This has maintainability problems written all over it. I can't imagine a web page where you would actually gain something from this, that wouldn't be complex en

This has maintainability problems written all over it. I can't imagine a web page where you would actually gain something from this, that wouldn't be complex enough that you wouldn't need some language to deal with more complex selects/inserts. And that would mean that you would spread your logic (models?) across two totally different "platforms". One part in nginx conf file (brrr) and the other in your code. Add something like Sphinx into the mix, and you have your SQL all over the place.