7 ms·

Being Present: You have ten to twelve years to connect with your kids

245 points by stakent 16y ago

deleted 16y ago
[deleted]
callmeed 16y ago
I was barely 19 when my oldest daughter was born. While her mom and I were never married, I made a decision early on that I was always going to be part of her life and try and provide for her. That meant I had to stop playing baseball. It meant I had to work full-time and only go to college part-time. When her mom moved to the mid-west, I had to spend every extra dollar flying to visit her or flying her back to CA to visit me. She's almost 16 now and I couldn't be more proud of her. She's smart and we have a great relationship. My company has done well enough that I can fly to her or she can fly to me any time. My wife and her have a great relationship (they are almost like sisters) and my younger daughters adore her. Even though we never lived together all the time, I feel we have a better relationship than many fathers/daughters do. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if I hadn't made the effort. Good post.
- mattew 16y ago
  Congratulations. Although the items here on HN tend to end up on the work side, of the work/life balance equation, its nice to see an article like this and a comment like yours to help remind me and everyone here that there is a great deal of importance and focus required on the life side of things.
- jdg 16y ago
  Thanks for sharing this. I had just turned 19 (2 months) before my son was born. Never married, but made the choice to stick around and make sure I was there every other weekend (and more, if allowed). I didn't have the "normal" college life, because I was gone every other weekend. I've stayed in the midwest because of my son, rather than moving out to CA or NYC. For the first 6 years of his life, I never missed a weekend visit. For 3 of the 8 years he's been around, I drove 6 hours roundtrip every other weekend. The rest of the time it's just been a 4 hour roundtrip. And, I've yet to regret it. I've been shown more opportunity than I could have ever dreamed of. No idea if that's karma, but it wouldn't matter anyway because the time with him is time well spent.
TotlolRon 16y ago
Make kids. It's the best startup you'll ever have.
- Janteh 16y ago
  But get a great co-founder first!
  - jurjenh 16y ago
    And generally not more than one. Chances for being acquired aren't that good either. And you probably shouldn't focus too much on an early exit strategy...
    - Sukotto 16y ago
      One wife: you are happy Two wives: you are tired Three wives: they hate each other Four wives: they hate you! (This is a half-remembered quote but I don't recall where I heard it and my googlefu has failed me)
      - tseabrooks 16y ago
        I recently read a similar (exact same?) quote in the book "The Name of The Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss. Almost certainly not the genesis of this quote but it's the only instance I know of.
- nandemo 16y ago
  Hours are long, you're on-call 24/7. Your co-founder might want out and take almost all the equity. Even so you still must keep helping with funding. Even if everything goes well with your co-founder, you put a lot of money into it but your shares gradually and inevitably unvest, till 18 years later you've got 0% equity. Even so you might be expected to shell out a couple of rounds of funding ("we're getting traction and in 4 years we'll be getting revenue"). Then, although you aren't liable for your "startup"'s actions anymore, your reputation is forever linked to it. What's the upside?
yewweitan 16y ago
Very nice post by Fred once again. I knew all too many people who grew up with their fathers being away on some job in the name of "providing for the family". It's heartening to see that the internet has enabled far more people to both work and yet be present with family.
Oxryly 16y ago
Good post. Today I was fortunate to have my Dad meditating right beside me for awhile. For the first time in 37+ years (i.e. exactly how old I am) I felt his presence and realized that it had always been there. Every second of every day of my life, my Dad has been present. He definitely fits the type A anxiety driven archetype, and he always struggled with working and really being with his family. His presence almost always manifested itself as a highly interested attention, which I let grate on me many atime -- especially during my teenage years. In fact I don't know if I've ever really acknowledged it as a presence rather than something else, usually unwelcome. But now I realize that in many ways its what made me who I am today. Be present indeed.
zeynel1 16y ago
--you have about ten to twelve years to connect with your kids and then they turn into teenagers tune you out then turn into adults and build their own lives-- then why connect with your kids at all -whether or not you connect with them they will --turn into teenagers-- what a scary way of saying it - like a beautiful butterfly turning into a monster - tune you out and then turn into adults --and you turning into a pathetic old man -in their eyes- i think it is better to listen to Paul Graham http://www.paulgraham.com/lies.html http://www.paulgraham.com/lies.html and tell them to skip school and immediately start their own company at the earliest age possible before they are indoctrinated by education to become professional consumers - make mistakes early and often - and forget about this soupy-kitschy-romantic stuff about -connecting- with kritters that -turn into teenagers- who squeeze you for cash to pierce metal studs in their belly buttons-
- ryanwaggoner 16y ago
  Did I miss the essay where PG advises all kids to skip school and do a startup instead? If so, I'd be pretty disappointed because that's terrible advice for the vast majority of teenagers.
  - zeynel1 16y ago
    this is the essay i had in mind http://www.paulgraham.com/mit.html http://www.paulgraham.com/mit.html
    - ryanwaggoner 16y ago
      Did you read it? I get pretty much the exact opposite of "school is stupid, everyone should drop out and start companies!" When we first started Y Combinator we encouraged people to start startups while they were still in college. That's partly because Y Combinator began as a kind of summer program. We've kept the program shape—all of us having dinner together once a week turns out to be a good idea—but we've decided now that the party line should be to tell people to wait till they graduate.
  - neurotech1 16y ago
Mike_McDerment 16y ago
I'd just like to say, posts like this one are why I love reading Fred's blog...somehow he uses his blog to be my mentor...in life and in business...didn't think a blogger would ever do that for me and it's not something I feel about anyone else I read.
kmfrk 16y ago
If there is any advice to live by as a parent, it is that 90 per cent of being a parent is showing up. At that point, you've probably overcome the biggest hurdle. Take it from someone whose parents didn't.
seanc 16y ago
Companies come and go but your family is with you for life.
sanj 16y ago
I find all of the "have kids" chatter strange, given that I've always felt that YC was one of the least "family friendly" programs I've ever seen. How many YC'ers were parents while in the program?

