6 ms·

I have a confession to make. With few exceptions, I cannot work with a woman without thinking about having sex with her. It's not like I'm trying, it's more li

• deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
• pnw_hazor 9y ago
  Does the red-light blink around your sister or Mom? Put your female colleagues in the sister compartment of your brain.
  • bdamm 9y ago
    Maybe this is easier if you've had a sister. I never did. And I can't sit across the table from a skin-flashing admin assistant and think of her like my mom, who is in her 70s. It doesn't work.
    • passive 9y ago
      The fact that you use the term "skin-flashing" here is a little concerning. Perhaps it was just meant as a shorthand for attractive woman, because otherwise you've taken a woman's choice of dress and behaviour and made them part of your neurosis. Unless of course she is giving you the Basic Instinct treatment (is that too old a reference for this site?), in which case I'm entirely out of advice for you.
      • deleted 9y ago
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  • venning 9y ago
    The Westermarck effect attempts to explain why that is not a simple mental adjustment. It's a theory, but it states "people who live in close domestic proximity during the first few years of their lives become desensitized to sexual attraction." [1] [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westermarck_effect https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westermarck_effect
• pfarnsworth 9y ago
  You should talk to a therapist. It will affect your career sooner or later, if it hasn't already. You better get help on how to control these thoughts, and more importantly your actions, especially if you sometimes give "eyes" to your coworkers.
  • Un3qual 9y ago
    I vehemently disagree with that. While I do not know your gender or sexual orientation, I can assume that at some point you've looked at another person and been attracted to them. This can't be controlled because our species' success (before the modern medicine era) is due to our ability to reproduce. I don't see a problem with looking at someone. If it gets to the point of creepily staring for long periods of time, or wanting to act on his thoughts, then he has good reason to see a therapist, but being able to see that someone is attractive while also not wanting to have sex with them is completely normal. I'm a guy and I acknowledge that many of my platonic female friends are very attractive, but I don't want to have sex with them in the same way that I would a wife or girlfriend.
    • pfarnsworth 9y ago
      > If it gets to the point of creepily staring for long periods of time, or wanting to act on his thoughts, then he has good reason to see a therapist, This is what he said, that's why I suggested a therapist. He constantly thinks about having sex with his female coworkers, and the ones that he feels the most attracted to he will give "eyes" to. Then he feels guilty afterwards. These are abnormal reactions. I wasn't talking about YOU, I was talking about HIM. If you can't get your work done without thinking about having sex with your coworkers, you need to see a therapist.
      • Un3qual 9y ago
        Ah, it looks like we interpreted his words differently, and I misunderstood what you meant. I assumed that >I cannot work with a woman without thinking about having sex with her. meant that he can still get work done with women, but he thinks about having sex with them. I should also clarify my point "that many of my platonic female friends are very attractive, but I don't want to have sex with them." I'm not saying that the thought never crosses my mind, just that it's not an issue. About your last sentence, if I apply it to my situation, the first part is true. There has never been a time where I've been with them, but the thought has never crossed my mind, but I value our friendship, so I have no reason to try to act on that. I believe your point is that coworkers are more of an issue than friends in a situation like this, and I completely agree with that, but I just don't think it's necessary to see a therapist until he does anything more than occasionally staring.
• JauntyHatAngle 9y ago
  >With few exceptions, I cannot work with a woman without thinking about having sex with her. Its fine to think whatever you want, imagine murdering your boss, having sex with the coffee machine, whatever you want, that's happening in your brain, doesn't effect anyone else. It's a bit much for >every< girl though, that sounds like a deeper issue. >This normally doesn't leak out, but for some women, I will give them "eyes" and usually feel bad about it afterwards. But that can be persistent, and for the woman, must be kind of creepy feeling. Unless you are being creeper and staring like a weirdo all the time then I doubt they notice. If you are being a creeper and staring 24/7, then you have deeper issues with restraint and politeness that need to be sorted out. >I'm at a loss as to how a man changes this somewhat foundational part of the brain. I think most guys can cope fine, I'd wager most guys have some racey thoughts about co-workers, but the difference between that and being creepy/unprofessional is that its in your brain and you keep it there. Restraint is kind of a "foundational" part of modern life.
  • qb45 9y ago
    > Its fine to think whatever you want, imagine murdering your boss, having sex with the coffee machine, whatever you want I sometimes have brain farts where I imagine some bad/evil/wrong/painful thing done by me or to me and for a short moment feel almost like it's real. For example, today I thought about stabbing someone's eye with a teaspoon I was holding at the time. It's unpleasant. If I imagine something like that happening to me for longer periods, I probably wouldn't want it. > Unless you are being creeper and staring like a weirdo all the time then I doubt they notice. If OP says they notice, they notice. People notice almost everything but consciously act on almost nothing. Sometimes they don't like their own reactions and pretend not to see. One can fall into the trap of trying to find signs of non-noticing only to constantly keep seeing minuscule involuntary signs of noticing. Sometimes feeling like you creep others out makes you behave nervously and actually creep them out. Maybe it's better to be open that these things happen but yet they absolutely don't communicate any will for serious real-world consequences. Or dunno, ask some psychologist.
