5 ms·

Seems like most of his advice could be summed up as: "Don't over-complicate the situation". To use his first example, when he's being insulted why spin off int

Seems like most of his advice could be summed up as: "Don't over-complicate the situation". To use his first example, when he's being insulted why spin off into emotional-analysis neverland? What's happening there is you're being abused by an asshole, and you should respond to said abuse and, once that situation is resolved, examine the real issue more thoroughly. I'm speaking as someone who used to think exactly like this guy. What I realized in early college was: In general, no one cares. No one cares if you're partially wrong, no one cares if you're a little off or awkward, no one beyond your family/SO and close friends gives a flying fuck about your emotions. Nor will they remember a slight moment of awkwardness a week later. They're simply far too consumed with their own lives for it to matter. Demanding perfect social interactions is paralyzing, irrational and not expected. He does arrive at some appropriate conclusions ("Know thy worth"), but all the analogies and self-analysis he does isn't "emotional processing", it's simple insecurity. IMO the only emotions he's processing in those moments are fear and anxiety.

silassales 9y ago
> In general, no one cares. No one cares if you're partially wrong, no one cares if you're a little off or awkward, no one beyond your family/SO and close friends gives a flying fuck about your emotions. Took me awhile to figure this one out, but once I did, life was significantly better.
- klodolph 9y ago
  This is an important fact to realize for those of us with mood disorders, who see the world through the lens of our own emotions and moods, while others see our actions as unhealthy or erratic.
- pixelperfect 9y ago
  People do care about these things if you are a well-known public figure. I think the constant scrutinizing over the conduct of public figures misleads people into believing that their own actions are being scrutinized in the same way.
  - scottLobster 9y ago
    More accurately, people who don't like those well-known public figures care about those things. The fans and neutrals usually don't care and often even defend the awkwardness.
- mcappleton 9y ago
  That's why if you can be a person who genuinely cares and show it, you can go very far in life
  - jventura 9y ago
    Following your suggestion, I would add that people should read "How to win friends & influence people" by Dale Carnegie. The bottom line of the book is that people that want to get along fine with others should be wary of the other people's emotions. For instance, of the the first "principles" in the book is to not criticise, condemn or complain people openly, because people get defensive (an emotional reactional) when you do that, and you can't get nothing out of them. The rest of the chapters are also related with other people's emotions. As for "genuinely cares", the book also talks about it in some chapters. What I could get out of it so far is that someone who listens with attention is mostly grasped as someone who genuinely cares about other people.. All in all, the bottom line of the book is all about "managing" the other people's emotional reactions..
    - mcappleton 9y ago
      You hit the nail on the head! I'm actually reading that book right now.
Swizec 9y ago
I came to a similar realization a few years ago. Helped a lot with dating. You are the only constant in your life. The only person with complete continuity (outside any mishaps/substances). That moment you're obsessing over? To everyone else it's just a 3min awkward interaction with a random person they're never going to see again. Or a bit of weirdness in a relationship that's going to last a small fraction of their life if you're lucky. Relax, do stuff, experiment, have fun. You're the only one who cares. Say something random, see what happens.
Bulkington 9y ago
Not trying to to be flip, but with age and experience much will be revealed. Until then, the author is boxing himself in by coming up with his tidy categories. Some people are naturally glib and conversational, some people can bench press 300 pounds, some people pick up geometry proofs right off the bat; most people can get better--even very good--at any of these things. For somebody who seems to run into the same issues in all aspects of his life, I can only recommend the Costanza method. [0] I did however begin to wonder if the author was pulling my leg when he complained of partners wanting to talk during sex--because, based on the rest of the post, how is this guy getting laid? FWIW, when in doubt, whisper in French. [1] [0] http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0697744/?ref_=ttep_ep10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0697744/?ref_=ttep_ep10 [1] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%27esprit_de_l%27escalier https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%27esprit_de_l%27escalier
AcerbicZero 9y ago
He ends up with a solution that works for him, and I applaud that, but it requires allowing others to control his emotional state, which doesn't seem like such a great idea to me. I'd prefer to maintain a level of mindfulness towards emotions, and avoid allowing them to force a state of "emotional processing" along with the various actions required.
- jacobush 9y ago
  Not everyone can be vulkan. I can imagine your way works too, but it requires it's own work, lest you end up with pent up emotions.
pm90 9y ago
This deserves to be the topmost comment in this thread. I don't know if its a common problems among people, but even though I know these facts, I can't help but not be affected by gaffes or embarrassments in a rather traumatic way sometimes. This makes slights by others even more painful. Perhaps its a part of my subconscious mind but I have been working on it for a while. My reactions are less intense but I think I worry too much about things that don't really seem to matter... I've had to guide myself to not do that specifically.
- scottLobster 9y ago
  Same here. In my case it took years of self-imposed exposure therapy, forcing myself into various social situations and staying mindful of my reactions. I ended up making an ass of myself more times than I care to remember, but the sky didn't fall, and eventually the anxiety impulse faded and I got better at social interaction. I agree the hardest part was teaching myself not to obsess. My natural urge was to analyze small social faux-pas in excruciating detail for days or weeks and to this day I occasionally catch myself doing it and have to consciously stop. But in my amateur opinion it is at the end of the day simply a mal-adaptive reflex, and reflexes can be trained. Working out, mediation and proper sleep also helped a lot more than I thought they would. I wonder if reflexes like this partially stem from an mildly overactive adrenal system or something.
  - pm90 9y ago
    You might be on to something. I've noticed that after working out I tend to be a lot more relaxed and not care as much about these things. Inversely, if I haven't worked out for a long time, I get incredibly anxious and over analyze every damn thing.
JumpCrisscross 9y ago
> you should respond to said abuse To expand on this point, a solid "whoah, whoah, whoah...slow down for me...what happened" goes a long way. Recognising someone is in emotional pain, and working to solve that, goes miles with even the crankiest people.
Scarbutt 9y ago
There is a very nice article posted here on HN some time ago that expands more throughly on your point and made me come to the same realization as you. https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming-mammoth-let-peoples-opinions-run-life.html https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming-mammoth-let-peoples-op...
slaymaker1907 9y ago
I've spoken up in meetings before because I was concerned about how my coworkers were being talked to and how it was clearly affecting them emotionally. I'm not a saint, but I try to respect other people's feelings and do things as tactfully as I can. In the first example presented in the article, it would have been much more effective and kind to come to the other person and try to understand why the module failed instead of ranting. Ranting and yelling almost never leads to positive outcomes even if it feels good at the time.
Cthulhu_ 9y ago
It's a matter of life experience I think. I used to be awkward in conversations and such, but I think mostly due to lack of practice. After a number of years, it's much easier to quickly recognise someone starting to talk to you and respond to a question fluently. And insecurity is a big factor there too. Either know thy worth, or stop giving a fuck.

