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I like the way this article flips the commonplace 'What are the criteria for selecting my perfect mate?' to 'What are my motivations for getting married?'. How

I like the way this article flips the commonplace 'What are the criteria for selecting my perfect mate?' to 'What are my motivations for getting married?'. However, it needs to be said that if and when children arrive on the scene, everything changes. So really, in my opinion, the predominant issue is 'Do I want to have children and how do I want them to be raised?'

pm90 9y ago
I don't really fault people for taking decisions this way, but isn't this the opposite of how the decision should be made? I have a feeling that people would feel feel like they didn't really choose their partner if the main reason they decided to get married was to raise children.
- roceasta 9y ago
  It's not that your partner's attributes are unimportant, it's that if you are clear that you do want to start a family then this fact is rightly at the front of your mind when looking for a partner and the decision will flow from it. If you don't wish to start a family then other factors will come into play. However in the latter case you still need to include questions like whether you or your partner might have a change of mind later on, what options will remain, what retirement without children might look like, etc.
iopuy 9y ago
And when you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children... It actually really bugged me how having children was a forgone conclusion in this article.
- bananabill 9y ago
  Unfortunately most people are still stuck in the mindset that everyone who isn't broken inside wants children. I've never wanted children at any point in my life, but I'm wrong apparently.
  - lallysingh 9y ago
    I'm not saying that you'll end up the same, but I didn't want kids until I met my wife. Before I didn't, and suddenly I did. Everyone's different, but the right person can cause quite a bit of change in your life.
  - tluyben2 9y ago
    Maybe where you live and who you hang with? Most my friends decided long ago not to have kids as did we. It's not a given anymore.
  - bllguo 9y ago
    But from a biological/evolutionary/whatever perspective, isn't not wanting children definitely "wrong"?
    - tluyben2 9y ago
      Debatable in a world that is (also debatable) overcrowded and lacking resources. But in general sure; maybe OP has been to a lot of birthdays (as have I) where people stare at you like you just told you are a serial killer. While in reality you just don't want kids. That goes away when you go over 40 though. Then some people even start to envy you for your freedom. Generally better not care what other people think. It's a tiring and pointless thing.
    - a3_nm 9y ago
      What does biology/evolution/whatever have to do with the goals that you choose to set for your own life?
      - bllguo 9y ago
        hence why I said "from ... perspective;" I certainly am guilty of engaging in behaviors that are "wrong" from such a perspective
    - vilmosi 9y ago
      Well so is eating meat everyday or looking at a screen 30cm away most of the day or not dying from an infection or having hot showers... Who cares at this point, just live your life, you owe nothing to "evolution".
- jogjayr 9y ago
  Most marriages result in children. Most people want to have children. It's not an unreasonable assumption to make that most people who read the article will fall into that camp.
  - tluyben2 9y ago
    > Most people want to have children. How do you know? My friends who did have kids had intricate dynamics around that where 'want to have' was not really a big part of the equation. Pressure, religion, 'that is what you do', 'my spouse wants to', 'maybe now life gets better' etc are often part of the equation. For the 'want to have' you will need to look inside people's heads.
    - wnissen 9y ago
      85% of women have children at some point in their lives. This is just a fact. You may know that you're not having kids, but the vast, vast majority of people don't make that choice.
      - tluyben2 9y ago
        Ofcourse, but he said 'want'. Want to me implies something that is not automatic. Or maybe i'm reading that wrong. And where is that 85% from? Must be per country because in some countries it must be far lower.
        true_religion 9y ago
        Sure it's not automatic, but as you can imagine there's an extreme selective pressure towards wanting children. After all, all the people who didn't want kids, and had a choice about the matter died childless and never passed on their anti-replication genes.
      - jerrylives 9y ago
        Cool citation
- Yen 9y ago
  Even if it's not a foregone conclusion, it's an important topic to discuss before entering a long-term relationship. If one partner wants children, and is counting on that happening, and the other partner wants to not have children, and is counting on that happening, that's a huge point of relationship friction. So, yeah, it's really important to make sure your potential partner is on the same parenting page as you are, even if (especially if) that page is "let's not be parents".

