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It's happening right now, for me. Burnout feels like having no purchase on life, nothing making sense, no creativity, no joy, just fleeting comforts amid growin

It's happening right now, for me. Burnout feels like having no purchase on life, nothing making sense, no creativity, no joy, just fleeting comforts amid growing and deepening discomfort. The way I see it, this kind of tiredness can't be met by a good night's sleep. It's a tiredness of the soul. Sadly, what I have found is that to cope with the tiredness, boredom, stress and loneliness of my 'successful' life, I have turned time and time again to pornography. My use has spiralled and includes really quite violent, and in some cases illegal, stuff. And I have hated myself for it. I don't even enjoy it. The problem is that the porn addiction itself exacerbated and accelerated the burnout process, and further isolated me. Now I have decided to take some time out, with friends and well away from any internet connection, to break the cycle and re-sensitize myself. I need to breathe and feel my body again and feel connected to life and other people. In a few days I will be away from the Internet in a beautiful place in nature with good, supportive people to be with me. And for the first time, I intend to be open and share this struggle and let them know really how dark it has gotten in here.

simbyotic 9y ago
This should be obvious but you need professional help ASAP. Take care of yourself.
mkbnnh 9y ago
Gross.
ZenoArrow 9y ago
I'm glad you're opening up about what you're going through. It doesn't fix everything overnight, but it is the first major step on the road to recovery. Digital detox definitely sounds like a good idea, especially as it'll help you to break your porn habits. To be honest, the way you describe your burnout seems very close to depression. I'd echo what simbyotic has suggested, in that it's good to reach out for professional help. Support from family and friends is invaluable, but a therapist you feel comfortable with may help you connect the dots in a more complete way. I hope you find the digital detox gives you a fresh perspective on how your life can move forward, and helps you start healthier habits. We may not know each other, but I felt empathy reading your story, and I wish you the best of luck with the next chapter.
- throwaway378037 9y ago
  Thank you for the kind words. I have been having professional help for a while and it took some time to really open up about the issues, but it's a really positive thing.
nnd 9y ago
Social isolation could be the cause of your addiction. I’d recommend going to a meditation retreat.
levimaes 9y ago
What's the longest amount of time you went abstinent -- from regular masturbation, that is? If you can't remember the last time that you, either willingly or by accident (without sustained, concerted effort), then you might benefit from treating your condition as you would treat the, let's call it "condition", of exploring an unfamiliar, new language like Rust, Julia or maybe SQL. That is, maybe you can treat it like something that can be conquered with concerted effort, and with a kind of topical "syllabus" or roadmap for expanding your familiarity with the "subject" and "practice" of being abstinent from auto-stimulation or masturbation. Maybe you will begin to see this problem which has plagued you and many other alike since youth as what is really is: Many different problem-types, with which you can familiarize yourself through structured exercise, just as you would exercise familiarity with written composition, software design or design OSS or pet software products. That is, maybe you can steer into what you've been evading your whole life (or your adult life), and treat with more of a nonchalant, indifferent, bordering on optimistic temperament; give it a goddamned name, examine get to know explicitly what it's into, when and where it's available, and what's been motivating you to conquer it like you conquered that last big thing you can think of.... (But writing this out kinda feels like an armchair prescription for another visit.) "This is Water" is a David Foster Wallace speech that isn't necessarily appropriate for this subject, but I suppose it is since, somewhere in it he says, "How to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default-setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone, day in and day out", then, "A slave to your 'Default Setting'", and ultimately onto, "[the] 'Truth' is about life Before death." In it, he eventually lands on his theme, which is that we're not alone in regularly betraying our aspirations to each of our own "examined lives", and that there's something that's inherently insidious and subversive in our unexamined, reflexive thoughts, assumptions and beliefs. He likens this tendency of ours, this "Default Setting", to an ocean's Water, of which we should remain critical, and vigilant as we navigate and observe our reflexive thoughts and reactions. He suggests that we can avoid a kind of "Waking Death" through the resilient and continued practice of modest, critical awareness and acknowledgement of our subversive tendencies.

simbyotic 9y ago

This should be obvious but you need professional help ASAP. Take care of yourself.

mkbnnh 9y ago

Gross.

ZenoArrow 9y ago

I'm glad you're opening up about what you're going through. It doesn't fix everything overnight, but it is the first major step on the road to recovery. Digital detox definitely sounds like a good idea, especially as it'll help you to break your porn habits. To be honest, the way you describe your burnout seems very close to depression. I'd echo what simbyotic has suggested, in that it's good to reach out for professional help. Support from family and friends is invaluable, but a therapist you feel comfortable with may help you connect the dots in a more complete way. I hope you find the digital detox gives you a fresh perspective on how your life can move forward, and helps you start healthier habits. We may not know each other, but I felt empathy reading your story, and I wish you the best of luck with the next chapter.

throwaway378037 9y ago
Thank you for the kind words. I have been having professional help for a while and it took some time to really open up about the issues, but it's a really positive thing.

nnd 9y ago

Social isolation could be the cause of your addiction. I’d recommend going to a meditation retreat.

levimaes 9y ago

What's the longest amount of time you went abstinent -- from regular masturbation, that is? If you can't remember the last time that you, either willingly or by accident (without sustained, concerted effort), then you might benefit from treating your condition as you would treat the, let's call it "condition", of exploring an unfamiliar, new language like Rust, Julia or maybe SQL. That is, maybe you can treat it like something that can be conquered with concerted effort, and with a kind of topical "syllabus" or roadmap for expanding your familiarity with the "subject" and "practice" of being abstinent from auto-stimulation or masturbation. Maybe you will begin to see this problem which has plagued you and many other alike since youth as what is really is: Many different problem-types, with which you can familiarize yourself through structured exercise, just as you would exercise familiarity with written composition, software design or design OSS or pet software products. That is, maybe you can steer into what you've been evading your whole life (or your adult life), and treat with more of a nonchalant, indifferent, bordering on optimistic temperament; give it a goddamned name, examine get to know explicitly what it's into, when and where it's available, and what's been motivating you to conquer it like you conquered that last big thing you can think of.... (But writing this out kinda feels like an armchair prescription for another visit.) "This is Water" is a David Foster Wallace speech that isn't necessarily appropriate for this subject, but I suppose it is since, somewhere in it he says, "How to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default-setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone, day in and day out", then, "A slave to your 'Default Setting'", and ultimately onto, "[the] 'Truth' is about life Before death." In it, he eventually lands on his theme, which is that we're not alone in regularly betraying our aspirations to each of our own "examined lives", and that there's something that's inherently insidious and subversive in our unexamined, reflexive thoughts, assumptions and beliefs. He likens this tendency of ours, this "Default Setting", to an ocean's Water, of which we should remain critical, and vigilant as we navigate and observe our reflexive thoughts and reactions. He suggests that we can avoid a kind of "Waking Death" through the resilient and continued practice of modest, critical awareness and acknowledgement of our subversive tendencies.