4 ms·

This sort of attitude is extremely toxic. Hey, guess what happens when you tell someone you work in programming in a large (tech) city? They immediately write

This sort of attitude is extremely toxic. Hey, guess what happens when you tell someone you work in programming in a large (tech) city? They immediately write you out of their life as someone who is A) boring and B) working 24/7 anyways. Typecasting sucks.

hyperbovine 9y ago
Did you not just typecast everybody who gets told you work in programming in a large city?
- leggomylibro 9y ago
  I've been trying to meet new people for 3 years straight after moving to a new city with lots of programmers. It's anecdotal, but I'm speaking from experience. I don't know anybody in this city who I don't work with. I have never had more than one conversation with someone who I wasn't about to pay for something. It's awful. It's so lonely. And I've never run into this issue in other places. I work less than 9-5 and have hobbies outside of work, but...nothing.
  - _sdegutis 9y ago
    Have you tried going to local public social events? Have you tried avoiding mentioning your job and just say you work in IT? I'm not saying these will work, just brainstorming ideas. If you figure out the public venues where people with similar interests as you hang out, it might be easier to go and meet them without discussing work.
    - leggomylibro 9y ago
      Yes - for years. It would help if I could find anyone who shared my interests, or if people showed up to recurring events for generic interests like board games or hikes more than once or twice. There's a big problem with taking a city and shoving a bunch of milquetoast bland new grads in. People hate them, and eventually grow a filter to just ignore them. You'll never convince them that you're any different; it's a waste of time trying.
      - kelnos 9y ago
        > It would help if I could find anyone who shared my interests I think that's the main problem. If you found people who shared your interests, it wouldn't matter what they thought about your job. Assuming there really isn't anyone in your city that shares your interests (or few enough that means finding them is prohibitively difficult), then your only recourse might be to move elsewhere... absent finding new interests, heh.
        leggomylibro 9y ago
        Yyyyup, I'm coming to the same conclusion. Just gotta wait out some leases, and that'll mean a bit more stock before I split anyways.
      - _sdegutis 9y ago
        Sorry to hear that. Have you tried less conventional meeting places like local church events or book clubs at your public library?
        ansible 9y ago
        To add to the list: Take an art class. It doesn't matter if you can't draw worth a darn. Just try. Or some other class that interests you.
        leggomylibro 9y ago
        我二年学了中文，可是没有人今天给我叫。 And then the third class was cancelled for lack of sign-ups. I have BEEN trying, constantly, and it doesn't matter at all.
        jacalata 9y ago
        Have you tried therapy? Because I moved here as a new grad, I know a bunch of others who moved here as new grads to work at Microsoft and Amazon, and almost none of them have ended up entirely shunned by the city. (Exactly one guy I know describes it the way you do, in fact. And I don't hang out with him because he's really prickly and difficult not to offend.)
  - rootsudo 9y ago
    Is it a fun big city or rural midwest? I've never run into this issue. But, not making friends in a new city may just mean it's a personality issue vs a friend making issue. Have you tried dating apps? They have a friend option.
    - leggomylibro 9y ago
      It's a fun city; I'd love it if not for the people. It's baffling and honestly distressing; I've made friends before in other places. I don't have political views anathema to how most people in the area think. I try to be respectful and unobtrusive and kind. I honestly moved here thinking it'd be full of weirdos like me. I dunno, maybe that's the problem. And don't even get me started on dating apps.
      - mercer 9y ago
        This fascinates me so I'd really like to hear more! Do you have any idea what might be the difference in this situation compared to other places? Just off the top of my head one thing that comes to mind is that age might play a role. I've noticed that making new friends in a new place has been more difficult since I entered my thirties. Another could definitely be culture. While I believe almost every city beyond a certain size will have 'pockets' of particular types of people, and thus that it should be possible to make friends anywhere, I've definitely found that in some places my kind of crowd is kind of 'hidden' within the more popular culture(s). This seems to be more an issue in smaller cities, but still.
        leggomylibro 9y ago
        Thanks, but I'll pass on being your specimen. It's fucking depressing, why would you be fascinated and want to know more? NOBODY is fascinated or wants to know more about me, what's your angle?
        mercer 9y ago
