problem when you are "gifted" in your early age. I never had to work at all during school to have good grades. So I didn't. When reality finally checked in, I didn't have working routines or techniques. I still miss some of them, and there's not a day than I look back at my career thinking I could have done muuuuch better.

deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
nolok 9y ago
I can 100% relate. And sadly getting the people around you to understand is not easy at all. How do you tell the people around you that telling you you're good/talented/gifted, and acting like you are by default, is hurting you. That when there is any kind of challenge to do, "yeah it's hard but I'm sure nolok can do it" being the go to expected comment has long term effects. Even in my current adult situation, my friends answer when we talk about it goes something like "oh yeah poor you, not having to kill yourself working all week because you can do it in a few hours, and then being forced to relax and not do work stuff for days ! I would cry for you, if I didn't have to go back to work for my daily 6 hours shift for half your salary." And I can't even say I don't get why they don't understand it, I totally do, but it hurts nonetheless. The only ones who truly know how much it gets to me are my girlfriend and close family (parents, brother, ...), and after a while you feel like you're complaining about nothing while others have real issues.
- pmtarantino 9y ago
  I didnt know I had this problem until I read you. Thanks for putting into words something I felt but I didnt know how to describe it. Thanks. Any advice on how to solve it or feel better or anything?
  - Jemmeh 9y ago
    I think there are a lot of different reasons someone might feel that way, but for me learning about proper studying techniques helped a lot. I'm fine with people having high expectations of me, I think it's when I feel that I can't live up to them that there's pressure that others will "shrug" off as if it's easy. With real tangible study techniques and not just vague general cleverness I feel like I can meet those challenges head on, like I have an actual plan to stand on. The Learning How To Learn course is a good start on this, but I've found a lot of different things on youtube. https://www.coursera.org/learn/learning-how-to-learn https://www.coursera.org/learn/learning-how-to-learn Another thing was I felt like people were shrugging off my hard work because I made it look easy and there's 3 things for that -- A.) realize people are focused on their own life, they aren't going to understand everything going on in yours and B.) Stop being silent about your hard work. Even if it's just to some of your close friends, having some people realize you work hard too is nice. C.) Talk to people (like here on HN) with the same problem as you. I'm in some entrepreneur groups on Facebook and it is SO nice to have like minded people with similar problems to talk to or read about.
- graphitezepp 9y ago
  Feeling guilt over a sense of complaining about nothing has been a recurring theme for me. It is almost impossible to get people to understand problems that don't impede traditional 'success'.
- Allower 9y ago
  Yup. lifes a bitch. and people are assholes
- TeMPOraL 9y ago
  > after a while you feel like you're complaining about nothing while others have real issues That's probably why I tend to vent out here instead of to my family. We're not rich. One of my siblings is finishing their medical studies, and struggling with the fact that in our area, it's mostly a thankless job for shit pay. The other one is on a path that probably won't bring much riches either. My SO works twice as hard as I do for half the pay. I just can't talk about my job to those closest to me, because from the point of view of general society, I'm the lucky one who has a well-paying job sitting in front of computer all day, with plenty of time to goof around. I try to help them all as much as I can, both materially and in terms of finding access to education and better opportunities. But it doesn't make me feel any less guilty that I happened to luck into a good job by the virtue of my teenage hobby turning out to be a great career choice. Here, at least, there are other people who can relate. The jobs I've experienced are boring and soul-suckingly pointless. It's hard to find a meaningful one, when most of the industry is just about making rich people richer. Also, I suspect that learning how to program in my teenage years hurt me in terms of job satisfaction as well - the novelty of making computers do things has long worn off, so (unlike some people I work with) I don't get happy and excited that I can use the new bloated framework X and finally get to use generic types like a boss, or whatevs. Except I suppose the same is true for most people in most other jobs. But they are too busy making ends meet to complain about the job being bullshit.
tappio 9y ago
It is very interesting to find discussion on this. We have actually a group of friends who are all kinda connected with this same issue more or less. We have only recently started to discuss it; framing it "lazy smart" people. Part of our group never got back on track in life despite "high iq". The reality kinda came after people got to good universities and realised that you have to work to progress. Finding motivation to gradute seems impossible when you are used to get everything without effort.
- Varcht 9y ago
  I call it "lazy genuis". I'm pretty old now (50) and experiencing burnout for the first time. Fwiw I've always been mildly successful rising to the upper grades of 3 different fields, draftsman, CG (Technical Director) and programmer (I hold the Architect title now) all self taught. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, I don't. I guess just know you are not alone.
  - robertlagrant 9y ago
    50 isn't old, and well done for achieving success in different areas of work!
ambivalents 9y ago
Yes. This has been a problem for me for most of my adult life. I coasted through grade school, college. Most things came easily, naturally. It all came crashing down for me, though, when I got my first semester law school grades back. For the first time in my life I did poorly, when I expected to do just as well as I had done before. It is not an exaggeration to say my entire sense of self erupted beneath me. I became depressed, anxious. I withdrew completely. I ended up dropping out of school. I am still recovering. This sort of problem doesn't get much sympathy until it's too late. I hope gifted kids get more support these days. I found some hope in the work of Carol Dweck and her book, "Mindset." All my life I had been told how smart and talented I was. I adopted this "fixed" mindset about myself, and when it was contested, I broke. Adopting a "growth" mindset is a much more sustainable, workable model. I highly recommend looking into Dweck's work for anyone who might be struggling in this vein.
- fujiters 9y ago
  But how do you really adopt this mindset? I can't get over the feeling that it's only a helpful lie (it's better for you if you believe it even if it's not true) which keeps me from really buying in.
erobbins 9y ago
Wow, I totally identify. I like to joke that I've done "less with more" than anyone else I know.

