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To put it in terms that might be more familiar around here, obsessing over finding the right partner is like believing that a successful startup is mostly about

To put it in terms that might be more familiar around here, obsessing over finding the right partner is like believing that a successful startup is mostly about finding the right idea. (And from there, it will just work out on its own...) Sure, some ideas are more likely to work out a priori, but your success is going to be dramatically influenced by the amount of work you're willing to put into it, your willingness to learn, change, and grow along the way. I'm inclined to believe that there are tons of people with whom most of us could be compatible, and each would open onto a different future and a different version of you. If you want a long-term partner, choose someone who feels promising, bring all you've got--intellect, emotions, empathy, humility--to the relationship, and stick with it.

pm90 9y ago
This is a great point. I would recommend this video by the school of life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jltM5qYn25w https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jltM5qYn25w. It basically delves a little into why our ideas or romance and love are perhaps not the best way to look at these things.
- rosege 9y ago
  and Alain de Botton's other videos under his own name are generally very good too
bhnmmhmd 9y ago
Totally agreed. I find the notion of the so-called "soul-mates" a bit absurd. People behave differently when around other people, which means they can adapt to others. Being compatible with each other is a quality which resolves many issues. I remember a few years ago, I read somewhere that the best girl you should marry is the one who if she were a guy, she'd be your "best friend".
cookiecaper 9y ago
Yes! It is all about the amount of effort and commitment that the parties (plural) are willing to put into it. Bear in mind that each part of the married couple will have decades of their own personal evolution occurring underneath the current of regular life. Opinions, beliefs, or attitudes that are strongly held at the time of marriage will change. Even if you meet the Perfect Mate (TM), no one stays static for long. Marriage, like all family living, requires a great deal of mutual toleration and patience, and a considerable amount of individual flexibility and adaptation. The Perfect Couple will fall apart in short order if they are not willing to dedicate serious effort to their relationship on a perpetual basis. Marital success has little to do with the starting material. --- For these reasons among others, I like the cultural ideal of arranged marriages. They make it clear that marriage is about the commitment itself more than it's about the personality on either side of the equation. I also believe that most of the parents or grandparents in a position to make the arrangements would have better character judgment than the much-younger people trying to select a good spousal candidate on their own (as above, "good spousal candidate" is someone eager and happy to work for a strong marriage). In some sense, it is irresponsible of the older and wiser generations to offload this duty into the hands of those who have great difficulty wielding it. And while I don't believe these arrangements should be compulsory, I think we'd all be better off if this was the common practice.
- mythrwy 9y ago
  In spite of what religious leaders (career term bureaucrats who actually don't know any better at all) may tell us, that's hardly the way to find maximum fulfillment in relationships. "Cultural harmony" aside. Lot of quite desperation and Prozac eating. And that's no way to go through life. Maybe being a homeless junkie is slightly worse. Maybe. Ya, man and women are together for sake of kids. Miserable and crazy. Which.. produces bad effects on kids. Probably more than at peace separated parents in fulfilled relationships. Like I say, God isn't talking at all to those old men. Nor are they wise. They are mostly full of bias and baloney. The idea of arranged marriages is abhorrent, very close to slavery in denying individual worth and choice. But ideally there should be some flexibility and commitment, particularly if children are involved, yes. How to find your ideal mate for lots of men? She'll have me!
  - cookiecaper 9y ago
    >In spite of what religious leaders (career term bureaucrats who actually don't know any better at all) may tell us, that's hardly the way to find maximum fulfillment in relationships. [...] Like I say, God isn't talking at all to those old men. Nor are they wise. They are mostly full of bias and baloney. I don't know what you're talking about. I said nothing about religion, and this whole paragraph is all over the map. I doubt that very many couplings, including obviously bad ones, result in desperation nearing that of "a homeless junkie" as a virtue of themselves. >The idea of arranged marriages is abhorrent, very close to slavery in denying individual worth and choice. I disagree. Please note I said the arrangement should not be compulsory. We have many social obligations that are enforced culturally (at this point, marriage itself could almost be considered among these); such customs can be flaunted at will, but there is social pressure not to do so. Progenitors are strongly motivated to make good choices on behalf of their offspring because their offspring's interest is simultaneously their own self-interest. Parents and grandparents are much more experienced than your average 20-something and generally much better equipped to make reasonable choices in mate selection, themselves typically having had some experience in the matter. >How to find your ideal mate for lots of men? She'll have me! I agree, and how does this not support what I'm saying?

