I am a "geek" male in the industry. My wife worked in the industry and others in non technical roles and is not herself a geek. Her education was in sociology s

I am a "geek" male in the industry. My wife worked in the industry and others in non technical roles and is not herself a geek. Her education was in sociology so I asked her about what makes tech more toxic to women. Her answer surprised me. She said that it wasn't. That the other fields she worked in were the same. The difference was two fold. Male geeks interact differently with women and a slight that might seem rakish at first glace from a lawyer is immediately perceived for what it is coming from a geek. But the more important half by far, that I never thought of in my self accusation, is that female geeks also interact differently from other females. A slight that my wife would shrug off, just making a mental note about the guy, her geek female coworkers were eaten up by. It hurt them deeply. In short I don't think our community is more toxic than others, it is just that it is more evident in ours. Anyone can be offended by anything so two approaches are needed. Train against what is most commonly offensive, but also train on how to be offended less easily by people who are being offensive.