245 points by stakent 16y ago

deleted 16y ago

[deleted]

I was barely 19 when my oldest daughter was born. While her mom and I were never married, I made a decision early on that I was always going to be part of her life and try and provide for her. That meant I had to stop playing baseball. It meant I had to work full-time and only go to college part-time. When her mom moved to the mid-west, I had to spend every extra dollar flying to visit her or flying her back to CA to visit me. She's almost 16 now and I couldn't be more proud of her. She's smart and we have a great relationship. My company has done well enough that I can fly to her or she can fly to me any time. My wife and her have a great relationship (they are almost like sisters) and my younger daughters adore her. Even though we never lived together all the time, I feel we have a better relationship than many fathers/daughters do. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if I hadn't made the effort. Good post.

mattew 16y ago
Congratulations. Although the items here on HN tend to end up on the work side, of the work/life balance equation, its nice to see an article like this and a comment like yours to help remind me and everyone here that there is a great deal of importance and focus required on the life side of things.
jdg 16y ago
Thanks for sharing this. I had just turned 19 (2 months) before my son was born. Never married, but made the choice to stick around and make sure I was there every other weekend (and more, if allowed). I didn't have the "normal" college life, because I was gone every other weekend. I've stayed in the midwest because of my son, rather than moving out to CA or NYC. For the first 6 years of his life, I never missed a weekend visit. For 3 of the 8 years he's been around, I drove 6 hours roundtrip every other weekend. The rest of the time it's just been a 4 hour roundtrip. And, I've yet to regret it. I've been shown more opportunity than I could have ever dreamed of. No idea if that's karma, but it wouldn't matter anyway because the time with him is time well spent.

TotlolRon 16y ago

Make kids. It's the best startup you'll ever have.