        My angle is that I myself struggle with this too. And I've met quite a few people who struggle with similar issues. And 'loneliness' as a more general topic has been a central 'interest' in my life precisely because I know how terrible the feeling is, and because it's perhaps the worst feeling I've had in my life so far. Anyways, I didn't mean to insult you or treat you like a specimen, so I'm sorry if that's how I came across. I'd honestly love to talk about this more if you're open to it. If so, you can find my email address on my profile. Again, sorry for upsetting you! I hope things improve for you.
  - throwaway-1111 9y ago
    Hey, I'm sorry to hear that Seattle is that way for you. I moved to Redmond around a month ago and have had a similar experience - colleagues rather than friends. I agree that going to art classes, language classes, etc are a good way to meet people - I do wonder if the people there are more likely to want to discuss their passions rather than their jobs (hopefully). Might even be less flaky since it's hopefully activities they find more interesting than work. If you want someone to talk to in the area, feel free to shoot me an email (throwaway account here).
  - mleonhard 9y ago
    I had a similar experience in Seattle in 2007-2010. "Seattle Chill" is real. San Francisco is great tho.
sotojuan 9y ago
This has never happened to me in either dating or friendship (in NYC).
- leggomylibro 9y ago
  I guess I should have been more specific; I'm talking about cities where programming and tech are the major growing employment markets like SF. NYC is a much more stable and healthy area.
  - kelnos 9y ago
    Ah, SF. I live in SF (and am a programmer) and don't see this problem. I think I just don't use work as a focus for conversations with new people. If it comes up (with someone I can reasonably guess isn't in tech), I'll usually just self-deprecatingly say something like "oh, yeah, I'm just another one of those software people", and then move on to another topic. I've never had anyone push me to focus on it and vent their frustrations on "tech people", or even just dismiss me because of my job.
Floegipoky 9y ago
Which city?
- leggomylibro 9y ago
  Seattle. Abandon hope, all ye who enter.
  - selimthegrim 9y ago
    Reading your comments was an uncomfortable reminder of my 2.5 years in Portland in tech (and I had family there). I was like, "this is probably Seattle"
    - leggomylibro 9y ago
      Yeah. I'm probably going back to the East Coast in a year or so.
    - icynw 9y ago
      same across portland, seattle and vancouver canada. I think it is something to do with the weather, like the "umbrella" effect. Disappears once you go somewhere more sunny. http://www.seattletimes.com/pacific-nw-magazine/if-you-werenrsquot-born-in-seattle-or-the-northwest-yoursquoll-never-be-one-of-us/ http://www.seattletimes.com/pacific-nw-magazine/if-you-weren...
    - tspike 9y ago
      It's a thing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seattle_Freeze https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seattle_Freeze
  - umanwizard 9y ago
    I already knew you were in Seattle from your other comments before I scrolled down to this one. Just move to New York.
    - leggomylibro 9y ago
marssaxman 9y ago
That's not been my experience of Seattle at all. One of the reasons I have stayed here so long is that there's so much cultural overlap between techies, artists, musicians, burners, etc. Maybe this is something that has been changing recently - I hear people griping about "brogrammers" now, though I've never actually met one, so far as I know. And perhaps Burning Man culture is not the binding force it used to be, now that the event has gone mainstream. It did take me at least a year before I really started making any friends here, but my experience has been that... once you find your way in, you're in.
- leggomylibro 9y ago
  >I hear people griping about "brogrammers" now, though I've never actually met one, so far as I know. Yep, that's been 100% my experience. I don't know what a "brogrammer" is, only that apparently I am one and they are scum. And I've been here for 3 years. It's been getting worse; two years ago people would at least talk to me for more than a few minutes at a time. One year ago people would grudgingly give me a chance, but you could see them clocking out once tech stuff came up. This year, the resentment is palpable. And I'm so tired of putting in so much and ... I just can't do this anymore.
  - lawnchair_larry 9y ago
    Can you blame them? You took their homes. I would resent anybody who took my home.
    - leggomylibro 9y ago
      Yes, I can. I didn't take shit; I don't own property, and at this rate, their precious houses are in no danger from me. So mission accomplished; congratufuckinglations. And I'll bet you dislike Trump's anti-immigration policies, to boot. So do I, but unlike people here I put my money where my mouth is.
      - jacalata 9y ago
        What is that even supposed to mean? You donated money to immigrants, maybe? Unlike what you imagine other Seattlites do? Also, it's silly to think that you'd have to own a house to be part of the "taking their homes" equation.