pm90 9y ago

This is a great point. I would recommend this video by the school of life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jltM5qYn25w https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jltM5qYn25w. It basically delves a little into why our ideas or romance and love are perhaps not the best way to look at these things.

rosege 9y ago
and Alain de Botton's other videos under his own name are generally very good too

bhnmmhmd 9y ago

Totally agreed. I find the notion of the so-called "soul-mates" a bit absurd. People behave differently when around other people, which means they can adapt to others. Being compatible with each other is a quality which resolves many issues. I remember a few years ago, I read somewhere that the best girl you should marry is the one who if she were a guy, she'd be your "best friend".

cookiecaper 9y ago

Yes! It is all about the amount of effort and commitment that the parties (plural) are willing to put into it. Bear in mind that each part of the married couple will have decades of their own personal evolution occurring underneath the current of regular life. Opinions, beliefs, or attitudes that are strongly held at the time of marriage will change. Even if you meet the Perfect Mate (TM), no one stays static for long. Marriage, like all family living, requires a great deal of mutual toleration and patience, and a considerable amount of individual flexibility and adaptation. The Perfect Couple will fall apart in short order if they are not willing to dedicate serious effort to their relationship on a perpetual basis. Marital success has little to do with the starting material. --- For these reasons among others, I like the cultural ideal of arranged marriages. They make it clear that marriage is about the commitment itself more than it's about the personality on either side of the equation. I also believe that most of the parents or grandparents in a position to make the arrangements would have better character judgment than the much-younger people trying to select a good spousal candidate on their own (as above, "good spousal candidate" is someone eager and happy to work for a strong marriage). In some sense, it is irresponsible of the older and wiser generations to offload this duty into the hands of those who have great difficulty wielding it. And while I don't believe these arrangements should be compulsory, I think we'd all be better off if this was the common practice.

mythrwy 9y ago
In spite of what religious leaders (career term bureaucrats who actually don't know any better at all) may tell us, that's hardly the way to find maximum fulfillment in relationships. "Cultural harmony" aside. Lot of quite desperation and Prozac eating. And that's no way to go through life. Maybe being a homeless junkie is slightly worse. Maybe. Ya, man and women are together for sake of kids. Miserable and crazy. Which.. produces bad effects on kids. Probably more than at peace separated parents in fulfilled relationships. Like I say, God isn't talking at all to those old men. Nor are they wise. They are mostly full of bias and baloney. The idea of arranged marriages is abhorrent, very close to slavery in denying individual worth and choice. But ideally there should be some flexibility and commitment, particularly if children are involved, yes. How to find your ideal mate for lots of men? She'll have me!
- cookiecaper 9y ago
  >In spite of what religious leaders (career term bureaucrats who actually don't know any better at all) may tell us, that's hardly the way to find maximum fulfillment in relationships. [...] Like I say, God isn't talking at all to those old men. Nor are they wise. They are mostly full of bias and baloney. I don't know what you're talking about. I said nothing about religion, and this whole paragraph is all over the map. I doubt that very many couplings, including obviously bad ones, result in desperation nearing that of "a homeless junkie" as a virtue of themselves. >The idea of arranged marriages is abhorrent, very close to slavery in denying individual worth and choice. I disagree. Please note I said the arrangement should not be compulsory. We have many social obligations that are enforced culturally (at this point, marriage itself could almost be considered among these); such customs can be flaunted at will, but there is social pressure not to do so. Progenitors are strongly motivated to make good choices on behalf of their offspring because their offspring's interest is simultaneously their own self-interest. Parents and grandparents are much more experienced than your average 20-something and generally much better equipped to make reasonable choices in mate selection, themselves typically having had some experience in the matter. >How to find your ideal mate for lots of men? She'll have me! I agree, and how does this not support what I'm saying?