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I buy it. Relationships are hard and marriages are harder, even for partners trying to make things work. It was shocking to me that my friends who are married a

by hosh 9y ago

I buy it. Relationships are hard and marriages are harder, even for partners trying to make things work. It was shocking to me that my friends who are married also have their own struggles. In hindsight, it is normal. I used to think, "well, those guys should have a better marriage", and now I realize how difficult it actually is, and how widespread. The parents from Rick & Morty? Yeah. My wife and I had tried a lot of things. What seems to be working is applying the practices laid out in "Crucial Conversations". That has been helping both at home and work. It isn't magic sauce, though it helps that even after all that, we still want to try. It feels like the eigenvector is pointing towards a better relationship. (We both work from home).

patrickdavey 9y ago
Absolutely this. Crucial conversations should be mandatory reading for anyone entering into marriage. Fantastic book. And not just for marriage either, just good life skill on how to approach tricky subjects. Go read it. Honestly :)
- hosh 9y ago
  Agreed. A friend of mine's got married recently. That was the wedding gift I sent them.
pdimitar 9y ago
Not sure I follow. Your reply reads like "marriage is yet another job, you must invest the proper amount of hours in it". If so, I disagree. If not, what were you trying to say? And apologies if I misread your comment. In general, I agree with the notion that relationships need "work" -- but in my case the "work" is basically not allowing certain relationship entropy events to ever happen (or to never last more than a few days). Me and my wife are real and sometimes brutal with our honesty with one another, we're down-to-earth and [mostly] humble, and we never, EVER, go to sleep angry at each other. That "formula" has worked wonders so far.
- hosh 9y ago
  Thanks for responding. Not sure why you got downvoted. I don't equate work with a job. By "work", I mean that you have to put effort into the marriage. A marriage is not the same as a romance, and should also not be conflated with love. That you and your wife are honest with each other and make an effort at not going to bed angry with each other is aligned with what I was expressing. On the brutal honesty thing: it sounds like it works well for you and your wife, and that is great. It doesn't work so well with my wife and I becuase we suck at crucial conversations and we are now just learning how to have them. One key thing about the teachings in crucial conversations is to recognizing the false dichotomy of speaking truth and having a good relationship. It is possible to do both. It sounds like you and your wife are already doing both.
  - pdimitar 9y ago
    I love reaching out when a possible misunderstanding is in progress. Appreciate your reply. You're very correct about the false dichotomy -- it's happening way too often and too much people fall into that trap. It's saddening for me to watch, especially having in mind that me and my wife are doing both. But as she would say -- "yes, me and you are far ahead in that regard but it's very likely that the people who just discover this aspect are far ahead in other regards, and we're likely very behind in those".

by hosh 9y ago

patrickdavey 9y ago

Absolutely this. Crucial conversations should be mandatory reading for anyone entering into marriage. Fantastic book. And not just for marriage either, just good life skill on how to approach tricky subjects. Go read it. Honestly :)

hosh 9y ago
Agreed. A friend of mine's got married recently. That was the wedding gift I sent them.

pdimitar 9y ago

Not sure I follow. Your reply reads like "marriage is yet another job, you must invest the proper amount of hours in it". If so, I disagree. If not, what were you trying to say? And apologies if I misread your comment. In general, I agree with the notion that relationships need "work" -- but in my case the "work" is basically not allowing certain relationship entropy events to ever happen (or to never last more than a few days). Me and my wife are real and sometimes brutal with our honesty with one another, we're down-to-earth and [mostly] humble, and we never, EVER, go to sleep angry at each other. That "formula" has worked wonders so far.

hosh 9y ago
Thanks for responding. Not sure why you got downvoted. I don't equate work with a job. By "work", I mean that you have to put effort into the marriage. A marriage is not the same as a romance, and should also not be conflated with love. That you and your wife are honest with each other and make an effort at not going to bed angry with each other is aligned with what I was expressing. On the brutal honesty thing: it sounds like it works well for you and your wife, and that is great. It doesn't work so well with my wife and I becuase we suck at crucial conversations and we are now just learning how to have them. One key thing about the teachings in crucial conversations is to recognizing the false dichotomy of speaking truth and having a good relationship. It is possible to do both. It sounds like you and your wife are already doing both.
- pdimitar 9y ago
  I love reaching out when a possible misunderstanding is in progress. Appreciate your reply. You're very correct about the false dichotomy -- it's happening way too often and too much people fall into that trap. It's saddening for me to watch, especially having in mind that me and my wife are doing both. But as she would say -- "yes, me and you are far ahead in that regard but it's very likely that the people who just discover this aspect are far ahead in other regards, and we're likely very behind in those".