4 ms·

Parenting is about showing the kid his boundaries. And by showing the boundaries I don't mean canonically forbidding all nice things and always being "the bad

by yason 16y ago

Parenting is about showing the kid his boundaries. And by showing the boundaries I don't mean canonically forbidding all nice things and always being "the bad guy". Limits and boundaries have a bad rap in some literature. The concept of boundaries is universal: boundaries don't enforce anyone to choose one option over another: they just enforce one to choose. Showing the kid his boundaries is not an easy undertaking but on the other hand it is something we all do to each other everyday. At work, at home, with friends, with kids. By letting one make choices—which is enforced by setting and keeping the boundaries—allows him to gradually learn about himself, and eventually grow to change himself. Boundaries change as a person grows: first, with a toddler it might be about not gaining anything by hitting or throwing things, not merely being forbidden or removed from throwing things around. Later it might be about deferred gratification: if the child chooses to have everything right away now and the boundaries stick, thus enforcing proper consequences of the kids choice, he will gradually learn that in the long run he gets less by having everything immediately. In adulthood, showing boundaries might be about saying no to someone known to ask around for favours, rarely returning them. The refusal will force him to consider his options: he must either do this or that but no longer both, as he can't get other people to do work for him anymore. A parent can't change the kid's mind nor himself make the kid a good adult. The kid is a person of his own anyway. A parent can only show boundaries and hope that he manages to be a mirror to the kid's behavior well enough so that the kid will learn something.

jtheory 16y ago
Some of this I agree with, but be careful assuming that a child's reason can function like an adult's. Giving them choices sometimes helps them take control of their lives, but sometimes (if they're already cognitively overwhelmed) being forced to choose is an unwanted stress. Absolutely, consistency is important, and putting some thought into what lesson the child is learning from your interaction (often not what you're trying to teach them). And the almost-always overlooked key to boundaries/rules is that the boundaries that are convenient to you are cruelly restrictive to your child, whose burning purpose in life is to do what you're doing -- reading your book, using your phone, typing on your laptop, exploring your food, putting on your makeup, etc.. This is learning; unfortunately it's inconvenient when they do physics experiments with the juice glasses, etc.. I've found it very eye-opening how much easier my toddler is once I realized that she could have access to almost everything as long as the interactions were carefully controlled and she learned rules along the way (the same rules we follow, really). Now she's far less excited by the laptop, phone, coffee mug, dinner plate, etc. because she's had a chance to explore them instead of being tormented by them put constantly just out of her reach. She has also learned not to tear book pages (we started with things headed for recycling anyway, and if she tore a page we were sad & took it away for "repair"), so she can flip through "grown-up" books safely -- another thing off the "frantically interested" list. She's most of the way to learning that she's allowed to see almost anything as long as she is careful not to drop it or mangle it. No punishments involved -- why punish someone for something they didn't know was wrong? -- it's all just learning, and she knows that things get put away when she doesn't interact with them the "right" way, so she has lots of motivation to learn the right way.
- euccastro 16y ago
  And to play devil's advocate: I think it was Freud who traced his love of books back to a childhood anecdote where his father had this big, shiny, colorful book he despised, so he brought it to young Sigmund and they tore it to pieces together.
superuser2 16y ago
I agree completely. I'm basically cribbing from my reply to a different comment, but the spoiled kids aren't the ones whose parents never punished them; the spoiled kids are the ones whose parents made it look like the real boundaries didn't exist. (Replacing the toys they carelessly or intentionally broke, giving in to tantrums, etc.) Sometimes these people also explain why their children shouldn't do something, and people see the "discipline through understanding" crowd as part of this, but saying "don't do this" while sending the message that nothing changes is completely different from saying "When you do that to people they don't want to do nice things for you anymore. We're not going to the Zoo today anymore."

by yason 16y ago

jtheory 16y ago

Some of this I agree with, but be careful assuming that a child's reason can function like an adult's. Giving them choices sometimes helps them take control of their lives, but sometimes (if they're already cognitively overwhelmed) being forced to choose is an unwanted stress. Absolutely, consistency is important, and putting some thought into what lesson the child is learning from your interaction (often not what you're trying to teach them). And the almost-always overlooked key to boundaries/rules is that the boundaries that are convenient to you are cruelly restrictive to your child, whose burning purpose in life is to do what you're doing -- reading your book, using your phone, typing on your laptop, exploring your food, putting on your makeup, etc.. This is learning; unfortunately it's inconvenient when they do physics experiments with the juice glasses, etc.. I've found it very eye-opening how much easier my toddler is once I realized that she could have access to almost everything as long as the interactions were carefully controlled and she learned rules along the way (the same rules we follow, really). Now she's far less excited by the laptop, phone, coffee mug, dinner plate, etc. because she's had a chance to explore them instead of being tormented by them put constantly just out of her reach. She has also learned not to tear book pages (we started with things headed for recycling anyway, and if she tore a page we were sad & took it away for "repair"), so she can flip through "grown-up" books safely -- another thing off the "frantically interested" list. She's most of the way to learning that she's allowed to see almost anything as long as she is careful not to drop it or mangle it. No punishments involved -- why punish someone for something they didn't know was wrong? -- it's all just learning, and she knows that things get put away when she doesn't interact with them the "right" way, so she has lots of motivation to learn the right way.

euccastro 16y ago
And to play devil's advocate: I think it was Freud who traced his love of books back to a childhood anecdote where his father had this big, shiny, colorful book he despised, so he brought it to young Sigmund and they tore it to pieces together.

superuser2 16y ago

I agree completely. I'm basically cribbing from my reply to a different comment, but the spoiled kids aren't the ones whose parents never punished them; the spoiled kids are the ones whose parents made it look like the real boundaries didn't exist. (Replacing the toys they carelessly or intentionally broke, giving in to tantrums, etc.) Sometimes these people also explain why their children shouldn't do something, and people see the "discipline through understanding" crowd as part of this, but saying "don't do this" while sending the message that nothing changes is completely different from saying "When you do that to people they don't want to do nice things for you anymore. We're not going to the Zoo today anymore."