pm90 9y ago

I don't really fault people for taking decisions this way, but isn't this the opposite of how the decision should be made? I have a feeling that people would feel feel like they didn't really choose their partner if the main reason they decided to get married was to raise children.

roceasta 9y ago
It's not that your partner's attributes are unimportant, it's that if you are clear that you do want to start a family then this fact is rightly at the front of your mind when looking for a partner and the decision will flow from it. If you don't wish to start a family then other factors will come into play. However in the latter case you still need to include questions like whether you or your partner might have a change of mind later on, what options will remain, what retirement without children might look like, etc.

iopuy 9y ago

And when you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children... It actually really bugged me how having children was a forgone conclusion in this article.

bananabill 9y ago
Unfortunately most people are still stuck in the mindset that everyone who isn't broken inside wants children. I've never wanted children at any point in my life, but I'm wrong apparently.
- lallysingh 9y ago
  I'm not saying that you'll end up the same, but I didn't want kids until I met my wife. Before I didn't, and suddenly I did. Everyone's different, but the right person can cause quite a bit of change in your life.
- tluyben2 9y ago
  Maybe where you live and who you hang with? Most my friends decided long ago not to have kids as did we. It's not a given anymore.
- bllguo 9y ago
  But from a biological/evolutionary/whatever perspective, isn't not wanting children definitely "wrong"?
  - tluyben2 9y ago
    Debatable in a world that is (also debatable) overcrowded and lacking resources. But in general sure; maybe OP has been to a lot of birthdays (as have I) where people stare at you like you just told you are a serial killer. While in reality you just don't want kids. That goes away when you go over 40 though. Then some people even start to envy you for your freedom. Generally better not care what other people think. It's a tiring and pointless thing.
  - a3_nm 9y ago
    What does biology/evolution/whatever have to do with the goals that you choose to set for your own life?
    - bllguo 9y ago
      hence why I said "from ... perspective;" I certainly am guilty of engaging in behaviors that are "wrong" from such a perspective
  - vilmosi 9y ago
    Well so is eating meat everyday or looking at a screen 30cm away most of the day or not dying from an infection or having hot showers... Who cares at this point, just live your life, you owe nothing to "evolution".
jogjayr 9y ago
Most marriages result in children. Most people want to have children. It's not an unreasonable assumption to make that most people who read the article will fall into that camp.
- tluyben2 9y ago
  > Most people want to have children. How do you know? My friends who did have kids had intricate dynamics around that where 'want to have' was not really a big part of the equation. Pressure, religion, 'that is what you do', 'my spouse wants to', 'maybe now life gets better' etc are often part of the equation. For the 'want to have' you will need to look inside people's heads.
  - wnissen 9y ago
    85% of women have children at some point in their lives. This is just a fact. You may know that you're not having kids, but the vast, vast majority of people don't make that choice.
    - tluyben2 9y ago
      Ofcourse, but he said 'want'. Want to me implies something that is not automatic. Or maybe i'm reading that wrong. And where is that 85% from? Must be per country because in some countries it must be far lower.
      - true_religion 9y ago
        Sure it's not automatic, but as you can imagine there's an extreme selective pressure towards wanting children. After all, all the people who didn't want kids, and had a choice about the matter died childless and never passed on their anti-replication genes.
    - jerrylives 9y ago
      Cool citation
Yen 9y ago
Even if it's not a foregone conclusion, it's an important topic to discuss before entering a long-term relationship. If one partner wants children, and is counting on that happening, and the other partner wants to not have children, and is counting on that happening, that's a huge point of relationship friction. So, yeah, it's really important to make sure your potential partner is on the same parenting page as you are, even if (especially if) that page is "let's not be parents".