• jdoliner 9y ago
  It sounds like you may be suffering from a form of scrupulosity [0], a disorder in which you feel excessive guilt about moral or religious issues. In your case mostly moral. Fantasizing about having sex with women you work with and making eyes at them isn't really the same as what's going on in this article. Thoughts are just in your head, they don't affect the outside world unless you express them and "making eyes," unless you're intensely and persistently staring at them is unlikely to have the same effect as the actions in this story. You should cut yourself a bit more slack, you obviously care about not making women uncomfortable and from what you've described here I doubt you do make them uncomfortable. If you're interested in reading more about this there's a great Atlantic article about Scott Aaronson going through something similar. [1] [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrupulosity https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrupulosity [1] https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/01/the-blog-comment-that-achieved-an-internet-miracle/384539/ https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/01/the-blo...
  • bdamm 9y ago
    That hits close to home, thanks.
• neom 9y ago
  I would highly recommend you talk to a therapist about this.
• deleted 9y ago
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• passive 9y ago
  I'm not a mind reader, but all men think this way to some degree. For myself, I don't possess a visual imagination, so the thoughts don't stick, but they do re-occur. However, I also have no difficulty ensuring this doesn't interfere with my relationships with my co-workers. I know whatever ideas I have are just transient thoughts, and there will never be a point where acting on them is worth the damage I might do. Of course, as a disclaimer, I telecommute, so I'm rarely in physical contact with the women I work with. I'm also a Buddhist, so I have a lot of practice letting my thoughts go.
• geofft 9y ago
  A bit out of left field, but you might enjoy the book Every Man's Battle, written from a conservative Christian perspective, about exactly this problem. (The Christian man's problem with this inclination is that Jesus said, more or less, that making "eyes" at a woman is as sinful as actually committing adultery with her.) As a not-particularly-conservative Christian, I kind of hated the book. Among other things it's got a sort of warped view of the problems with non-consensual interactions / objectifying women (there's one particular scene where there's a youth group leader and a member who's literally too young to consent, and the book puts more emphasis on the youth group leader being unfaithful to his wife than on him statutorily raping the kid). I also got the distinct feeling that I have this problem far less than any of the people in this book. But a number of friends have told me that they got a lot out of the book, so, maybe it'll resonate with you.
• nnfy 9y ago
  How incredibly odd, it is almost as though we are, perhaps, driven by biological imperative to find members of the other sex attractive. I'll just let myself out with these crazy conspiracy theories. In seriousness, I'm pointing out the absurdity of being so surprised that this kind of thing still exists. We are fighting one of the most fundamental drives of not only the human race, but [non asexual] life itself.
• smmsnsks 9y ago
  I am in the same position as you. I constantly and graphically think about sex with my female colleagues. However it has actually helped my career because I don't interrupt my female colleagues at the whiteboard or in meetings, rather I nod and affirm them while I fantasize about sex with them. As an ironic consequence I have gotten a reputation for being respectful of women's ideas and encouraging of their career development. Shows how low the bar is in Silicon Valley -- simply not interrupting/berating women makes you a well-regarded manager. While this has led to some technically poor decisions because they don't benefit from engaged debate, the women who have worked for me have been basically very competent so the errors have not hurt me as much as my personal reputation has helped me.
  • gizmo 9y ago
    That's awful. Stop it.
    • smmsnsks 9y ago
      I can't really stop, but a valuable question is, should I? The women who have worked with me have succeeded and been promoted to successful managerial roles more than those who have worked for my other male colleagues. Who would be served by an attempt to change my thoughts?
      • obstinate 9y ago
        You think that the women you've worked with have been promoted . . . because you were fantasizing about them instead of engaging with them? Not, for e.g., maybe because they were more capable than average? IMO, you should seek therapy. You sound like you need it more than most.
• JumpCrisscross 9y ago
  Acknowledge that reptilian instinct and then check it. Also, spend more time around women outside work. As friends, e.g. friends' wives, girlfriends or even just interesting women you meet.
  • rokhayakebe 9y ago
    friends' wives, Bad advice or this gentleman, for now.
• bt4u2 9y ago
  Everyone is like this, and everyone knows it. But you're not supposed to talk about it. Besides, thoughts are just thoughts. You can choose to try to not act on them
• ableton 9y ago
  Thanks for being honest. Currently the west is pretty much attempting to eliminate gender. The problem is, humans are biologically not much different than they were 1000 years ago. So while there are these high ideals about a basically gender neutral society, the reality is that it does not, and in fact cannot exist. Currently we are in a weird time in history where people do not understand that there is a very good reason why every single advanced species has 2 genders. If it was not incredibly helpful to have 2 distinct genders, why would it be so prevalent in nature? Having two genders is a wonderful thing, and leads to incredible efficiency through separation of labor. Unfortunately I get downvoted for stating the obvious here on hacker news. However, look at the stats, and you will find that feminism has lead to more money and power for women, but much less happiness for both men and women. You are a great example. You would be happier if you could just focus on code instead of thinking about women. But no, we just have to have gender integration, with women who try to make themselves look sexy every day, then complain if somebody is attacted to them. Neither you nor them are happy about the situation. But "society" is. Hopefully one day people will wake up. But I doubt it will happen soon.
  • linkregister 9y ago
    The West? The ratio of women board members, executives, and engineers is far higher in China than in the U.S. I think you're being down voted because of a combination of false premises and arguing a strawman, "eliminate gender." Nobody is trying to do that.
    • ableton 9y ago
      I wasn't comparing the west to China. I just don't know a whole lot about feminism over there so I didn't include it. Gender is the distinction between men and women. If you eliminate the distinction, which feminism is trying to do as quickly as possible (along with LGBTQFHTKEO), you eliminate the concept of gender alltogether.
      • linkregister 9y ago
        You were talking about disliking equality movements in the West. I was adding that it's happening in China and other Asian nations too. So that leaves you with... the Middle East and Africa?