4 ms·

Sounds great if you have lots of options. Some of us are getting older and haven't made it past anyone else's filter. At some point your will to just try and ma

by xupybd 9y ago

Sounds great if you have lots of options. Some of us are getting older and haven't made it past anyone else's filter. At some point your will to just try and make it work regardless of the match.

toomuchtodo 9y ago
Everyone selects someone who isn't perfect, but good enough. 7 billion people in the world, a better match is out there for everyone, but is it worth the effort if you can't find them? Probably not. Wait But Why covers this pretty well also: Happiness is reality minus expectations. Its up to you to be content with what you have and what you can realistically achieve.
- unit91 9y ago
  > Everyone selects someone who isn't perfect My wife didn't. :-)
erikpukinskis 9y ago
The only place I think that really applies is if you're in a small town. If you can't get past the first few dates after trying with 10-20 candidates in a big city (requiring 100-200 solicitations), you're probably facing one of a few very solvable problems, off the top of my head: - fails at basic hygiene (solved by showers, haircuts, clothes, cleaning your room, home improvement projects, eating vegetables, etc) - fails at basic rapport (solved by practicing with non-romantic partners) - underlying mental health issues (solved by your therapist/psychiatrist) - fails at having an appealing life to join (solved by identifying personal goals and practicing working towards them) There are exceptions, of people who are extremely physically unattractive, or who have truly insoluble mental health issues. But it's a really tiny percentage of people. I'm talking you literally make babies cry with your appearance, or you have a history of torturing animals, or something like that. Most people have just a couple of actual dealbreaking items on their filter, so out of 20 candidates there should be one or two whose filters are on things you accidentally do right. And I'm not saying those four things I listed above are quick to solve. They take time. It might take 2 years of daily effort. I'm just saying they're easy to solve: there's no trick. Anyone who can bake a cake can do the steps necessary to solve them.
- sliverstorm 9y ago
  There's maybe a 5th category: - fails to recognize good candidates (solved by more dating) It's easy to wind up barking up the wrong tree because you haven't figured out what is really important to you, as well as how to find it.
  - PrefixKitten 9y ago
    One problem I have is that I'll never get the chance to date enough people to discover what qualities I like in women.
    - sliverstorm 9y ago
      Why on earth not? Various networks offer anybody the opportunity to go on many first dates with many people. It takes some effort, and you have to learn how to come across well & take good photos & stuff, but few people have all doors shut to them. I see you commented elsewhere you get few matches- why is that? Figure that out, fix that. Dating isn't take-it-or-leave-it, it's a life journey that most certainly includes working on yourself.
      - PrefixKitten 9y ago
        >Various networks offer anybody the opportunity to go on many first dates with many people. Not if those people refuse to go on dates with the person. >why is that? No idea. I'm supposedly really attractive. If there's an answer I don't have a way of finding it out. >it's a life journey that most certainly includes working on yourself. Well I can't get in much better shape than I already am, I could make more money but I'm already making enough that that shouldn't be holding me back any. On paper there's basically nothing wrong with me.
        sliverstorm 9y ago
        It sounds like the first step might be opening your mind to the possibility there are things you could do better that you haven't already thought of. Do you know how to take good pictures of yourself? (That other people like?) Are you a good writer? Both of these, for example, are great skills to brush up on for dating networks.
sliverstorm 9y ago
You aren't wrong, but (at the risk of stating an obvious strategy) perhaps you'd be happier in the long run investing that effort into making yourself an attractive match, instead of making a bad match bearable? Double-bonus in that investing in yourself leaves you better off & happy, with or without a match. Personal experience, after devoting my soul to my degree, I graduated a likable, intelligent, boring person. It took many years of purposefully expanding my horizons, to get beyond that.

by xupybd 9y ago

Sounds great if you have lots of options. Some of us are getting older and haven't made it past anyone else's filter. At some point your will to just try and make it work regardless of the match.

toomuchtodo 9y ago

Everyone selects someone who isn't perfect, but good enough. 7 billion people in the world, a better match is out there for everyone, but is it worth the effort if you can't find them? Probably not. Wait But Why covers this pretty well also: Happiness is reality minus expectations. Its up to you to be content with what you have and what you can realistically achieve.

unit91 9y ago
> Everyone selects someone who isn't perfect My wife didn't. :-)

erikpukinskis 9y ago

The only place I think that really applies is if you're in a small town. If you can't get past the first few dates after trying with 10-20 candidates in a big city (requiring 100-200 solicitations), you're probably facing one of a few very solvable problems, off the top of my head: - fails at basic hygiene (solved by showers, haircuts, clothes, cleaning your room, home improvement projects, eating vegetables, etc) - fails at basic rapport (solved by practicing with non-romantic partners) - underlying mental health issues (solved by your therapist/psychiatrist) - fails at having an appealing life to join (solved by identifying personal goals and practicing working towards them) There are exceptions, of people who are extremely physically unattractive, or who have truly insoluble mental health issues. But it's a really tiny percentage of people. I'm talking you literally make babies cry with your appearance, or you have a history of torturing animals, or something like that. Most people have just a couple of actual dealbreaking items on their filter, so out of 20 candidates there should be one or two whose filters are on things you accidentally do right. And I'm not saying those four things I listed above are quick to solve. They take time. It might take 2 years of daily effort. I'm just saying they're easy to solve: there's no trick. Anyone who can bake a cake can do the steps necessary to solve them.

sliverstorm 9y ago
There's maybe a 5th category: - fails to recognize good candidates (solved by more dating) It's easy to wind up barking up the wrong tree because you haven't figured out what is really important to you, as well as how to find it.
- PrefixKitten 9y ago
  One problem I have is that I'll never get the chance to date enough people to discover what qualities I like in women.
  - sliverstorm 9y ago
    Why on earth not? Various networks offer anybody the opportunity to go on many first dates with many people. It takes some effort, and you have to learn how to come across well & take good photos & stuff, but few people have all doors shut to them. I see you commented elsewhere you get few matches- why is that? Figure that out, fix that. Dating isn't take-it-or-leave-it, it's a life journey that most certainly includes working on yourself.
    - PrefixKitten 9y ago
      >Various networks offer anybody the opportunity to go on many first dates with many people. Not if those people refuse to go on dates with the person. >why is that? No idea. I'm supposedly really attractive. If there's an answer I don't have a way of finding it out. >it's a life journey that most certainly includes working on yourself. Well I can't get in much better shape than I already am, I could make more money but I'm already making enough that that shouldn't be holding me back any. On paper there's basically nothing wrong with me.
      - sliverstorm 9y ago
        It sounds like the first step might be opening your mind to the possibility there are things you could do better that you haven't already thought of. Do you know how to take good pictures of yourself? (That other people like?) Are you a good writer? Both of these, for example, are great skills to brush up on for dating networks.

sliverstorm 9y ago

You aren't wrong, but (at the risk of stating an obvious strategy) perhaps you'd be happier in the long run investing that effort into making yourself an attractive match, instead of making a bad match bearable? Double-bonus in that investing in yourself leaves you better off & happy, with or without a match. Personal experience, after devoting my soul to my degree, I graduated a likable, intelligent, boring person. It took many years of purposefully expanding my horizons, to get beyond that.