silassales 9y ago

> In general, no one cares. No one cares if you're partially wrong, no one cares if you're a little off or awkward, no one beyond your family/SO and close friends gives a flying fuck about your emotions. Took me awhile to figure this one out, but once I did, life was significantly better.

klodolph 9y ago
This is an important fact to realize for those of us with mood disorders, who see the world through the lens of our own emotions and moods, while others see our actions as unhealthy or erratic.
pixelperfect 9y ago
People do care about these things if you are a well-known public figure. I think the constant scrutinizing over the conduct of public figures misleads people into believing that their own actions are being scrutinized in the same way.
- scottLobster 9y ago
  More accurately, people who don't like those well-known public figures care about those things. The fans and neutrals usually don't care and often even defend the awkwardness.
mcappleton 9y ago
That's why if you can be a person who genuinely cares and show it, you can go very far in life
- jventura 9y ago
  Following your suggestion, I would add that people should read "How to win friends & influence people" by Dale Carnegie. The bottom line of the book is that people that want to get along fine with others should be wary of the other people's emotions. For instance, of the the first "principles" in the book is to not criticise, condemn or complain people openly, because people get defensive (an emotional reactional) when you do that, and you can't get nothing out of them. The rest of the chapters are also related with other people's emotions. As for "genuinely cares", the book also talks about it in some chapters. What I could get out of it so far is that someone who listens with attention is mostly grasped as someone who genuinely cares about other people.. All in all, the bottom line of the book is all about "managing" the other people's emotional reactions..
  - mcappleton 9y ago
    You hit the nail on the head! I'm actually reading that book right now.

