Then there is the kind where you are someone who can't be ignored simply because you are technically better than others around This is very much not leadership

Then there is the kind where you are someone who can't be ignored simply because you are technically better than others around This is very much not leadership; this is superiority. That can be extremely off putting if not handled rightly. Particularly if you dominate proceedings simply because of being the best. (it's difficult; I'm an excellent climber but I have to dial it back or I won't find anyone who wants to climb with me). Something doesn't add up though (and I apologise for being blunt). You are obviously confident, have an attractive body and are smart - these are traits that will attract a mate very easily! (particularly the smarts). One of two things may be happening. Perhaps you are disillusioned with dating or with women and, so, are scuppering relationships via attitude or actions. The other might be you simply have an off putting attitude without realising it when contacting women online. In fact from your post I suspect this is the problem. shrug I've been in contact with women online that are off putting with their directness and surety - even if it is them you do have to be a bit cautious when starting out a relationship. The internet is impersonal so if done wrong you can come across very easily as arrogant and superior :) Give me a few years, see if people I'm working with look up to me, and tell me I don't have the personality of a leader. I think I still won't be good enough for women though. Do I have a chip on my shoulder for this? Yes. This is, basically, your entire problem. People look up to you for many reasons - I doubt you will ever achieve the respect you want the way you are going. People will roll their eyes and say "yes X, well done" (we have people like that at work; they don't last long... My Boss commands respect in huge measure; he grafted his whole life, is very smart, very companionable, always willing to help people, always willing to listen to everyone in the firm. I suspect this is the sort of thing you are after - and be warned it takes a long time and serious, bashful effort. Tried OkCupid? For my age it is a good experience and there seems to be plenty of mid-30's on there too. It's much more relaxed.