hyperbovine 9y ago

Did you not just typecast everybody who gets told you work in programming in a large city?

leggomylibro 9y ago
I've been trying to meet new people for 3 years straight after moving to a new city with lots of programmers. It's anecdotal, but I'm speaking from experience. I don't know anybody in this city who I don't work with. I have never had more than one conversation with someone who I wasn't about to pay for something. It's awful. It's so lonely. And I've never run into this issue in other places. I work less than 9-5 and have hobbies outside of work, but...nothing.
- _sdegutis 9y ago
  Have you tried going to local public social events? Have you tried avoiding mentioning your job and just say you work in IT? I'm not saying these will work, just brainstorming ideas. If you figure out the public venues where people with similar interests as you hang out, it might be easier to go and meet them without discussing work.
  - leggomylibro 9y ago
    Yes - for years. It would help if I could find anyone who shared my interests, or if people showed up to recurring events for generic interests like board games or hikes more than once or twice. There's a big problem with taking a city and shoving a bunch of milquetoast bland new grads in. People hate them, and eventually grow a filter to just ignore them. You'll never convince them that you're any different; it's a waste of time trying.
    - kelnos 9y ago
      > It would help if I could find anyone who shared my interests I think that's the main problem. If you found people who shared your interests, it wouldn't matter what they thought about your job. Assuming there really isn't anyone in your city that shares your interests (or few enough that means finding them is prohibitively difficult), then your only recourse might be to move elsewhere... absent finding new interests, heh.
      - leggomylibro 9y ago
        Yyyyup, I'm coming to the same conclusion. Just gotta wait out some leases, and that'll mean a bit more stock before I split anyways.
    - _sdegutis 9y ago
      Sorry to hear that. Have you tried less conventional meeting places like local church events or book clubs at your public library?
      - ansible 9y ago
        To add to the list: Take an art class. It doesn't matter if you can't draw worth a darn. Just try. Or some other class that interests you.
        leggomylibro 9y ago
        我二年学了中文，可是没有人今天给我叫。 And then the third class was cancelled for lack of sign-ups. I have BEEN trying, constantly, and it doesn't matter at all.
        jacalata 9y ago
        Have you tried therapy? Because I moved here as a new grad, I know a bunch of others who moved here as new grads to work at Microsoft and Amazon, and almost none of them have ended up entirely shunned by the city. (Exactly one guy I know describes it the way you do, in fact. And I don't hang out with him because he's really prickly and difficult not to offend.)
- rootsudo 9y ago
  Is it a fun big city or rural midwest? I've never run into this issue. But, not making friends in a new city may just mean it's a personality issue vs a friend making issue. Have you tried dating apps? They have a friend option.
  - leggomylibro 9y ago
    It's a fun city; I'd love it if not for the people. It's baffling and honestly distressing; I've made friends before in other places. I don't have political views anathema to how most people in the area think. I try to be respectful and unobtrusive and kind. I honestly moved here thinking it'd be full of weirdos like me. I dunno, maybe that's the problem. And don't even get me started on dating apps.
    - mercer 9y ago
      This fascinates me so I'd really like to hear more! Do you have any idea what might be the difference in this situation compared to other places? Just off the top of my head one thing that comes to mind is that age might play a role. I've noticed that making new friends in a new place has been more difficult since I entered my thirties. Another could definitely be culture. While I believe almost every city beyond a certain size will have 'pockets' of particular types of people, and thus that it should be possible to make friends anywhere, I've definitely found that in some places my kind of crowd is kind of 'hidden' within the more popular culture(s). This seems to be more an issue in smaller cities, but still.
      - leggomylibro 9y ago
        Thanks, but I'll pass on being your specimen. It's fucking depressing, why would you be fascinated and want to know more? NOBODY is fascinated or wants to know more about me, what's your angle?
        mercer 9y ago
        My angle is that I myself struggle with this too. And I've met quite a few people who struggle with similar issues. And 'loneliness' as a more general topic has been a central 'interest' in my life precisely because I know how terrible the feeling is, and because it's perhaps the worst feeling I've had in my life so far. Anyways, I didn't mean to insult you or treat you like a specimen, so I'm sorry if that's how I came across. I'd honestly love to talk about this more if you're open to it. If so, you can find my email address on my profile. Again, sorry for upsetting you! I hope things improve for you.
- throwaway-1111 9y ago
  Hey, I'm sorry to hear that Seattle is that way for you. I moved to Redmond around a month ago and have had a similar experience - colleagues rather than friends. I agree that going to art classes, language classes, etc are a good way to meet people - I do wonder if the people there are more likely to want to discuss their passions rather than their jobs (hopefully). Might even be less flaky since it's hopefully activities they find more interesting than work. If you want someone to talk to in the area, feel free to shoot me an email (throwaway account here).
- mleonhard 9y ago
  I had a similar experience in Seattle in 2007-2010. "Seattle Chill" is real. San Francisco is great tho.

