4 ms·

For our generation, this pettiness goes the other way, too. I will literally try to buy lunch/coffee/dinner for someone, and after I've gone home, they've sent

by cbhl 9y ago

For our generation, this pettiness goes the other way, too. I will literally try to buy lunch/coffee/dinner for someone, and after I've gone home, they've sent an unsolicited 'repayment' to me by Venmo. And on the other hand, it's difficult to "split your case of beer" with someone -- people are afraid to partake because they're worried you'll bill them afterwards, and they can't afford the $3 in this month's budget.

FireBeyond 9y ago
Wow, this sounds horrible. The day my friends think I'll bill them for splitting a case of beer is the day I've failed as a friend.
- sethrin 9y ago
  Sigh. This reminds me of an ex-roommate. So I worked at a factory and he was a notary or some such function connected with real estate, working from home. One day I was running late for work, which was maybe fifteen minutes away by bicycle, and asked if he didn't mind giving me a lift. About halfway there he mentioned casually, "Oh, just so you know, I'll be billing you at my normal rate ($60/hr) for this ride." Thanks for the trouble, just pull over and I'll walk, buddy. People may or may not have sane ideas about friendship and money.
  - lawnchair_larry 9y ago
    That's a weird comment on his part, but I think there is often a large mismatch between the cost that a carless person assigns to "bumming a ride" and the cost that the car owner assigns to that. If you are not a car owner, you may not realize how much of a pain in the ass it is to stop whatever you are doing and play taxi.
    - bb611 9y ago
      The solution seems simple: "I can't, I'm busy right now." That's what people say when someone asks them to do something they don't want to, or where the cost outweighs the benefit.
    - sethrin 9y ago
      He believed that money was God's way of showing favor, and somehow that worked out to, "Anything I do to get money is okay." He ended up appropriating most of my possessions. This was of course the first and last time I asked for a lift from that guy, so if you like you can consider him to have appropriately valued his time and effort. However, not mentioning that until we were in the car and driving was frankly extortionate. As I recall, he did back down on the charge rather than pull over, but it provided an extremely sharp life lesson.
      - lawnchair_larry 9y ago
        Yeah, the two choices are either provide a free ride or don't provide one at all. Billing people for rides is bizarre behavior.
- citizenkeen 9y ago
  Yeah, exactly. That's exactly how I feel. If someone grabs a tab and sends me a Venmo bill, I'll happily send them their money. I would have rather grabbed the tab the next time. I won't be doing both. (And vis a versa - If I say "I've got the tab" and the person sent me money, I'd be much less likely to invite them out in the future. I'd rather they just invited me out and grabbed a round.)
extr 9y ago
I'm not sure this is anything new though. Even before Venmo, I've always had friends who were overly concerned with keeping things "even" between us and friends who were very loose with money and wouldn't mind spotting me $20 with no immediate expectation of repayment. It's one of those social things that really depends on the history, social norms, income...etc of those involved. I try to just go with whatever makes people comfortable without thinking about it too much. And for friends I already have a set of expectations. Also, beer example was just meant to highlight that friend we all have who practices "selective accounting" with our informal running tab. If I had any suspicion that $3 is make or break to someone I would gladly pay them what's owed and forget about the beer. Beer (and all vices really) have their own set of norms.
smallnamespace 9y ago
IMO, politeness should also take account norms that make the other party feel the most comfortable (within reason of course). It took me a long time to learn that when your friend's dad tells you 'Please just call me John', continuing to address him as 'Mr. Smith' is less polite, not more. Same thing with money.

by cbhl 9y ago

FireBeyond 9y ago

Wow, this sounds horrible. The day my friends think I'll bill them for splitting a case of beer is the day I've failed as a friend.

sethrin 9y ago
Sigh. This reminds me of an ex-roommate. So I worked at a factory and he was a notary or some such function connected with real estate, working from home. One day I was running late for work, which was maybe fifteen minutes away by bicycle, and asked if he didn't mind giving me a lift. About halfway there he mentioned casually, "Oh, just so you know, I'll be billing you at my normal rate ($60/hr) for this ride." Thanks for the trouble, just pull over and I'll walk, buddy. People may or may not have sane ideas about friendship and money.
- lawnchair_larry 9y ago
  That's a weird comment on his part, but I think there is often a large mismatch between the cost that a carless person assigns to "bumming a ride" and the cost that the car owner assigns to that. If you are not a car owner, you may not realize how much of a pain in the ass it is to stop whatever you are doing and play taxi.
  - bb611 9y ago
    The solution seems simple: "I can't, I'm busy right now." That's what people say when someone asks them to do something they don't want to, or where the cost outweighs the benefit.
  - sethrin 9y ago
    He believed that money was God's way of showing favor, and somehow that worked out to, "Anything I do to get money is okay." He ended up appropriating most of my possessions. This was of course the first and last time I asked for a lift from that guy, so if you like you can consider him to have appropriately valued his time and effort. However, not mentioning that until we were in the car and driving was frankly extortionate. As I recall, he did back down on the charge rather than pull over, but it provided an extremely sharp life lesson.
    - lawnchair_larry 9y ago
      Yeah, the two choices are either provide a free ride or don't provide one at all. Billing people for rides is bizarre behavior.
citizenkeen 9y ago
Yeah, exactly. That's exactly how I feel. If someone grabs a tab and sends me a Venmo bill, I'll happily send them their money. I would have rather grabbed the tab the next time. I won't be doing both. (And vis a versa - If I say "I've got the tab" and the person sent me money, I'd be much less likely to invite them out in the future. I'd rather they just invited me out and grabbed a round.)

extr 9y ago

I'm not sure this is anything new though. Even before Venmo, I've always had friends who were overly concerned with keeping things "even" between us and friends who were very loose with money and wouldn't mind spotting me $20 with no immediate expectation of repayment. It's one of those social things that really depends on the history, social norms, income...etc of those involved. I try to just go with whatever makes people comfortable without thinking about it too much. And for friends I already have a set of expectations. Also, beer example was just meant to highlight that friend we all have who practices "selective accounting" with our informal running tab. If I had any suspicion that $3 is make or break to someone I would gladly pay them what's owed and forget about the beer. Beer (and all vices really) have their own set of norms.

smallnamespace 9y ago

IMO, politeness should also take account norms that make the other party feel the most comfortable (within reason of course). It took me a long time to learn that when your friend's dad tells you 'Please just call me John', continuing to address him as 'Mr. Smith' is less polite, not more. Same thing with money.