Swizec 9y ago

I came to a similar realization a few years ago. Helped a lot with dating. You are the only constant in your life. The only person with complete continuity (outside any mishaps/substances). That moment you're obsessing over? To everyone else it's just a 3min awkward interaction with a random person they're never going to see again. Or a bit of weirdness in a relationship that's going to last a small fraction of their life if you're lucky. Relax, do stuff, experiment, have fun. You're the only one who cares. Say something random, see what happens.

Bulkington 9y ago

Not trying to to be flip, but with age and experience much will be revealed. Until then, the author is boxing himself in by coming up with his tidy categories. Some people are naturally glib and conversational, some people can bench press 300 pounds, some people pick up geometry proofs right off the bat; most people can get better--even very good--at any of these things. For somebody who seems to run into the same issues in all aspects of his life, I can only recommend the Costanza method. [0] I did however begin to wonder if the author was pulling my leg when he complained of partners wanting to talk during sex--because, based on the rest of the post, how is this guy getting laid? FWIW, when in doubt, whisper in French. [1] [0] http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0697744/?ref_=ttep_ep10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0697744/?ref_=ttep_ep10 [1] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%27esprit_de_l%27escalier https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%27esprit_de_l%27escalier

AcerbicZero 9y ago

He ends up with a solution that works for him, and I applaud that, but it requires allowing others to control his emotional state, which doesn't seem like such a great idea to me. I'd prefer to maintain a level of mindfulness towards emotions, and avoid allowing them to force a state of "emotional processing" along with the various actions required.

jacobush 9y ago
Not everyone can be vulkan. I can imagine your way works too, but it requires it's own work, lest you end up with pent up emotions.

pm90 9y ago

This deserves to be the topmost comment in this thread. I don't know if its a common problems among people, but even though I know these facts, I can't help but not be affected by gaffes or embarrassments in a rather traumatic way sometimes. This makes slights by others even more painful. Perhaps its a part of my subconscious mind but I have been working on it for a while. My reactions are less intense but I think I worry too much about things that don't really seem to matter... I've had to guide myself to not do that specifically.

scottLobster 9y ago
Same here. In my case it took years of self-imposed exposure therapy, forcing myself into various social situations and staying mindful of my reactions. I ended up making an ass of myself more times than I care to remember, but the sky didn't fall, and eventually the anxiety impulse faded and I got better at social interaction. I agree the hardest part was teaching myself not to obsess. My natural urge was to analyze small social faux-pas in excruciating detail for days or weeks and to this day I occasionally catch myself doing it and have to consciously stop. But in my amateur opinion it is at the end of the day simply a mal-adaptive reflex, and reflexes can be trained. Working out, mediation and proper sleep also helped a lot more than I thought they would. I wonder if reflexes like this partially stem from an mildly overactive adrenal system or something.
- pm90 9y ago
  You might be on to something. I've noticed that after working out I tend to be a lot more relaxed and not care as much about these things. Inversely, if I haven't worked out for a long time, I get incredibly anxious and over analyze every damn thing.

JumpCrisscross 9y ago

> you should respond to said abuse To expand on this point, a solid "whoah, whoah, whoah...slow down for me...what happened" goes a long way. Recognising someone is in emotional pain, and working to solve that, goes miles with even the crankiest people.

Scarbutt 9y ago

There is a very nice article posted here on HN some time ago that expands more throughly on your point and made me come to the same realization as you. https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming-mammoth-let-peoples-opinions-run-life.html https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming-mammoth-let-peoples-op...

slaymaker1907 9y ago

I've spoken up in meetings before because I was concerned about how my coworkers were being talked to and how it was clearly affecting them emotionally. I'm not a saint, but I try to respect other people's feelings and do things as tactfully as I can. In the first example presented in the article, it would have been much more effective and kind to come to the other person and try to understand why the module failed instead of ranting. Ranting and yelling almost never leads to positive outcomes even if it feels good at the time.

Cthulhu_ 9y ago

It's a matter of life experience I think. I used to be awkward in conversations and such, but I think mostly due to lack of practice. After a number of years, it's much easier to quickly recognise someone starting to talk to you and respond to a question fluently. And insecurity is a big factor there too. Either know thy worth, or stop giving a fuck.