sotojuan 9y ago

This has never happened to me in either dating or friendship (in NYC).

leggomylibro 9y ago
I guess I should have been more specific; I'm talking about cities where programming and tech are the major growing employment markets like SF. NYC is a much more stable and healthy area.
- kelnos 9y ago
  Ah, SF. I live in SF (and am a programmer) and don't see this problem. I think I just don't use work as a focus for conversations with new people. If it comes up (with someone I can reasonably guess isn't in tech), I'll usually just self-deprecatingly say something like "oh, yeah, I'm just another one of those software people", and then move on to another topic. I've never had anyone push me to focus on it and vent their frustrations on "tech people", or even just dismiss me because of my job.

Floegipoky 9y ago

Which city?

leggomylibro 9y ago
Seattle. Abandon hope, all ye who enter.
- selimthegrim 9y ago
  Reading your comments was an uncomfortable reminder of my 2.5 years in Portland in tech (and I had family there). I was like, "this is probably Seattle"
  - leggomylibro 9y ago
    Yeah. I'm probably going back to the East Coast in a year or so.
  - icynw 9y ago
    same across portland, seattle and vancouver canada. I think it is something to do with the weather, like the "umbrella" effect. Disappears once you go somewhere more sunny. http://www.seattletimes.com/pacific-nw-magazine/if-you-werenrsquot-born-in-seattle-or-the-northwest-yoursquoll-never-be-one-of-us/ http://www.seattletimes.com/pacific-nw-magazine/if-you-weren...
  - tspike 9y ago
    It's a thing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seattle_Freeze https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seattle_Freeze
- umanwizard 9y ago
  I already knew you were in Seattle from your other comments before I scrolled down to this one. Just move to New York.
  - leggomylibro 9y ago

marssaxman 9y ago

That's not been my experience of Seattle at all. One of the reasons I have stayed here so long is that there's so much cultural overlap between techies, artists, musicians, burners, etc. Maybe this is something that has been changing recently - I hear people griping about "brogrammers" now, though I've never actually met one, so far as I know. And perhaps Burning Man culture is not the binding force it used to be, now that the event has gone mainstream. It did take me at least a year before I really started making any friends here, but my experience has been that... once you find your way in, you're in.

leggomylibro 9y ago
>I hear people griping about "brogrammers" now, though I've never actually met one, so far as I know. Yep, that's been 100% my experience. I don't know what a "brogrammer" is, only that apparently I am one and they are scum. And I've been here for 3 years. It's been getting worse; two years ago people would at least talk to me for more than a few minutes at a time. One year ago people would grudgingly give me a chance, but you could see them clocking out once tech stuff came up. This year, the resentment is palpable. And I'm so tired of putting in so much and ... I just can't do this anymore.
- lawnchair_larry 9y ago
  Can you blame them? You took their homes. I would resent anybody who took my home.
  - leggomylibro 9y ago
    Yes, I can. I didn't take shit; I don't own property, and at this rate, their precious houses are in no danger from me. So mission accomplished; congratufuckinglations. And I'll bet you dislike Trump's anti-immigration policies, to boot. So do I, but unlike people here I put my money where my mouth is.
    - jacalata 9y ago
      What is that even supposed to mean? You donated money to immigrants, maybe? Unlike what you imagine other Seattlites do? Also, it's silly to think that you'd have to own a house to be part of the "taking their homes" equation.