by Xoros 9y ago

deleted 9y ago

[deleted]

nolok 9y ago

I can 100% relate. And sadly getting the people around you to understand is not easy at all. How do you tell the people around you that telling you you're good/talented/gifted, and acting like you are by default, is hurting you. That when there is any kind of challenge to do, "yeah it's hard but I'm sure nolok can do it" being the go to expected comment has long term effects. Even in my current adult situation, my friends answer when we talk about it goes something like "oh yeah poor you, not having to kill yourself working all week because you can do it in a few hours, and then being forced to relax and not do work stuff for days ! I would cry for you, if I didn't have to go back to work for my daily 6 hours shift for half your salary." And I can't even say I don't get why they don't understand it, I totally do, but it hurts nonetheless. The only ones who truly know how much it gets to me are my girlfriend and close family (parents, brother, ...), and after a while you feel like you're complaining about nothing while others have real issues.

pmtarantino 9y ago
I didnt know I had this problem until I read you. Thanks for putting into words something I felt but I didnt know how to describe it. Thanks. Any advice on how to solve it or feel better or anything?
- Jemmeh 9y ago
  I think there are a lot of different reasons someone might feel that way, but for me learning about proper studying techniques helped a lot. I'm fine with people having high expectations of me, I think it's when I feel that I can't live up to them that there's pressure that others will "shrug" off as if it's easy. With real tangible study techniques and not just vague general cleverness I feel like I can meet those challenges head on, like I have an actual plan to stand on. The Learning How To Learn course is a good start on this, but I've found a lot of different things on youtube. https://www.coursera.org/learn/learning-how-to-learn https://www.coursera.org/learn/learning-how-to-learn Another thing was I felt like people were shrugging off my hard work because I made it look easy and there's 3 things for that -- A.) realize people are focused on their own life, they aren't going to understand everything going on in yours and B.) Stop being silent about your hard work. Even if it's just to some of your close friends, having some people realize you work hard too is nice. C.) Talk to people (like here on HN) with the same problem as you. I'm in some entrepreneur groups on Facebook and it is SO nice to have like minded people with similar problems to talk to or read about.
graphitezepp 9y ago
Feeling guilt over a sense of complaining about nothing has been a recurring theme for me. It is almost impossible to get people to understand problems that don't impede traditional 'success'.
Allower 9y ago
Yup. lifes a bitch. and people are assholes
TeMPOraL 9y ago
> after a while you feel like you're complaining about nothing while others have real issues That's probably why I tend to vent out here instead of to my family. We're not rich. One of my siblings is finishing their medical studies, and struggling with the fact that in our area, it's mostly a thankless job for shit pay. The other one is on a path that probably won't bring much riches either. My SO works twice as hard as I do for half the pay. I just can't talk about my job to those closest to me, because from the point of view of general society, I'm the lucky one who has a well-paying job sitting in front of computer all day, with plenty of time to goof around. I try to help them all as much as I can, both materially and in terms of finding access to education and better opportunities. But it doesn't make me feel any less guilty that I happened to luck into a good job by the virtue of my teenage hobby turning out to be a great career choice. Here, at least, there are other people who can relate. The jobs I've experienced are boring and soul-suckingly pointless. It's hard to find a meaningful one, when most of the industry is just about making rich people richer. Also, I suspect that learning how to program in my teenage years hurt me in terms of job satisfaction as well - the novelty of making computers do things has long worn off, so (unlike some people I work with) I don't get happy and excited that I can use the new bloated framework X and finally get to use generic types like a boss, or whatevs. Except I suppose the same is true for most people in most other jobs. But they are too busy making ends meet to complain about the job being bullshit.

tappio 9y ago

It is very interesting to find discussion on this. We have actually a group of friends who are all kinda connected with this same issue more or less. We have only recently started to discuss it; framing it "lazy smart" people. Part of our group never got back on track in life despite "high iq". The reality kinda came after people got to good universities and realised that you have to work to progress. Finding motivation to gradute seems impossible when you are used to get everything without effort.

Varcht 9y ago
I call it "lazy genuis". I'm pretty old now (50) and experiencing burnout for the first time. Fwiw I've always been mildly successful rising to the upper grades of 3 different fields, draftsman, CG (Technical Director) and programmer (I hold the Architect title now) all self taught. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, I don't. I guess just know you are not alone.
- robertlagrant 9y ago
  50 isn't old, and well done for achieving success in different areas of work!

ambivalents 9y ago

Yes. This has been a problem for me for most of my adult life. I coasted through grade school, college. Most things came easily, naturally. It all came crashing down for me, though, when I got my first semester law school grades back. For the first time in my life I did poorly, when I expected to do just as well as I had done before. It is not an exaggeration to say my entire sense of self erupted beneath me. I became depressed, anxious. I withdrew completely. I ended up dropping out of school. I am still recovering. This sort of problem doesn't get much sympathy until it's too late. I hope gifted kids get more support these days. I found some hope in the work of Carol Dweck and her book, "Mindset." All my life I had been told how smart and talented I was. I adopted this "fixed" mindset about myself, and when it was contested, I broke. Adopting a "growth" mindset is a much more sustainable, workable model. I highly recommend looking into Dweck's work for anyone who might be struggling in this vein.

fujiters 9y ago
But how do you really adopt this mindset? I can't get over the feeling that it's only a helpful lie (it's better for you if you believe it even if it's not true) which keeps me from really buying in.

erobbins 9y ago

Wow, I totally identify. I like to joke that I've done "less with more" than anyone else I know.