4 ms·

Could you give us some examples of condescending remarks that have been made but which weren't intended to offend?

by warwick 16y ago

saikat 16y ago
One example - at a "nerd" event a couple weeks ago, one of the speakers said something to the effect of "it's really great to see all of you and your girlfriends at this event." Usually it's small assumptions like this. Another thing I've noticed, though without specific examples, is that people seem to assume girls at a hacker meetup aren't coders or will tend to give more attention to guys when discussions get technical. But of course this doesn't apply to everyone.
- ahoyhere 16y ago
  The critical mistake is assuming that this is sexist. It's not. It's basic pattern-seeking, a simple and harmless assumption. Getting all up in arms over it is worthless! Everybody makes a million assumptions about other people every day -- you can't get around it, there are simply too damn many people that you come across to consider every one as if he/she were the first you'd ever seen. Sexism - and condescension - would imply they were saying things, or acting, in a way that said they didn't believe women were capable.
  - ahoyhere 16y ago
    Downvote me all you like, but I'm a successful woman developer and I'm the one saying it! I can't tell you how often I see women crying "sexism" and making themselves feel like victims, instead of just accepting that _people make assumptions with no ill intent whatsoever_. And I've overheard women speakers at conferences complaining about how sexist the board is, because their talks were rejected, when I was the one rejecting them because their talk proposals were off-topic, uninteresting and poorly put together... Real sexism is vicious. Normal, well-meaning human foibles are not. Conflate the two, and you impair your own ability to function in life.
  - saikat 16y ago
    The question I was answering was not "What are some sexist remarks you have heard" but "Could you give us some examples of condescending remarks that have been made but which weren't intended to offend?" It's great if these kinds of comments don't bother you (I'm not a woman developer), but I know it would annoy me if every hacker meetup I went to, people had a greater tendency to dismiss things that I was saying partly because I was a woman, even if they didn't realize they were doing it.
    - ahoyhere 16y ago
      She didn't say that people dismissed her remarks, once she actually started speaking, or that they treated her unkindly after they realized she was a developer. The way I read it was that people assumed - before she opened her mouth - that she was a girlfriend/wife who came with. That's not offensive. That's just statistics.

Could you give us some examples of condescending remarks that have been made but which weren't intended to offend?

by warwick 16y ago

Could you give us some examples of condescending remarks that have been made but which weren't intended to offend?

One example - at a "nerd" event a couple weeks ago, one of the speakers said something to the effect of "it's really great to see all of you and your girlfriends at this event." Usually it's small assumptions like this. Another thing I've noticed, though without specific examples, is that people seem to assume girls at a hacker meetup aren't coders or will tend to give more attention to guys when discussions get technical. But of course this doesn't apply to everyone.

ahoyhere 16y ago
The critical mistake is assuming that this is sexist. It's not. It's basic pattern-seeking, a simple and harmless assumption. Getting all up in arms over it is worthless! Everybody makes a million assumptions about other people every day -- you can't get around it, there are simply too damn many people that you come across to consider every one as if he/she were the first you'd ever seen. Sexism - and condescension - would imply they were saying things, or acting, in a way that said they didn't believe women were capable.
- ahoyhere 16y ago
  Downvote me all you like, but I'm a successful woman developer and I'm the one saying it! I can't tell you how often I see women crying "sexism" and making themselves feel like victims, instead of just accepting that _people make assumptions with no ill intent whatsoever_. And I've overheard women speakers at conferences complaining about how sexist the board is, because their talks were rejected, when I was the one rejecting them because their talk proposals were off-topic, uninteresting and poorly put together... Real sexism is vicious. Normal, well-meaning human foibles are not. Conflate the two, and you impair your own ability to function in life.
- saikat 16y ago
  The question I was answering was not "What are some sexist remarks you have heard" but "Could you give us some examples of condescending remarks that have been made but which weren't intended to offend?" It's great if these kinds of comments don't bother you (I'm not a woman developer), but I know it would annoy me if every hacker meetup I went to, people had a greater tendency to dismiss things that I was saying partly because I was a woman, even if they didn't realize they were doing it.
  - ahoyhere 16y ago
    She didn't say that people dismissed her remarks, once she actually started speaking, or that they treated her unkindly after they realized she was a developer. The way I read it was that people assumed - before she opened her mouth - that she was a girlfriend/wife who came with. That's not offensive. That's just statistics.