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Can you say more here or offer some links on what it's like to be a foster parent? I'm adopted and had to deal with some ACEs, and being a foster parent really

Can you say more here or offer some links on what it's like to be a foster parent? I'm adopted and had to deal with some ACEs, and being a foster parent really does call to me. My dad was an attorney and also volunteered to help with foster kids, so I had exposure to them as a child. I want to look more into it. Also, if you have biological kids of your own, how did they deal with foster kids? I have a daughter and would like to have another bio child as well.

esthercrawford 9y ago
I fostered for nearly 2 years, and ended up adopting my foster daughter who was just a few weeks shy of her 7th birthday. I had a 1 yr old bio son when she joined the family. I’d say what worked best for me was doing the very hard and frustrating process of building trust between me and her birth mom & family. It was at times maddening but so worth it for her. Especially since the system itself is broken. My son was actually a plus - she was able to bond with him first and I believe that enabled her to then trust and bond with us. Now she’s 12 and is amazing. I feel like the luckiest mom in the world to be able to spend my life with her.
paulddraper 9y ago
My mother was in foster care, some good, some bad, and that was a motivator for me to do it. We don't do foster-to-adopt. We do the other kinds: for situations where the goal is still reunification, or adoption by a family member. Biologically, we have a two-year-old daughter , three-year-old son, and a son on the way. We have the right to know the history of placements and say yes/no to each one. Our foster care rep knows that we can't (won't) take aggressive children or children over 12, because we gave young kids. We also only do Level 1 care. (There are three levels in our state for rating behavioral and handicapped difficulty. Levels 2 and 3 require extra training.) We do, however, take sibling groups. Our bio kids LOVE having foster kids. They now think that any friends they make should live at our house, because their other ones do. I don't have any foster horror stories though I've heard plenty of course. We've been lucky enough to have remarkably well-adjusted kids. I think poor circumstances often demands increased maturity. IMO, the hardest people to deal with are the parents, not the kids. Getting licensed involved 30 hours of in person training over a few months, a few hours online training, a house inspection (fire extinguisher, escape latter, handrails on stairs), and an interview with very personal questions (e.g. if you're married, "Have you ever considered divorce?"). The hardest parts of parenting are also the hardest parts of foster parenting. So I would expect a biological parent to have a pretty solid idea of what foster parenting would be like.
Animats 9y ago
A lesbian couple in Oakland I know have two foster girls from a Nepal refugee camp. It's been all uphill with them. They've had them since age 14, and now they're 18. English was a problem, but they're mostly past that. Their schooling is poor; despite Kumon, tutoring, and the Berkeley International School, one of them can't pass the DMV written driving test. Attitude is an issue. The girls grew up in a refugee camp where they didn't have much, but nobody had to do anything. Now they've been dumped into an complex alien society where they have to become self-supporting. It doesn't help that the girls think their role is to find a man and be supported by him. The girls have strong ideas about the role of women, and despite being fostered by lesbians who do home remodeling and industrial design, they have zero interest in learning those skills. The people who supervise the foster child program think they're doing a great job. The kids have sort of learned to read, and one of them got a job at an ice cream store. They got high school diplomas, only because California stopped requiring the high school exit exam at the beginning of 2016. This is better than average for the program. Both girls can use a smartphone for entertainment purposes.
- paulddraper 9y ago
  > This is better than average for the program. I wonder how much of this has to do with Oakland, which has a reputation for having troubled communities. > They've had them since age 14 Foster care or otherwise, changing someone's habits and worldview starting at fourteen is tough. Kudos for them for trying.

esthercrawford 9y ago

I fostered for nearly 2 years, and ended up adopting my foster daughter who was just a few weeks shy of her 7th birthday. I had a 1 yr old bio son when she joined the family. I’d say what worked best for me was doing the very hard and frustrating process of building trust between me and her birth mom & family. It was at times maddening but so worth it for her. Especially since the system itself is broken. My son was actually a plus - she was able to bond with him first and I believe that enabled her to then trust and bond with us. Now she’s 12 and is amazing. I feel like the luckiest mom in the world to be able to spend my life with her.

paulddraper 9y ago

My mother was in foster care, some good, some bad, and that was a motivator for me to do it. We don't do foster-to-adopt. We do the other kinds: for situations where the goal is still reunification, or adoption by a family member. Biologically, we have a two-year-old daughter , three-year-old son, and a son on the way. We have the right to know the history of placements and say yes/no to each one. Our foster care rep knows that we can't (won't) take aggressive children or children over 12, because we gave young kids. We also only do Level 1 care. (There are three levels in our state for rating behavioral and handicapped difficulty. Levels 2 and 3 require extra training.) We do, however, take sibling groups. Our bio kids LOVE having foster kids. They now think that any friends they make should live at our house, because their other ones do. I don't have any foster horror stories though I've heard plenty of course. We've been lucky enough to have remarkably well-adjusted kids. I think poor circumstances often demands increased maturity. IMO, the hardest people to deal with are the parents, not the kids. Getting licensed involved 30 hours of in person training over a few months, a few hours online training, a house inspection (fire extinguisher, escape latter, handrails on stairs), and an interview with very personal questions (e.g. if you're married, "Have you ever considered divorce?"). The hardest parts of parenting are also the hardest parts of foster parenting. So I would expect a biological parent to have a pretty solid idea of what foster parenting would be like.

Animats 9y ago

A lesbian couple in Oakland I know have two foster girls from a Nepal refugee camp. It's been all uphill with them. They've had them since age 14, and now they're 18. English was a problem, but they're mostly past that. Their schooling is poor; despite Kumon, tutoring, and the Berkeley International School, one of them can't pass the DMV written driving test. Attitude is an issue. The girls grew up in a refugee camp where they didn't have much, but nobody had to do anything. Now they've been dumped into an complex alien society where they have to become self-supporting. It doesn't help that the girls think their role is to find a man and be supported by him. The girls have strong ideas about the role of women, and despite being fostered by lesbians who do home remodeling and industrial design, they have zero interest in learning those skills. The people who supervise the foster child program think they're doing a great job. The kids have sort of learned to read, and one of them got a job at an ice cream store. They got high school diplomas, only because California stopped requiring the high school exit exam at the beginning of 2016. This is better than average for the program. Both girls can use a smartphone for entertainment purposes.

paulddraper 9y ago
> This is better than average for the program. I wonder how much of this has to do with Oakland, which has a reputation for having troubled communities. > They've had them since age 14 Foster care or otherwise, changing someone's habits and worldview starting at fourteen is tough. Kudos for them for trying.