Janteh 16y ago
But get a great co-founder first!
- jurjenh 16y ago
  And generally not more than one. Chances for being acquired aren't that good either. And you probably shouldn't focus too much on an early exit strategy...
  - Sukotto 16y ago
    One wife: you are happy Two wives: you are tired Three wives: they hate each other Four wives: they hate you! (This is a half-remembered quote but I don't recall where I heard it and my googlefu has failed me)
    - tseabrooks 16y ago
      I recently read a similar (exact same?) quote in the book "The Name of The Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss. Almost certainly not the genesis of this quote but it's the only instance I know of.
nandemo 16y ago
Hours are long, you're on-call 24/7. Your co-founder might want out and take almost all the equity. Even so you still must keep helping with funding. Even if everything goes well with your co-founder, you put a lot of money into it but your shares gradually and inevitably unvest, till 18 years later you've got 0% equity. Even so you might be expected to shell out a couple of rounds of funding ("we're getting traction and in 4 years we'll be getting revenue"). Then, although you aren't liable for your "startup"'s actions anymore, your reputation is forever linked to it. What's the upside?

yewweitan 16y ago

Very nice post by Fred once again. I knew all too many people who grew up with their fathers being away on some job in the name of "providing for the family". It's heartening to see that the internet has enabled far more people to both work and yet be present with family.

Oxryly 16y ago

Good post. Today I was fortunate to have my Dad meditating right beside me for awhile. For the first time in 37+ years (i.e. exactly how old I am) I felt his presence and realized that it had always been there. Every second of every day of my life, my Dad has been present. He definitely fits the type A anxiety driven archetype, and he always struggled with working and really being with his family. His presence almost always manifested itself as a highly interested attention, which I let grate on me many atime -- especially during my teenage years. In fact I don't know if I've ever really acknowledged it as a presence rather than something else, usually unwelcome. But now I realize that in many ways its what made me who I am today. Be present indeed.

zeynel1 16y ago

--you have about ten to twelve years to connect with your kids and then they turn into teenagers tune you out then turn into adults and build their own lives-- then why connect with your kids at all -whether or not you connect with them they will --turn into teenagers-- what a scary way of saying it - like a beautiful butterfly turning into a monster - tune you out and then turn into adults --and you turning into a pathetic old man -in their eyes- i think it is better to listen to Paul Graham http://www.paulgraham.com/lies.html http://www.paulgraham.com/lies.html and tell them to skip school and immediately start their own company at the earliest age possible before they are indoctrinated by education to become professional consumers - make mistakes early and often - and forget about this soupy-kitschy-romantic stuff about -connecting- with kritters that -turn into teenagers- who squeeze you for cash to pierce metal studs in their belly buttons-

ryanwaggoner 16y ago
Did I miss the essay where PG advises all kids to skip school and do a startup instead? If so, I'd be pretty disappointed because that's terrible advice for the vast majority of teenagers.
- zeynel1 16y ago
  this is the essay i had in mind http://www.paulgraham.com/mit.html http://www.paulgraham.com/mit.html
  - ryanwaggoner 16y ago
    Did you read it? I get pretty much the exact opposite of "school is stupid, everyone should drop out and start companies!" When we first started Y Combinator we encouraged people to start startups while they were still in college. That's partly because Y Combinator began as a kind of summer program. We've kept the program shape—all of us having dinner together once a week turns out to be a good idea—but we've decided now that the party line should be to tell people to wait till they graduate.
- neurotech1 16y ago

Mike_McDerment 16y ago

I'd just like to say, posts like this one are why I love reading Fred's blog...somehow he uses his blog to be my mentor...in life and in business...didn't think a blogger would ever do that for me and it's not something I feel about anyone else I read.

kmfrk 16y ago

If there is any advice to live by as a parent, it is that 90 per cent of being a parent is showing up. At that point, you've probably overcome the biggest hurdle. Take it from someone whose parents didn't.

seanc 16y ago

Companies come and go but your family is with you for life.

sanj 16y ago

I find all of the "have kids" chatter strange, given that I've always felt that YC was one of the least "family friendly" programs I've ever seen. How many YC'ers were parents while in the program?