5 ms·

> like why was asking a co-worker if she was still running half marathons a reason for her to respond "how do you know that? why do you care?" in an an accusato

by imron 9y ago

> like why was asking a co-worker if she was still running half marathons a reason for her to respond "how do you know that? why do you care?" in an an accusatory manner Well, the devil is in the details. How do you know that she runs half marathons? Do you know it because 2 years ago she posted it to Facebook and you've gone through all her old Facebook posts and know that she once ran half-marathons? Creepy. Or, do you know it because 6 months ago you were having a conversation with her and she brought up that she runs half-marathons, but she's now forgotten that conversation. Not creepy, she just has a bad memory.

matheist 9y ago
And there's quite a wide range of alternatives in here, ranging from "not creepy at all" to "extrememly creepy". you have established a rapport where you talk about weekend activities, and she has mentioned half marathons to you in particular "Are you still running half marathons?" Not problematic at all; by standard social conventions you have implicit permission to ask about a topic that was previously deemed acceptable. Everyone knows how you know about marathons. --- you have established a rapport where you talk about weekend activities, and she has NOT mentioned half marathons to you "Are you still running half marathons?" Might cause a moment's confusion but is probably fine — she might think you heard it from a mutual acquaintance, and marathons are not so intimate that they'd be off limits if you have previously discussed equally intimate subjects. --- you are only casually acquainted, have had maybe one or two conversations in group settings and the two of you did not directly interact in this group "Are you still running half marathons?" Too forward — you probably don't have implicit permission to bring up personal subjects that she did not explicitly bring up to you first. The social standard here in this situation would probably be to determine her attitude towards you by asking less intimate questions (e.g. "Did you have a good weekend?") that give her the option to signal whether she's interested in more interaction. ("Yup." -> not interested. don't ask about marathons. "Yes, I went running, how about you?" -> potentially interested.) --- you are not acquainted, or have met once or twice but have not spoken to each other outside of when it's required for work "Are you still running half marathons?" Nope, way too forward. Most people take a gradual approach ("Did you have a good weekend?"), and the fact that you're not doing that is a signal that you don't understand social nuances and are potentially dangerous. Best case scenario, she makes a polite excuse and leaves. --- you are not acquainted, and also have a reputation for not understanding social norms "Are you still running half marathons?" She's thinking of the best way to make unambiguously sure that you don't talk to her again.
- le-mark 9y ago
  Yeah that all makes a lot of sense; the scenario was: more than acquaintances, worked together for over a year, she was QA on a project I was on, we talked everyday. She was very open about her life, and talked openly about the half marathons. Then I ran into her at a beer meetup with alumni from the same company, I hadn't talked to her in over a year. I was trying to make conversation, so I asked about the half marathons. That was the context, very not creepy imo. But I welcome feedback on that :)
  - matheist 9y ago
    yeah, that definitely sounds like an appropriate question in that context, then. sounds like the problem isn't with you there :/
  - hluska 9y ago
    You know, I'm not trying to make you feel bad here, but I wonder if that's the kind of question that needed some lead in? Usually when I meet a co-worker or acquaintance who I haven't spoken to in over a year (particularly if there is alcohol involved), I tend to be a little more conservative about how I bring up topics. For example, in that situation, I might have said something like: Hey, remember how you used to tell me all about your half marathon training? I just ran my first 5k...are you still training? With those sentences you have: 1. Queued her memory. 2. Showed how that particular topic is relevant to you. 3. Asked your question. That kind of approach also tends to be a more fertile conversation starter with people who I haven't spoken to in a long time. Finally, this is harsh advice, but necessary to hear. One of the keys to people is understanding that some people are significantly more important to you than you are to them. You may use the phrase 'more than acquaintances' to describe your relationship to her. She may refer to you as 'some guy in IT'. Or, maybe she has never referred to you because you just aren't that important to her. That isn't bad though, because it is just as inevitable that you are significantly more important to someone else than he/she is to you. Heck, 'that person who serves you coffee' may refer to you as 'le-mark le drool'. :) Point being, our operating systems aren't all compatible.
  - mercer 9y ago

by imron 9y ago

matheist 9y ago

And there's quite a wide range of alternatives in here, ranging from "not creepy at all" to "extrememly creepy". you have established a rapport where you talk about weekend activities, and she has mentioned half marathons to you in particular "Are you still running half marathons?" Not problematic at all; by standard social conventions you have implicit permission to ask about a topic that was previously deemed acceptable. Everyone knows how you know about marathons. --- you have established a rapport where you talk about weekend activities, and she has NOT mentioned half marathons to you "Are you still running half marathons?" Might cause a moment's confusion but is probably fine — she might think you heard it from a mutual acquaintance, and marathons are not so intimate that they'd be off limits if you have previously discussed equally intimate subjects. --- you are only casually acquainted, have had maybe one or two conversations in group settings and the two of you did not directly interact in this group "Are you still running half marathons?" Too forward — you probably don't have implicit permission to bring up personal subjects that she did not explicitly bring up to you first. The social standard here in this situation would probably be to determine her attitude towards you by asking less intimate questions (e.g. "Did you have a good weekend?") that give her the option to signal whether she's interested in more interaction. ("Yup." -> not interested. don't ask about marathons. "Yes, I went running, how about you?" -> potentially interested.) --- you are not acquainted, or have met once or twice but have not spoken to each other outside of when it's required for work "Are you still running half marathons?" Nope, way too forward. Most people take a gradual approach ("Did you have a good weekend?"), and the fact that you're not doing that is a signal that you don't understand social nuances and are potentially dangerous. Best case scenario, she makes a polite excuse and leaves. --- you are not acquainted, and also have a reputation for not understanding social norms "Are you still running half marathons?" She's thinking of the best way to make unambiguously sure that you don't talk to her again.

le-mark 9y ago
Yeah that all makes a lot of sense; the scenario was: more than acquaintances, worked together for over a year, she was QA on a project I was on, we talked everyday. She was very open about her life, and talked openly about the half marathons. Then I ran into her at a beer meetup with alumni from the same company, I hadn't talked to her in over a year. I was trying to make conversation, so I asked about the half marathons. That was the context, very not creepy imo. But I welcome feedback on that :)
- matheist 9y ago
  yeah, that definitely sounds like an appropriate question in that context, then. sounds like the problem isn't with you there :/
- hluska 9y ago
  You know, I'm not trying to make you feel bad here, but I wonder if that's the kind of question that needed some lead in? Usually when I meet a co-worker or acquaintance who I haven't spoken to in over a year (particularly if there is alcohol involved), I tend to be a little more conservative about how I bring up topics. For example, in that situation, I might have said something like: Hey, remember how you used to tell me all about your half marathon training? I just ran my first 5k...are you still training? With those sentences you have: 1. Queued her memory. 2. Showed how that particular topic is relevant to you. 3. Asked your question. That kind of approach also tends to be a more fertile conversation starter with people who I haven't spoken to in a long time. Finally, this is harsh advice, but necessary to hear. One of the keys to people is understanding that some people are significantly more important to you than you are to them. You may use the phrase 'more than acquaintances' to describe your relationship to her. She may refer to you as 'some guy in IT'. Or, maybe she has never referred to you because you just aren't that important to her. That isn't bad though, because it is just as inevitable that you are significantly more important to someone else than he/she is to you. Heck, 'that person who serves you coffee' may refer to you as 'le-mark le drool'. :) Point being, our operating systems aren't all compatible.
- mercer 9y ago