3 ms·

Nerdy Boys, Fat Girls, and Access to Sex

38 points by stared 9y ago

nicolashahn 9y ago
Pretty roundabout way of saying that unattractive people feel worthless because they don't have as much value to bring to dating because people don't want to have sex with them. Past that trivially obvious statement, I'm not sure what the greater insight is supposed to be.
- tzar 9y ago
  I don't think that's the thrust of the article. The perspective here seems to be a Marxian interpretation of attractiveness as the “socially necessary labor” that confers its value in the relationship economy, rather than something that's correlated with utility.
guskel 9y ago
I disagree that nerd fears are different than fat girl fears. The article lists the following as fat girl fears: >fear of being (physically) unattractive and fear of unemotional relationships (often linked with a third element — fear of being assertive). These are usually the same fears that nerds have. Nerds are afraid of being assertive because from their experiences in the past, being assertive gets them mocked or shut down. Nerds are constantly reminded how they are physically unattractive. The article mentions physical inadequacy but this is really just the same as physical unattractiveness. >If you believe that you’re physically inadequate and therefore you might fail in approaching a potential dating partner, the disappointed emotions that can arise from that are precisely the kind that would have gotten your ass handed to you when you were younger. The entire process could open you to ridicule (think the famous quote about men being afraid that women will laugh at them) and so you don’t even try. You stay stuck. I think the article fails to acknowledge here that nerdy men do actually approach women and women actually do laugh at them. The problem isn't a lack of approaching, it's a lack of attractiveness. For unattractive nerdy men, it's not just a "belief" that they are unattractive, they actually are unattractive.
- captainmuon 9y ago
  There is also the fear of "nerdy" (or just insecure) men of coming across as creepy, or inappropriate, or harassing. As a result, they are not assertive enough. It's more than just fear of being rejected. I don't think this has an exact equivalent for women - while women can also be afraid of coming on too strong, I think the fear behind it is different. (Also, many confident men seem to be entirely devoid of this kind of fear, and as a result unfortunately really act creepily or become "pick-up-artists"... but that is a different topic.)
wand3r 9y ago
the article includes some interesting insights but doesnt develop on them IMO. Women seem to own the social kingdom well men own the financial/corporate/professional one generally. Just as in the workforce women can be passed over with equal qualifications for a job, men of equal "attractiveness" have a much more difficult time getting sex. Obviously, industry and society vary but i think this is the same issue: societal roles. Feminism in its new age way seems to demand equality in the workforce, inequality here IMO stems from historical roles. I think woman have as much trouble breaking into top roles as men do on getting an attractive date on tinder. I see these roles changing and the anecdotal evidence suggests this but we will see.

38 points by stared 9y ago

Pretty roundabout way of saying that unattractive people feel worthless because they don't have as much value to bring to dating because people don't want to have sex with them. Past that trivially obvious statement, I'm not sure what the greater insight is supposed to be.

tzar 9y ago
I don't think that's the thrust of the article. The perspective here seems to be a Marxian interpretation of attractiveness as the “socially necessary labor” that confers its value in the relationship economy, rather than something that's correlated with utility.

guskel 9y ago

I disagree that nerd fears are different than fat girl fears. The article lists the following as fat girl fears: >fear of being (physically) unattractive and fear of unemotional relationships (often linked with a third element — fear of being assertive). These are usually the same fears that nerds have. Nerds are afraid of being assertive because from their experiences in the past, being assertive gets them mocked or shut down. Nerds are constantly reminded how they are physically unattractive. The article mentions physical inadequacy but this is really just the same as physical unattractiveness. >If you believe that you’re physically inadequate and therefore you might fail in approaching a potential dating partner, the disappointed emotions that can arise from that are precisely the kind that would have gotten your ass handed to you when you were younger. The entire process could open you to ridicule (think the famous quote about men being afraid that women will laugh at them) and so you don’t even try. You stay stuck. I think the article fails to acknowledge here that nerdy men do actually approach women and women actually do laugh at them. The problem isn't a lack of approaching, it's a lack of attractiveness. For unattractive nerdy men, it's not just a "belief" that they are unattractive, they actually are unattractive.

captainmuon 9y ago
There is also the fear of "nerdy" (or just insecure) men of coming across as creepy, or inappropriate, or harassing. As a result, they are not assertive enough. It's more than just fear of being rejected. I don't think this has an exact equivalent for women - while women can also be afraid of coming on too strong, I think the fear behind it is different. (Also, many confident men seem to be entirely devoid of this kind of fear, and as a result unfortunately really act creepily or become "pick-up-artists"... but that is a different topic.)

wand3r 9y ago

the article includes some interesting insights but doesnt develop on them IMO. Women seem to own the social kingdom well men own the financial/corporate/professional one generally. Just as in the workforce women can be passed over with equal qualifications for a job, men of equal "attractiveness" have a much more difficult time getting sex. Obviously, industry and society vary but i think this is the same issue: societal roles. Feminism in its new age way seems to demand equality in the workforce, inequality here IMO stems from historical roles. I think woman have as much trouble breaking into top roles as men do on getting an attractive date on tinder. I see these roles changing and the anecdotal evidence suggests this but we will see.