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A lot of what makes the particular comment that you cited polite is that Allen is placing the "blame" on himself rather than the other party. He's saying, "I'm

A lot of what makes the particular comment that you cited polite is that Allen is placing the "blame" on himself rather than the other party. He's saying, "I'm confused" rather than, "What you did makes no sense." There are plenty of opportunities to do this when giving criticism/feedback. Not only does it make it easier for the other person to hear, but it also helps you save face if your feedback ends up being wrong.

BenchRouter 9y ago
> Allen is placing the "blame" on himself rather than the other party. FWIW I don't see this as placing blame on himself, at all: I see it as Allen just stating a fact. Allen is confused and seeking clarification. Confusion can happen for all sorts of reasons with varying parties or circumstances being the cause. Allen might similarly say "I'm confused" upon reading the time cube website, but Allen's not to blame for that. I agree with you though that largely politeness comes from being internally focused ("I don't understand, I don't agree, I didn't know") as opposed to externally focused ("You did something confusing, You did something wrong, You didn't tell me"). One instance where it pays to be selfish, I suppose!
- rdiddly 9y ago
  That's why "blame" is in quotes. He's not literally blaming himself. But since you presumably have to start out the communication with a statement of its purpose, he takes that opportunity afforded by the first sentence, to frame the whole message in terms of "help me understand" instead of "you suck."
  - eropple 9y ago
    I might suggest phrasing it as that he's assuming a charitable view of the other party, and acting like it. The word "blame", even scare quoted, makes people defensive.
TheSpiceIsLife 9y ago
I see you put it in quotes because, I guess, you felt the word is less than optimal, so I'll propose an alternative; Rather than "blame", I suppose we're to say Allen accepts responsibility for his confusion and makes an effort to enrol others in his attempts to seek clarity. That way the opportunity arises for any involved to say "ah, I see, thank you". If we hear what people are saying with a sense of goodwill, and read their words charitably, we give less cause for animosity to arise.

BenchRouter 9y ago

> Allen is placing the "blame" on himself rather than the other party. FWIW I don't see this as placing blame on himself, at all: I see it as Allen just stating a fact. Allen is confused and seeking clarification. Confusion can happen for all sorts of reasons with varying parties or circumstances being the cause. Allen might similarly say "I'm confused" upon reading the time cube website, but Allen's not to blame for that. I agree with you though that largely politeness comes from being internally focused ("I don't understand, I don't agree, I didn't know") as opposed to externally focused ("You did something confusing, You did something wrong, You didn't tell me"). One instance where it pays to be selfish, I suppose!

rdiddly 9y ago
That's why "blame" is in quotes. He's not literally blaming himself. But since you presumably have to start out the communication with a statement of its purpose, he takes that opportunity afforded by the first sentence, to frame the whole message in terms of "help me understand" instead of "you suck."
- eropple 9y ago
  I might suggest phrasing it as that he's assuming a charitable view of the other party, and acting like it. The word "blame", even scare quoted, makes people defensive.

TheSpiceIsLife 9y ago

I see you put it in quotes because, I guess, you felt the word is less than optimal, so I'll propose an alternative; Rather than "blame", I suppose we're to say Allen accepts responsibility for his confusion and makes an effort to enrol others in his attempts to seek clarity. That way the opportunity arises for any involved to say "ah, I see, thank you". If we hear what people are saying with a sense of goodwill, and read their words charitably, we give less cause for animosity to arise.